Sick and Our Anniversary

I have been so sick with the H1N1 or swine flu and I had pneumonia with it. I am slowly gaining back some strength.

Yesterday laughter and song came from our home....what a treat! It was our 21st anniversary!

Mary Ellen the mom of the 2 boys I home school arranged for her whole family to come and bring finger foods to celebrate our special day. She knows how I miss family! So they came at 10AM. I have added pictures of the families that were here.....This is her, her husband and my 2 boys!

Grandma and grandpa Shirk are just simply precious! They have welcomed us into the family with open arms and I can tell you I miss my grandma and the aunties more when I am around them!

Fred and Lois and their 4 children.....Fred was a cook when mom and dad were at the Mennonite home here and they loved him! He is a pastor also. He had a wonderful devotions for us.....than his one daughters read a beautiful poem. Mom remembers him and they have a special relationship that brings her peace.

Eunice and Steve and their 7 kids....they are the ones that have a market down from us and allowed me to sell my felt items there and cards. Eunice and I have a special sister relationship and I treasure her family! The younger ones sang a carol and Natalie the oldest plays the harp and the one next to her sang in a most beautiful clear voice. Natalie played the harp as we sang many carols.

Mom and Steve's youngest daughter....She loves mom and mom responds to her too. Mom wants to have a tea party with her next week.

The boys surprised me with saying Luke 2 together and they did it without a mistake! We had homemade cookies, fruit trays, tortilla wraps and she made the best tortillas from scratch! Garden Pizza and I made meatballs and a cheese tray. What good food! I was wiped by the time they left....but happy. I just cannot get my strength back and still cough a lot...my voice is coming back a bit at a time. Ryan told me yesterday I did not sound older than grandma. He says it like he sees it! Last night was rough but this morning I feel a bit better. This swine flu is awful! Yesterday was the best anniversary we had and we are grateful for precious new family!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgivings in the past are so much fun to remember! I had 2 families that celebrated the holiday with family meals and fun with cousins!

Let's take a trip to the Aunties first.....Donegal Springs Road, Mount Joy, Pa..... a beautiful brick house with a wide front porch.....but the best part of getting there was to see who else was there.Of course as you entered the front room you got hugs and kisses from Aunt Fannie, Aunt Elizabeth and Aunt Emily.....I remember the smells as you got inside.....Maybe Uncle Ben's were there and of course that meant Don, Joyce and Ken.....or Uncle Luke's....Jay Leon and Don would be there....Herb's, Edward's, Wilbur's, Uncle Amos and Aunt Mabel, and maybe Elizabeth and cousins from Virginia....what fun we had! I remember oysters, turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry relish, vegetables, relish trays and more.....that the wonderful pies, cake, cookies and that great ice cream.....as kids we would take a bowl and mix it good and eat it with pretzel sticks.....now that was fun! The adults would talk and we kids would play. Than we would eat again.

Now we go to Grandma Shearer's. I only really remember the meals after grandpa died. She would stretch that table so we would all fit there....Her turkey was perfection! So golden brown. Her dressing the best with saffron threads and the grave was the greatest! Uncle Bobby's lived down the lane so you knew they would be there....Jean and RD were precious to me and what fun we had in that basement....toys, shuffle board and games....Now if it were really special the cousins were there from Florida.....Uncle Harold's....Mary Lynn, Gave and Beth~ Grandma made the best opera fudge and what a treat! Do you know my grandma's favorye part of the turkey was the neck....to each his own!

Than I had my family and I remember each Thanksgiving.....some were with us alone but many with the Kemp/Blocker Family and talk about fun! They were are extended family since we lived away from our Pa. family. They took us in and filled the void we had for missing our family and cousins...we did go home to Pa. the my grandma's and to the Engle Family. Each gave my kids a feeling of family, love and tradition. Than came John and his family....how Nana loved to serve holiday meals in style. We miss her too and John's 2 sisters.

Thanksgiving to me is the best holiday.....I love fall and love family and the traditions. We each need to stop and hold those we love very close to us. We need to build our family traditions and above all we need to stop and give thanks to our Heavenly Father for all his love and all His grace. We need to be thankful for Salvation and a roof over our heads.....for the food we have and the comforts we take for granted.

Life can throw us curves but we must take this time to count our blessings~

John and I find ourselves alone today and yes, mom is here but bitter and she chooses to stay in her room. I have cooked a turkey that was a gift and as we speak the dressing (with saffron), vegetables are roasting, sweet potatoes browning, and cranberry sauce ready. We received a pecan pie and that is our special treat!

John is struggling today with his chiari and sprinx......he has a awful headache and has had to lay down a lot.....but I am thankful I have him! We have each other and that is a great gift! We face each day hoping for a treatment that will help and researching all we can. When you are without a job and insurance few want to see you. I know the answer will come.

I have the blessing of homeschooling 2 boys to bring on some income and what a blessing! Yes, it stretches me but it is income.....They have adopted is and I love that!

That brings me to last Sat. night.....the boys family invited us to their family Thanksgiving and I made mom go.....What a loving group of Mennonite people....just like the Aunties and grandma's and we were guests of honor with all the love we needed! This was the first social time we had since we came to Virginia. Do you know what that meant to us? One of the Son in Laws was the cook at VMRC when Mom and dad lived there. Fred was good for her. The only sad thing was she forgot what dad had when he had polio and dimly seemed to remember the hospital stay. She did not think he was in the hospital 5 weeks. She does not want to go out again but she may just have too. I saw how much I missed fellowship.

Mom came out and ate with us because I refused to take her a tray. She went back quickly and had little to say. She would not allow me to remind her of the things I mentioned here....she said that is all dead to her now....if only she could enjoy the life she has. She told us she seldom has enjoyed gatherings....I long for them! How I miss daddy!

Here are a few prayer requests....
1. Wisdom to know how to handle mom with John getting worse.
2. That disability will come through.
3. That I am able to stretch the Food Stamps as that is our only food money to use.
4. That we may find help for John....someone has to be able to help.
5. We can some how make the rent this month.
6. That I can deal with the pain I feel from being away from my kids. I need that support.

