Update on Sat.

Yesterday was rough....

I went in about lunch hoping to get mom to eat. But that was not to be. She had about 1/5 piece of toast with strawberry jam and drank a few sips of broth for me. The rest was left alone.

I could tell she was really down and tried to joke a bit but that upset her and she blurted out….”Just let me die.” What does one say to that? I have tried all I now to try to give her a push into wanting to get well. So I knew it was time to talk with her about this. She says she just wants to be with daddy. She hates being in bed. She has no strong desire to even try to walk because it is not going very good for her and she knows the future will be with a walker or cane. That she will not accept she told me. She wanted to know how long it would take her to die if she does not eat…She reminded me no feeding tubes and
IV feedings. She cried and I cried. Do you all know God collects all our tears in a bottle?

I looked at the photograph album I made for her along with the cards and that did not spark a bit of interest. I sat about 2 hours with her and she wanted more meds and when they came I left. The nurse that has been the best with mom had tears in her eyes as I came out of the room. She just lost her husband after a stay at the rehab for 3 years fighting cancer. She hugged me and told me they have seen the look in moms’ eyes that says,” I am done”. It is there.

John too me a long drive….we ended up in Staunton.
http://www.visitstaunton.com/history.htm

We think we would lie to go back and explore this town…my love for history just makes me want to soak up all I can. We stopped in Verona to eat at a Mexican Restaurant. It sure was a clean and wonderful place to have a cozy meal. By 7 we were back at the home to see mom. She was sleeping soundly and I could not rouse her so I simply sat and prayed. As I kissed her and turned off the light she did awaken a bit and I told her I had written a note to her and she could see it in the morning.

I think it is fair to say I am mad at her but at the same time I understand. Part of this is selfish on my part. I do not want to lose my last parent now. Dad is only gone 6 months.
I feel so alone here. It is a hard thing to know you are the only child and you will bear this grief alone. John sure is here for me and he has been a real support to me. I long for friends and family to be here but I do not expect that at all. I dream of a cup of coffee or meal with a friend… anything to break the pain. Maybe that is not realistic.

I had a fair night of sleep but was aware all night this may not end up as I had hoped.
I wrestled with my emotions all night and know I can only do one day at a time. I know the Lord is with me through this. I understand that there are some issues I am dealing with.

***A huge life change this year. Dad died, John was given his pink slip, a move and now this. I feel like a person with “no place to call home.” This I do know…that where John is and I am than that is home. Stuff, belongings and a building do not make a home. I believe love does and so I can say that this extended care hotel is home.
Some have suggested because of all this maybe we are not in God’s will. Believe me we have prayed about this. Had John gotten a job and just started we may be faced with a harder situation. I take each step at a time. I try to learn from each step and pray I can bless someone now. I ask God what we need to do now. Often these days all I know is “Wait and rest in me” comes back to me when I speak to my Heavenly Father.

Yes, we have been without a job before…we have been without a home before but we have always waited and tried to hear from God. Could we have missed the mark? I am sure we could have but than when I take a piece of paper and make a test tube shape and fill in the timeline of the last 5 years I see God. Try it with your life. I do see weak areas and times I know my faith seemed iffy but fr the most I see lots of adventure.

I know that God knew it was time to take dad home to him. I know that did put me in a tailspin. But I also know God understand that. I was not always there for John and things happened. That is life!

John is at a crossroad. He longs to do more that maintenance. He is struggling knowing he can do much more. But what and how you change careers at 45 escapes him. The best I can do for him is to love him, support him and pray for the break he so longs for. I pray for a mentor to come to him that can help him now….

I have rambled far too long here.

PRAYER:
***Mom is at peace.
***Monday at 1:30 helps John and I see the whole picture.
***I accept what is to be.
***John finds someone to help him.
***We work as a team in all we do.

THANKS to Uncle Ben and Dia for giving me love and support when I needed that!