Sunday Night

I have found it hard to write updates. I tend to be optimistic generally. But this week has really
Stretched me. I find myself going low and trying to rise above that. I find myself wanting to
Chat with dad and ask him what I need to do and than I remember he is no longer here. That
Hit home this afternoon. Mom had just been put back into bed and had drifted off and cried out
Donna when are they going to let Arthur come in?” I hesitated hoping she would keep her eyes closed.
But she looked at me and repeated it again. Tears came to my eyes as I told her dad was not coming
But he sure loved her and was with her in her heart and memories. She cried and shut her eyes again.
When she looked up a good while later I said, “Mom, you are not eating, you are not really working
With the nurses... are you giving up?” Her reply was, “Yes, I believe I am.” So I tried the reverse psychology
Crystal suggested and told her she would miss seeing Adam graduate, Will mature and Zoe grow much less
The one she so treasures, Skyler graduate from college. She said they have to live good lives and I will
see them in Heaven. That I all I can do. I saw it was foolish to try anything else but “Mom, I need you,
I am not ready to lose the only parent I have left.” She smiled and said she loved me but was not going to
live dependent on anybody else.

After several hours of reality and drifting off she had quite a bit of pain and I would see her leg draw up and jerk
And she would cry out in pain. I also saw the ankle was so swollen again and called the nurse. She checked
Out the ankle and there was a good pulse but when I told her I had mother in the hospital ER twice in Atlanta with
This she said they will have to look further and promised the doctor will check in on her tomorrow AM. I also
Told her the double heart mummer was a concern before the surgery and they had called in the heart doctor she
Asked me to walk to the nurses station to see if the results were there. They were not and she noted the doctor needed to
Call and get his results. She brought her pain pills and muscle relaxant and I asked her could I turn off the lights and
Allow her to sleep. She said she needed that and I prayed with her and left.

I was so upset I knew I needed counsel and remembered that Willie (William) was there and as my pastor at Camp Hebron
Was always a real help to me. I also went to Reading, Pa. to a Mennonite Servant hood summer as a teen to work with the
mission where he was a pastor. Than when mom and dad moved here 10 years ago I got to spend time with him and his wife
and where he led the Men’s Chorus from the retirement home here. Dad had a wonderful voice and loved this group.
Willie loved dad too. So he welcomed me to their apartment having no idea mom was here and had broken her hip. He
Listened and with his wife they had compassion and some good advice. We prayed together and I left in a better frame of mind.

I chatted with Nicole on the way back to John and than fell apart in his arms. This husband of mine is a man with a heart
Of love and compassion. Having lost his parents he knows what I am feeling. I tended his mom with dementia, The Big “A”.
We called it that when talking to her doctors in front of her because of her fear of this awful disease. I had to be his place of comfort
During that time and he is very conscious of my ups and downs. He sat me down with a glass of wine and cooked supper.
I have relaxed enough after watching “Extreme Home Makeover” and a good Discovery Channel special on the ocean.

I picked up a new book for $.50 at the Mennonite thrift store called “Do not Lose Heart” by Dave and Jan Dravecky. I never
Have heard of this book or the author but have found comfort in the pages. Hebrews 12:3 was the text I read today.
“Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

I want to quote a few things….pages 24:-25
“Martin Luther, the great Reformer, would say this even more forecefully,’Our suffering is not worthy the name of suffering’
he wrote, ‘When I consider my crosses, tribulations, and temptations, I shame myself almost to death, thinking what are they
in comparison of the of the sufferings of my blessed Saviour Christ Jesus’.
Several sentences don the author says, “When suffering invades their lives, many complain, ‘God doesn’t understand!’ But He does.
He understands it far better than we do. Our Savior suffered vastly more than we will ever begin to grasp- and he did it for our
Sake.”….
“Last, I am helped to endure my trials when I consider how Jesus endured his own. “…who for the joy set before him endured the cross.”
(Hebrews 12:2). Jesus looked ahead to what his sufferings would accomplish, and great joy gripped his soul. He endured for the joy of
completing the Father’s will for him.”

We suffer in many ways. It may be as mom with a death of a spouse after 65 years of marriage. It may be from the pain of broken
Bones. It may be for some of us the broken dreams of our life. It could be the death of a child or an illness like cancer. For me at this time
It is seeing my mom suffer and trying to do anything I can to help. It is listening to so many who have so many ideas how I need to handle
It but are not here to see what I am doing. It is trying to trust doctors and health care providers and trying to keep the very limited resources
She has safe. It is reading documents and trusting what they say they mean knowing changes come so often in the medical insurance
World. But when I read those verses in Hebrews I see my Jesus suffered much more. The fact he gathers me into his loving arms and says
“I understand because I too suffered and paid the price so you may have life”. But with that you and I all see he gives us the strength and peace to face
tomorrow and we can sing that great song with confidence…..”Because He lives I can face tomorrow…” (Bill Gaither)

I can and I will face tomorrow with the knowledge He knows and He loves me and his strength gives me strength.

Pray:
***Mom will have a will to live.
***If she does not I have the confidence I did all I could for her.
*** The doctors will see what is causing the swelling in the ankle.
***That she will eat.
***That we can meet tomorrow with the ones Willie suggested we do meet with.
***That John can find a job. But here Willie pointed out something that made me giggle. Had John had a job
right now he may well have lost it anyway. He told me to be thankful I do not have to face this without John atmy side. I am thankful!