I awoke with this some on my mind today....maybe you can sing it with me....I remember Aunt Emily singing this.

HE GIVETH MORE GRACE
Annie J. Flint
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.


Yes, He gives and He gives and gives again! That makes life worth living!
Happy Thanksgiving!

WE ARE NOT AS STRONG AS WE THINK WE ARE and Dad

Rich Mullins wrote a song called ,

"We Are Not As Strong As We Think We Are"

Well, it took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

~~
And they say that one day Joshua
Made the sun stand still in the sky
But I can't even keep these thoughts Of you
from passing by
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are
~~

We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are

And the Master said their faith was
Gonna make them mountains move
But me, I tremble like a hill on a fault line
Just at the thought of how I lost you
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

CHORUS

And if you make me laugh well I know
I could make you like me
Cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun
But we can't do that I know that it is frightening
What I don't know is why we can't hold on
We can't hold on

CHORUS
When you love you walk on the water
Just don't stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin' awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are.
***********************************
Life is like that for me right now......I look strong.....I laugh.....I trust but inside I am not as strong as you think I am.

I see needs meet for each day.....I see John's sleep improve......I watch nature but I do not feel as strong as you think I am.

This week was the anniversary of dad's death and it hit me hard. You know I did rely on his cheerfulness, his strength and his wisdom. I did not always like it but he was walking with the Lord and it lined up with his beliefs.

Pastor Joel Hunter from Northland in Orlando preached today ( we watch it every Sunday morning and wish we were there) and his subject was hypocrites.....
He said we all fit in three areas:
We believe
We are non believers
Or we are make believers.

He fears that number 1 and 3 are not too far apart.....
But with dad that was not true. He believed and he lived it to the fullest!

With a hypocrite it is all about themselves and with a believer it is all about God. Dadused to say this....Aunt Emily taught him this....and me too.

J....Jesus First
O...others next
Y....yourself last.

How true and he lived that. He was one JOY filled man!

He said in closing that the results of being a hypocrite is we do not have intimacy that we desire with God.
We can never love fully or be loved fully.
This spills into our personal lives too. Here is a fact he gave.....Kids learn from what we say but become what they see. I have failed here many times....that I know. You see I know the "Book". I read it over and over but where I fail is I do not always live it.....I may try but I fail. That does not make me a hypocrite but a work in progress......Dad had to learn lessons too but what I saw taught me a lot. He talked too but most of my learning was by his actions....let me share a few.

~He served wherever and when ever the church asked him too.
~He was always content and dealt with mom never being content.....but he never yelled at her but prayed and accepted she would not change.....how do I know that? He wrote to me about it. It was a huge hurt for him but his example was greater than his pain!
~he loved the Mennonite Church and was a loyal Anabaptist. That never wavered!
~He loved his family and so wanted me to have brothers and sisters but not mom and that was another hurt to him. So he helped many a teen when we were in Harrisburg, Pa at the mission, he taught Bible School at Steelton and Harrisburg missions and mentored many. He was an example to so many and after his death I heard from one of those young men from Harrisburg....he says he was a pastor because dad gave him his first Bible and stayed by his side.

I think dad may say to me today if he was here that he was not as strong as I thought he was.
Oh how I miss him! I need his wisdom, compassion and guidance for I feel so weak.

They closed today with this song......it is my desire....

Reign In Us
Starfield

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus:]
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus]
We cry out
For your love to refine us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us blameless until you return
********************************************

We took mom out last night but she was negative about everything. She lives in bitterness.
I told her the day after dad died a year ago and she said she knew it was soon but forgot the day. I tend to think she knew.

Today she slept until 12:30 and asked me to leave her alone. So I will. She said she wants to talk to nobody today. So I will care for her and be quiet. It is wearing on me bad. When she does talk she puts on this cheer but as soon as she is off she will tell me how her life never was what she wanted and how others live perfect....I think not.

John has 2 more weeks before he can have a full report on his health....no meds yet and he needs them to interview. So we wait. That is so hard. His sleep is better and he does feel some energy at times.

Monday we find out of the job he interviewed at 3 times is his. Pray with us this works out if it is in God's plan. We find it hard to ask for help....both of us feel like failures when we must. That weakens me so.

We will hear from a team to guide us this week....pray we are teachable. Being exhausted makes me weak in this area too.

Love each of you~!

I NEVER KNEW

I took this picture this morning outside the front door.

It has been a long time since I updated this bog. It has been the darkest time for me. But I am learning a lot.

I never knew my patience could be so tested.....but I never once lost my temper.

I never knew that cooking what mom asks for could be so trying....but I have made that extra meal 3 times a day with a smile on my face.

I never knew what bitterness can do.....but I have made sure I never allow it in my life.

I never knew how much one can miss their kids .....but I remember their hugs and laughter and treasure them.

I never knew what lonely really felt like....but I have used my time to learn and draw closer to God.

I never knew I would care for 2 people at once.....but I have learned about each illness and am adjusting.

I never knew how hard it is to see your husband cannot work right now....but I have learned to power of love not judgement.

I never knew what sleep apnea can do and has done.... but I have understanding now.

I never knew what desperation can do to a body.....but I have learned the power of 5 minute "mind vacations" can do for you.

I never knew how hard it would be to ask family for help.....but I have felt the joy and gratitude for the help that came.

I never knew how hard it would be to go and chat with a stranger about our needs....but the relief when he treated me like a human and not a charity case.

I never knew the gratitude I would feel for a hospital program.....but they came through with the CPAC for John without cost.

I never knew the weariness of sleeping light in order to see if John was still breathing.....but each time he was still with me and I was full of joy!

I never thought a stranger would offer career counseling for John.....but they have.

I never knew how precious one new friend can be.....but I met this Mennonite family and love them!

I never knew how precious bartering for food can be.....but we have fresh potatoes, cherry tomatoes, green beans and a pie for mom because of this.

I never knew the daily joy of seeing deer,fox, skunks, squirrels and other creatures bring.....but they visit us daily.

I never knew praying could exhaust someone so much.....but the power of prayer works!

I never knew the power of what a cousin could say to me on Face Book....but it relaxed me and gave me the faith I needed for that night~ Thank you Joy!~

I never knew the depth of the grace of the Lord until now....but I now have felt that "Deep love of Jesus.....vast, unmeasured, boundless, free...."
http://www.hymntime.com/tch/htm/o/t/othedeep.htm

I never knew the pain of being told no.....but it has taught me I can always give something to someone in need.

I never knew how much I need to relax......but I am learning to live I must....

I never knew what exhausted really is.....but I now see others that are suffering too.

I never knew how much we were loved.....But I know now!!!!!

How about singing with me Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.......

IT HAS BEEN AWHILE

I have wanted to write for a week but time flies.
Mom has not been good. But more than that she has
really had a hard time accepting she had a UTI (urinary tract
infection) again. She will not drink much.
So she decided to pretend she was fine and was hard to help.
All the while her urine was getting darker and I would gag
when I had to deal with it. Wednesday the home nurse called
the doctor and asked for a nurse to come and take a sample.
He agreed and she had to use a Cather and said she does
not remember getting so little.....Friday they called
to say that the first test showed she had more bacteria
in the sample than before and more tests were being run.
So we are on Cipro again.

Mom has stayed in bed for the last 2 days and ate very little.
On Sat. she was very ugly because I was right and I was
about to give up.......My nerves were shot to say the least.
Yesterday I simply did what I needed to and just left her rest.

She told the nurse she wants to be left alone. She claims to be
content to be in her room. She likes her meals carried to her.
She says she wants little if any company and feels best alone.
The nurse told me at the table she is not going to get any better.
The doctor agrees. My conflict is that just seems like a waste
of her life....she may try to crochet and the word here "try"
is important. She works and works but so many mistakes make her
tear it all out. She gave up on the jigsaw puzzle. She reads
but cannot tell us what she read. She watches very little TV.
It is so hard to see her just give up....she wants to die and go to
daddy......

I am lonely. I have not had the time to meet anyone and so I stay
home. I long to get out but she does not even want to go on a ride.
I have been making felt food for 2 orders and hope to be able to sell
more of that.

John still does not have a job.....he has good interviews but I am
wondering if local people do not try to hire local people. Our neighbor
says that is the case....so I am feeling some desperation in this area.
Mom can hardly move and so we feel stuck.

Pray mom's UTI gets better and it has not made the kidneys worse.
(she has chronic kidney disease)

I have the patience to deal with all of this.

Somehow I can make one friend.....someone to talk to and maybe get
a chance to do something with. John and I cannot get out together.
How I miss the "date nights".

John gets a job. He does have the sleep study done the 25Th of this
month. He qualified for total coverage. We are so thankful for that.

I hesitate to write this but

I need to be honest. Caregiving has its ups and downs. This is only meant to help someone that may be where I am.

I just talked to mom and she plans in staying in bed all day and wants only chocolate cake for lunch. At this point I am not arguing with her.I pulled up the blinds so she would see how nice it is today.....

I do believe I am over my head!
Like I told you all before....when you do not hear from me I am down.

Mom has become a depressed and very demanding lady. She is not happy and is determined we cannot be either. When she hears us laughing she gets ugly and says there is no need for laughter. When I make her a chocolate cake like she demands that I do not give her enough and she suppose that is because we want to eat it....wrong. John and I have almost cut out desserts. If I am on the phone she says nobody calls her and wishes I would not talk so long. I offer her the phone and she says she will not call anyone because they should be calling her.

If I tell her we are having grilled pork she hates pork and wants me do cook her chipped beef and gravy and biscuits with a vegetable and pudding..... .so I do 2 meals. That is what has ended up....2 meals have to be cooked for each meal. She just decided she does not like chicken and that is what we use a lot. She hates fish because dad liked fish. She detests shrimp and used to love them. Now they all have to be taken to her room on a tray because she wants it that way. So I try to make each tray pretty but it is never right,

Yesterday had me in one bad mood and that seldom happens..... We have a neighbor who is a single mom. She is a professor of journalism at James Madison University. She was a foreign correspondent all over the world before her son was born. I really enjoy her and so far she is my only friend here. So we help with her 10 year son son Conner. It is like having a grandchild. He sometimes gets off the bus here until she gets home like over exam time when her schedule was really crazy. Or like the last few weeks when she goes to interview vets for a huge article she is doing for a Washington magazine. Last week he spent the night. He is a very polite and good boy. He comes in and does his homework and that uses our old laptop.....he is easy to feed and just a delight..... mom hates I have a friend. Nancy comes for coffee some mornings and I love her stories of Bosnia and South America....Germany when she did a lot of research on the Nazi's and the Middle East. I
am just fascinated. We kept Conner last evening and when she got back about 7 she came to visit. We chatted for about an hour and half....laughed a lot because she was sharing food stories. When she left I went to check on mom and she told me she needed to pack her bags and let "that woman and that bot" move in. She does not want them here anymore. She was pure hateful and John came back to rescue me because he put the baby monitor on and heard her. He pointed out her friend stayed 3 hours this week when she came. That she said was different... ...so the rest of the night when I took her her pills, snack, helped her get dressed for bed she would remark she was surprised "she" was not here and that I had time for her. I was ticked but behaved. All I get done is waiting on her. She says its OK to just wet in her "pampers" and so I have to go and get the,,,,she wets on the bed and I change the sheets....we cannot leave her alone because she falls
backwards... ..so I am stuck.

Part of my frustration is our past......she has never liked one friend on mine ever.....she reminds me that she never wanted to adopt me all week and calls Ryan "that boy" too and always in a negative way....she has fits John has not gotten a job and if she knew how bad things are she would have a fit. I have to look for help......Now I know Lewies Bodies does make a person mean and I guess that is what is happening. Just pray I can deal with this....but I am almost over the edge.....

If you read this far than God bless......just pray for us.
Beside that I am so homesick for my kids and grand kids.....

What a Day!

Really it started yesterday.....we were up about 3 hours....in fact I had just talked to Uncle Harolds and was coming down the stairs when she yelled....she was in a mess with Diarrhea. I helped her clean up because she had company coming at 11 and also the therapist. She was too washed out to do the exercises but the therapist saw the nurse needed to come and called and set that up. If I could have called Dan and Catherine (mom's friends) I would have asked them not to come....but mom did good with them. She has learned that if she keeps talking about the past folks will not see the dementia. She did not want much lunch. The nurse said her vitals were good.
The rest of the day was good but she could not sleep. The TV went off and on all night and I had to turn the monitor off because John and I could not sleep. I heard closet doors and finally when I came down she told me she had not slept all night.She was wild eyed. It sure reminded me of Nana after a night of "sun downers". She could not rest all morning and so we decided we needed to take her a ride....we went up the mountain and than to Harrisonburg to get my meds at Costco. She wanted Chick-fil-A. We ate in the car and came back home. John had a flat tire on the truck and so headed down to fill it....I relaxed and thud! I yelled mom and no answer. There she laid on the bathroom floor telling me she was fine. We had been told not to yank her up alone but get help and so I called John who raced back up the hill....we got her back to bed. She claims all that hurts is the tailbone. All of a sudden she yells again and we had a major mess to clean up. I cleaned her up and the diarrhea....the next time she made it to the bathroom and now again. I have just given her bedtime pills.

As I tucked her in she told me I was a good woman....she said "I never knew you were a good woman" than quiet and "I never knew how good your daddy was until he died". What does one say to that? I feel so sorry for her. I came out here and had a good cry. John reminded me how he loved me and he always knew I was a good woman....he than asked me why she never knew this. My gut says she looked for our faults and that kept her from seeing any good in us. That is sobering.

This needs to be a lesson to each of us to tell our husbands and wives and children how much we love them and point out their strengths.

I am concerned mom may get dehydrated again so tomorrow I will be on high alert. You all can be in prayer for her. Pray for understanding for me. She told me tonight I am kind...far kinder than she was to dad. I told her she was my mom but I saw the sadness in her eyes.

Mom was confused tonight really getting angry when I told her she had a bout of diarrhea yesterday. She did not remember at all. I told her she can ask the nurse and she could assure her I was not making it up....than she said, I know I am mixed up, I can remember years ago and last year but not day to day anymore. Again I saw that sadness. It breaks my heart.

So today was a bittersweet day.....I am glad she sees I have good in me but I feel such a loss she never really saw it before.

A BUSY WEEK-END

I just had to add these new pictures of "Woody". He is a constant entertainment for us. He really is a funny fellow.

On Friday mom's brother and wife arrived at Harrisonburg and came out to see us. It is always great to see Uncle Harold and Aunt Irene. Mom sure looked forward to the visit. On Sat. morning we met them along with my cousin Beth and her husband Keith (who were her celebrating their oldest son's graduation from college) at IHOP. It really was a lot of fun to be together. I noticed mom was having a hard time eating but she got her pancaked down finally. She enjoyed it so much but instead of more of a ride she asked to come straight home. When she could hardly walk up the ramp and had to sit and rest I was concerned. I knew the two days added excitement and it also was hot.....but soon I knew there could be trouble. She had several bad accidents and than told me she could not urinate. She barely made it back to bed so I called home health care and they said take her to ER. Mom is very proper but told me she did not care to dress again and would have to go in her gown. They took her right in and found she had acute dehydration and gave her an IV and a good dose of Imodium. We brought her home in 3 hours.

The accidents continued through the night and Sunday AM but finally enough Imodium took care of that. She was so weak she stayed in bed all day. But I am at my wits end....I cannot get her to drink. I am doing good to get in 12-16 ounces a day.....She was hard to deal with all day.

I hoped today she would be clearer but she was a mess in her emotions this morning and I almost lost my patience but stayed calm on the outside......I had to go and get my meds in town and so I enjoyed the ride in the beautiful valley here to adjust my emotions. Driving and praising God as I drive helps and than on the way home I talked to Crystal and Nicole and that always is a shot in the arm for me.

The home heath nurse came soon after I came home and gave mom a good talking to but she had to call the doctor because moms heat rate is only 47....so I am waiting for a call back about that. I did get some Gatorade in her and 1/2 of a homemade sub and some jello. But she is back to sleeping and is really weak.

I am having a hard time going back over things again and again.....where she will be buried, how much that will cost, how she wants to go and be with daddy and all the things I have done wrong in the past. I know part of this is the dementia and some is just mom. I refuse to allow her bitterness to ruin my days......I just wish she would change gears for a bit. So prayer for me is needed.

John is frustrated about the job search and so that adds to the stress level for me. I know God is in control but I sure wish he would move mountains for a job for John. Money is very low and expenses are high. So please pray for relief here.

If you have time remember mom with cards and I welcome calls.....days can get long and lonely for me.

Mom is sick again.

Mom has another UTI and is having a bad day. The wound nurse will be coming to check on the sore on her tailbone. He told me today for mom to have kidney's that function she has to drink 64 ounces a day...she barely drinks 12....so we need prayers. He said the kidneys are in bad shape.

She also is fighting awful depression and so he added Zoloft today.....she cried the last 2 days because she wanted daddy. I am worn out but she needs lots of tender care.

John just left to go and get her meds from Harrisonburg.....maybe she will have a better night.

She was so confused again at times with the doctor.....it may be the toxins again from her kidneys....than the next time she can talk sense.....it is such a off and on thing.

HAPPY EASTER

He is Risen.....He is Risen Indeed!

These are just a few snapshots of our small Easter wonders.....The daffodils are so beautiful this spring. I so enjoy having them in my flower beds.

Mom is having a bad day again.....so down and so negative. I simply cannot get her out of the "what I wanted out of life" to "this is life how can we enjoy it". Some of it is depression, some the dementia and some her unwillingness to look for the good in the day instead of the bad.

I love mom but so often she teaches me what not to do by her being so negative. This is something dad tried to help her with too. Dad never saw the bad....he looked for the good. He found the good in each person he met and he took it a step more....he prayed that person would grow more in the good. He wanted people to be blessed.

This morning we watched a service form the church we were part of in Florida, It is called Northland A Church Distributed....We do this almost every Sunday as we love the message Dr. Joel Hunter brings from the Word of God and the music is simply wonderful! If you ever are in this part of Florida make sure you visit for a service and check out this site:

http://www.northlandchurch.net/

The message is from John 20:11-17.

He shared about the Questions Mary asked Jesus.....this is what hit me...."When God asks you a question it is not for information but investigation......For us to investigate our own answers.

Why are you weeping?

We complain about the government ,the church and live in fear and than go to church and raise our hands and sing "Our God Reigns" or a song about Him being in control. If He is in control that why do we grumble and complain? Is He or is He not in control and do we believe that. Joel reminded us that these things are sure not a good advertisement for God at all. AMEN! We must be looking forward to what God is doing and what He is planning for us. The bottom line is either you trust God or you don't.

"What Can I give you?"

He had to call her by name for her to know who He is....Does He not call us by name everyday and do we see who He is? He tells her to go and tell he has Risen.....maybe she thought things would be the same when she saw Him but they would never be the same. Because of His death and Resurrection things will never be the same.....The old has passed away and all things are new. We can have a deep and personal relationship with Jesus! But more than that we can also know the power of His Resurrection.

Phil.3:10-11 says it all and I like the Amplified Bible here for these verses.....

"[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]
That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Easter is about our resurrection everyday from our circumstances....Looking to what He has planned for us.

We had a late lunch and mom ate like a trooper! But did cry and was bitter that dad is gone to the point she felt it hard to see John and I still have each other.....I just patted her hand and told her we love her.....How I wish she would feel the power of His resurrection!

It is a beautiful day and I will rejoice in it!

How about you?

MOM AND NATURE

These pictures John took after mom yelled for us to come back to her room. This Pileated Woodpecker was only 25 feet from her window. What you can't see is that there is a decayed piece of wood and he was getting a lot of good food from it. I think we watched him a good 5 minutes. Nature gives us such pleasure when we take time to just enjoy it.

Mom is eating like a horse.....here is a sample.

Last night I cooked a pork roast and has a casserole of sauerkraut that had sliced apples in it and brown sugar with broth from the roast. I made mashed potatoes too. Mom had 3 helpings.

If I cook what she likes she will eat and at this time eating anything is a plus.

Her joy comes from shuffling stuff from one drawer to another and back again. She is excited to have her stuff again. She does forget where some things are and also what she left in the home she sold in Florida. So we tell her again and again....

She does sleep quite a lot......her strength is just not there. She has been coming out for lunch and supper but I spoil her with breakfast in bed. She has a hospital table and so that makes it easy for her. She has not been able to read at all and cannot work her puzzles. This all frustrates her and we hear outbursts from her room.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store for her....she wanted Honey Buns, good hoop cheese, split pea soup, stuff to make tomato gravy on fried potatoes and ice cream sandwiches. Her new love is white cheese crackers and I get them for her....we hope the salt makes her drink because she will not drink and I worry about more bladder infections and with chronic kidney disease it is a concern.

We will be home for Easter. I have a small ham, sweet potatoes, green beans red beet eggs and a cake. I hope to make it as festive time. I sure will miss our kids and grand kids....

Aunt Gladys gave me a "Caregivers Journal" and this week I have been journaling on "It is a Privilege". Matthew 25:40 gave me a start,

"And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

In the eyes of the world mom's dependence on John and myself makes her "a least one". But she is my mother and she cared for me when I was a "least one". Now it is my privilege to care for her.

1 Timothy 5:8 says,

"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. "

Mom is now a member of our household and this is a mandate for John and I to do our best. It is a strange thing to have mom rely on me.....a reversal of roles.....but one I do want to do for her and for the Lord. Pray for us because we are learning.....

MOM IS HOME

and resting but exhausted!

Please pray this will be an easy transition for all of us.

She still is on a ton of meds. I took her to Bob Evans for a meal and it was overload but she enjoyed it a lot.....even ate an egg, bacon and a biscuit. A lot for her!

Remember her with cards and calls please.

2637 Hopkins Drive
Massanutten,
Va.
22840

540-908-3097

PRAY:
She will continue to eat.
She has bowel problems and that is tough on her,
She will settle down.....she is pushy right now....
John still needs a job.

She does have pneumonia

They just called a few minutes ago to tell me the chest results are showing pneumonia. They have decided she needs to stay in skilled nursing until Monday and see how the meds are working and that see when she can come home. All the other tests are not back and so the doctor feels he needs to know just what he is treating. I totally agree this time.

She is not going to be a happy camper. This morning in her demented state she got up and tried to pack to come home. Of course they put her back to bed and saw she still had a fever. When I talked to her she was totally confused waiting for her dad.....Bless her heart.

We are taking in a meal tonight and will deal with her disappointment than.

PRAY:
They find the right meds.
Her fever to go down.
She will allow herself to rest.
She lost more weight this week and is 108 pounds. This is serious.
She will not lose her strength again laying around and she loses it fast!

Quick Update

They have the fever down to around 100. I just talked to her and she is sounding rough but seems in better spirits. We are going to head in there soon. Again they seem to rely on not a higher fever and she does not run fevers like a normal person and so again I will have to be her advocate.

Pray I keep my cool.

Please pray for mom

When I got in today I knew we were in trouble......she is coughing again and it is deep. She is bringing up nasty stuff. She had a bit of toast for breakfast...sipped some tomato soup for lunch and I managed to get 1/3 cup smoothie that I had frozen for her and that was exhausted. She ate no supper.

I just got a call....she has a temp. over 101.....they have taken blood and got it to the hospital and in the early AM the mobile x-ray will be there......she was already in bed and will be checked each 1/2 hour.

Mom is tired of fighting.....

Please pray God's will be done.....she was scheduled to come home Sat. but now I wonder....I just have a bad feeling.

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Signs of Spring here in Massanutten are everywhere. It has been rainy or cloudy for the last few days and so greens are popping out and the landscape is coming alive. I see tiny ferns just breaking through the ground. My tulips are looking ready to bloom soon. It has been so long since I have had Spring bulbs in my yard.

Mom is back in Oak Lea and is doing much better. She still has memory lapses. For some reason Lancaster is embedded in her mind and she thinks I brought her from there. She talked to Aunt Gladys a bit yesterday and I was pleased. But when she got off the phone she thought they should come see her in Lancaster. I now can tell her where she is and it comes back. The nurses said she had a very bad morning yesterday and was very confused. She wanted to stay in bed and informed them when she lives with her daughter she will not be getting out of bed and would be eating in her room when she wants to. The therapist told her that would not be fair to me. So they warned me she will go back fast if I allow her to do that. I see many challenges ahead. She is very weepy about dad.

The plan is to bring her home to stay today a week. She is distressed it is that long but we have to be sure that UTI is gone. She is walking great except she looks down all the time as she uses the walker. We cannot get her to look up. That may have to do with the Lewies Bodies.

She is not really eating nor drinking much. I got tired of that and made a mango/peach/banana smoothie full of protein powder and took it in. She turned up her nose but I ignored her and put some in a small cup and gave her a spoon and that I began to chatter so she would not have a chance to think about what was in her hand and she ate it. I filled it again and again and again and only at the fourth cup did she stop. She did not know she had that many and Kitty and I (her room mate) just had a good time about it. But smoothies will be a daily item here at home. I learned with Nana (my MIL that lived with us) you can hide nutrition many ways.

Mother has a best friend....Mary Zook and this precious lady has been so faithful visiting mom almost daily and lately taking her spins on the wheelchair. Mary is a strength to me too. Watching them tells me we need to keep our friends close. Friends are a treasure.

Today, even through it is cloudy we will take time for John and I. I still need something upstairs for my crafts and counter for the printer. So I think we will go treasure hunting. I will call mom to remind her I am taking today off from coming in to see her.

PRAY:
Mom’s chest will clear up…..she is coughing a bit.
Mom will do all she needs to do this week in order to come home. When she gets down she gets hard headed and will allow the depression to take over.
I will have the patience and strength I need. My knees are killing me right now.
John will get a job. We are praying about his own business.

Mom's roommate has been taken to the hospital...Miss Kitty

PRAISE:
Mom is on far less drugs.
She can carry on a conversation about memories….that comforts me.

Mom"s mind is better today

Mom seemed a lot more alert today. They have pulled her off Wellbutrin completely. They feel that was what threw her over the top......they also have her off of 3/4 of the lorazepam for anxiety. She is on 2 low dosage a day along with 100 MG of Zoloft and when she is home they want that cut down. But it will take months to do so. She still felt she was in Lancaster and folks from Elizabethtown had been there to see her. She does have dementia they feel but we can work with it. Her short time memory is bad. We will deal with that when she is home. She will stay on Aricept for now but that is hard on the Urinary Track and she still has a cloudy urine. So that may have to be stopped and the memory may get worse. The trouble is they have to take her off of that slowly too.

BUT she is on IV's for bacteria and is a sick lady. She is on Zosyn for several more days. Than she is on even more by mouth. She does have the bacteria for a type of pneumonia and also has severe diarrhea.

So the plan is for her to go to a rehab until this is straightened out and they can walk her more because she has become very weak. I will know tomorrow where she will go. They told me I have done a good job on watching her and they said they will request nothing for her mental state will be allowed to be added unless they talk to John or myself. We that have her primary care doctor to run it past. Mom and dad went to him when they lived in Virginia and mom does remember him.

PRAY:
We get to the Rehab that will allow my input.....

She can begin to eat...she just could not today. I think she ate 1/2 salad and a few strawberries.
She did not attempt to eat supper.

The correct meds can be found and work for she is getting weak.

A job for John

PRAISE:
She was so much more alert today and far less confusion.

I actually enjoyed visiting with her.

She does not need the Mental Health Floor.

Today was a tough day

Mom has been moved to the Mental Health Unit. They hope to help her come off the large amounts of meds and see just why all the confusion. I visited her at lunch and she was very confused. She told the doctor that she was 97. Than she told us that grandma had been sneaking in to give her meds. They asked her if her mother was alive and she did not know.....that I said remember mom, that grandma died on Black Monday.....and she came right back with November 2......but later she told us her mother was there......Betty Ebersole is giving her meds and snuck her there......than she told the doctor I lived in Pa and drove all night to get to her.....so you see things are not right.......

Her lungs are not clear today and so they have put her back on the IV to get more antibiotics and this will be for several days.

She is not eating. For lunch I got her to eat a few pieces of cantaloupe and tonight she would not eat at all...

We just got back form the evening visit. She was in a fidgety mood and glad to see us.....She told me Louie Ebersole build the building she is in and they are allowing her to be there but she wants to come home to Elizabethtown. She mentioned several ladies that are nurses and drive to care for her each day but they all were from Elizabethtown.

She does make sense often but has there times she lapses into her own world.

One lady that visited mom told me she was back to her old self and I was so happy only to be told by the doctor she was so confused all day. I have been questioned why I have her there and I know this person thinks she is fine. But we know she is not. The doctors told me this was the only way to keep her in for observation and to get her off many of her pills and than to find what she needs. As I said she had good minutes and if you catch her than she may sound OK but as the nurse says it is the short term memory that is so messed up.

I so want my mom home.....I just lost dad and seeing her slipping away is so very hard on me. It hurts.

PRAY:
Mom can rest tonight.

The infection will not go to pneumonia.

Her mind may clear

For wisdom for her doctors.

Job for John.

PRAISE:

John is a rock to me....

Friends that remember a card means the world to me right now.

A sweet aunt that sent a "Caregiver's Journal" to me....and it helps!

Books a friend sent that take me away for a bit.

Love of God.....How rich and Pure and such a comfort to me. I know that with God I can do whatever I have to....I am willing.

Mom is in the Hospital Again

Mom did not know John and myself this morning and so I took her to the doctor she used to go to......the UTI was terrible and so they gave her a shot......but she got worse and as the doctor was coming back into th room she stated yelling about the rats under my chair....she would not follow and directions and so they sent us to the hospital....

She was put on IV's.....her blood pressure was high.....they looked at the meds and gulped....they said she should have never should have been released.....they called in an internal med doctor and she said mom sounds like pneumonia and I told the rehab she was coming down with that.....she was on meds that made her worse....so they are going to do a sleep study because she has been aspiring in her sleep and I was told the heart values are not working right....they are concerned about the years of constipation......she is mal-nourished and really bad.....there was a list of 15 things she wants to deal with. I really liked her and she listened to all we said. Told us we are doing a great job and wanted us to know she will do all she can.

I am so worn out...my day started at 5 with her yelling about dad and she thought she was chasing him....that will get your heart racing when you are sleeping good....we had the baby monitor on all night.....My back is hurting from trying to hold her up and my mind is simply burned out.....So say prayers for us and when I know more I will post......

MOM IS COMING HOME

Mom is coming home on Wednesday.Talk about laying down a lot of cash......go get a 3 way potty, transfer bench for the tub, rails for the toilet and a wheelchair....than Depends and pads for the bed.....hat was over $500.00. And no Medi-care would only pay for the walker. I bit my lip and wrote the check. If she understood she would have a fit! But while she worries she does not seem to understand at all.

If you all have your mom and dad and can spend time with them while they are mentally OK make sure you spend time with them. I look at her and only wish we could have been better friends. I was that with dad but mom always kept me at arms length with her bitterness of not having a child of her own. I look at all of those years and wonder if she knows what she missed out on.....I wonder if she knows how hard it was on dad....I wonder what she would have been like if she would have been happy and thankful.....I wonder if she wonders.....The life lesson is this....life is too short to be ever be bitter. Bitterness kills so much and robs one of joy. We have to start each day with a list of what we are thankful for. We embrace what comes and accept the hard changes. In doing these things we find we are drawn closer to the Lord and those we love. Dad showed me how to be grateful and he would so often talk to me about his worries about mom being so bitter. I never heard my dad complain about his polio and his lung trouble. He instead was cheerful and helpful. He gave me a wonderful example. But than I look and see the Aunties that raised him lived that as a whole.

Never allow bitterness to steal the blessings! Mend fences, embrace loved ones, forgive and live a full life. As I look at mom I see no coping skills except bitterness and depression.I ask you all pray as I begin care for mom. It is all I can muster to do this but she adopted a baby that needed a home and I have come to see that I can say thanks by giving her a home. The depression she has is serious and we need prayers there too. I fear he has her on way too many meds! So we will work on that too.

I just had a horrible news...a precious online friend died last night. I was on a group called the Lilies for years and she was one of the early members. I shall miss her very much....may we all treasure each other a bit more.....Pray for Elaine's family.

PRAY:
For the confusion to be less.

That mom gets her balance in check. For now it will be 24 hour care for John and myself. She falls back but they can do no more in therapy.

That my legs can handle this all as well as John's and my health.

Job for John

What a Beautiful Snow!

This is from the back door this morning. You can see a bit of the ramp John is building for mom.

This is from the front door. I simply love snow!

The Friday visit home for mom went well. I went to go get her around noon and the therapist followed us. They are no longer able to transport folks in their private cars due to insurance issues. John had worked on the ramp after dark and first thing in the morning and had it ready for her when we got home. He just has to finish the side rails. She was really worn out by the time she got into the house. But she wanted to see her room. Much to my delight she liked it.

We found a adjustable single bed on Craig's List with massage in it too and that pleased her. The therapist helped her get up and down in the bed. Than they checked out her bathroom and mom said it was the nicest she has ever had. John did a GREAT job with both rooms.

I had made pot roast, sweet potatoes, Yukon Gold potatoes and carrots. Mom ate! The therapist was shocked. For dessert I had sliced Florida strawberries and added sugar and we had that over vanilla ice cream. That is something mom loves. She ate that all too. As we sat and chatted I saw she was exhausted and asked her if she wanted to lay down. But she said since she "Had" to go back she was ready. We agreed and so I drove her back. On both trips I could engage her in conversation about the mountains, places she saw she and dad had been to, and some memories. That was encouraging to me.

I promised John I would rest Sat. and that I did! I needed to allow my meds to help heal this lingering cough and congestion. I made us sausage/egg biscuits for brunch. John was outside working and I thought he may want to eat lunch and he did so we had soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. We had a late supper and had crab cakes, french fries and a salad.

On Sunday I called mom and she was crying. It had snowed and she told me I had to come in. So John took me in and he went material shopping for his outside projects. Mom was not doing good at all. She was in a nervous tizzy! I think her night was rough and her memory was messed up. he was upset there were boxes in half of our living room when there was not one box there. She declared her room was a corner of the living room and she could not do that. So I quietly reminded her of her trip out here and she cried.

I chatted with the nurse and they feel she is heading for a breakdown. I hope not. She would not drink for the Sat or Sunday. So I called John and told him to bring her a Wendy's burger, FF's and a chocolate milk shake. He said he would. I made her drink a small glass of water which upset her. But it seems they feel the UTI is still there and a bad sigh. Her blood pressure is up again and so the doctor will address that today. The have changed her depression meds to Wellbutrin and added something else. The blood pressure meds have been increased too. The nurse made us a cup of tea and she did not want that either. But when John came with the Wendy's she dug in!

I am not sure just how mom will do. Before she comes home they have to have that blood pressure under control and she has to be able to go to the bathroom alone and her balance must be better. It should be in the next 2 weeks. I think she may be better at home. I hope so.

PRAY:

Mom's blood pressure will go down

The depression will improve

Her emotions will be under control.

A job for John

PRAISE:

She liked the house and her rooms.

We have beautiful snow!

I feel better finally.

UP AND DOWN AGAIN

Mom is having some really rough days. This is the week she and dad would have been married 66 years and the first anniversary since his death in August. She is really having a hard time expressing her grief. She simply cries a lot. I have not shed tears in front of mom but often am thankful for the 9 mile drive home....than I shed my tears.

She also is very impatient to get out of there. I sure do understand that. Her balance is still bad and they have to see improvement in that for her to come home. Her blood pressure is all over the place and that has to be stable.

This is how yesterday went.....I called her after I ran some errands (looking for a dresser for her and still have not found one) to ask if she had eaten her lunch. She had not and wanted meat loaf. I stopped to get her that and mashed potatoes, green beans, ice cream sandwich and Root Beer.
But she forgot she wanted that and in the mean time asked for ice cream there. She ate about 3 bites and said she was full.

Than she said "let's go". I asked where were we going and she said to the beauty shop. I showed her the note I had on the bulletin board saying she would be going Monday afternoon for a perm.
She informed me it was Monday. When she saw it was not she threw something across the room and went to crying. The nurse came in to giver her pills. Mom stopped and took them. She had told me her blood pressure was 516 and they had fits during the night. I asked the nurse what it had been and it was over 200. That upset mom because she read the machine and it said 516 and she told us we were all against her and cried again. I told the nurse her hair could not be done until Monday but she called and said it was a must mom got it cut and washed now. So they came down for her and will do the perm Monday. As she left I reminded her I would not be in today and she would be here on Friday for a visit.

I cleaned up her room because she had packed to come home. I looked at her journal which has gone from 20+ sentences to hardly 3. She wrote John and I were in Texas on the 2ND of this month. Last week we were in NC according to her and there all week. The last entry said, "I am mixed up...I can't write anymore." That brought me to tears. Of course we were in neither place.

I called her last night to say good night and she said she was coming home for good today. I decided not to say anything back but that I loved her. She cut it all short because the nurse was getting her a mom and water and she was going to wash her walls and floor.

This morning I got a call that they were concerned about her mental state. Increasing meds may make her more problems with her balance.

I am not sure what to think....is the place driving her into this state? Is the Lewy Bodies Dementia simply taking it toll? Or is is a combination of the two? I do not know but I know my heart is broken. How I long to talk to dad.....I find myself wanting to talk to grandma...(her mom) and asking for advice. I find that I miss the 2 of them so much these weeks. Time does heal but it cannot completely heal that hole in your heart that longs to be able to talk with them.

John still has a lot to do for tomorrow. He is making a walkway in the back for her to come into the house. Her room needs one more coat of paint so I can get it set up......so this will be a late night again. Maybe an all night job.....I hope not. I told him this week-end we are going to rest and explore and he agrees that is what he needs.

The one job he wanted has been filled. We were so disappointed but know the Lord has the right job for him. He was over qualified they said.

PRAY:
We can work in a constructive way today.
John has injured his shoulder again and is in pain.
Mom will calm down.
That I will have the wisdom to deal with this, the strength and be able to be firm.

PRAISE:
Nature we both so enjoy here.
Love of friends and family with the cards and calls and yes, the care packages.
We seem to have a sane mind......

MOM IS FEELING SICK

This is the front of our home. John will have lots of fun with these flowerbeds! He already is planning what to do.

We visited mom yesterday. She was not having a good day at all. Some of the problems are due to an consistant upset stomach. She also had blood pressure problems. Those things seemed to get her "down in the dumps". I encouraged her to lay down and that seemed to help. She did pick up when I dialed Uncle Harold on the cell phone. She napped while I sewed and than Mary Zook came in for a visit. She almost comes daily and mom enjoys her. I guess I was there about 3 hours while John shopped for paint and lumber. He brought Sparky in and as usual mom loved that visit and enjoyed him laying at her feet.

My cousin Dave Shearer and Drew stopped by for a bit before they did some night snow skiing here at the resort. That was a treat for both of us.

Today mom has a cold and her blood pressure is even higher. It is over 220 but was coming down a bit. I felt she needed rest and no visits and so we are working here at the house. We took a drive because it is such a beautiful day.

I just called mom's nurse and her blood pressure is still a bit of a problem. They have increased the meds 2 times and she said it seems to be holding its own. But the doctor wants to see what may be making it go up. I think if they give her anti-anxiety meds again they will see it go back down. She is in a state of mind and thinks they are keeping her there forever. The sore throat is going around there so they will be checking on that because she had not told them about it.

I guess it is time for super....I will be making Tilapia fish fried in panko crumbs and crab cakes, sweet potato fries and a vegetable. I am enjoying cooking again.

PRAY:
Mom dos not get this cold bug
Her blood pressure goes down
She will be able to come and see the house on Friday with the caseworker.
Job for John

PRAISE:
Friends and family and their prayers.
I am feeling better
Nature all around me!

I THINK I WILL MAKE IT!

I took these 2 pictures from our bedroom window. It is so peaceful to look out and see nature all around us. I always had a dream of having a cabin in the woods....God is so good!

The move was a very hard one. We left here Tuesday. It was a good trip back to Georgia. But we had to get right to work. We gave ourselves 2 days to pack up all our stuff. Our friend there did hire 2 men for us to help pack and load. It was work from sun-up until way into the night. I will tell you this...it was like Heaven to get into our Comfort Sleep Number Bed after over a month in a hotel and that hard bed!

I did find time to have lunch with Crystal. It was so good to see her again. I will miss her so much! The hardest part of this move is leaving the kids all in Georgia. As a mother I want to be close to them and watch the grand kids grow. I dread to think they may forget me.....

We were packed up by Thursday around midnight and John decided he wanted to pull out that night and drive until he was too tired. We were all hitched up to the auto transport by 2AM and left. John decided he was going to drive straight through since the truck was so large and we had the transport. We knew the mountains we had to cross were expecting high winds late Friday.

I confess I did sleep a lot and felt worse and worse. We arrived here in Harrisonburg about 3 in the afternoon and came out to the house to leave the truck and unload the car.

Friday night it was evident I was fighting some ugly bug and on Sat. morning I did not want to budge. I came along to the house but did very little with the fever I had. My cousin Beth has such fine sons and they worked hard to get us unloaded. Drew came back the next day to help John get our 2 huge sofas into the house and they did it! Their help was so appreciated!

It is a peaceful and wonderful house and as soon as we get some serious work done I will post pictures. If I had to be sick than I am glad it is here. I can look out and simply relax.

I have gotten the kitchen unpacked and all the antique dishes in their places. The bedroom is 3/4 done. For me this is so slow. But I cannot get over this cough and I am so wiped out. I know my immune system was down with all the stress. I have mom on my mind, made a major move and know life will not be the same when she comes home.

I have only seen her once this week. John has taken my place. I did not want to get her sick nor did I want to get the stomach flu that is going around the home. We are going in this evening to see her and have a nice supper at Outback. A dear friend send us a gift card and tonight I finally feel like I can enjoy it.

Mom is trying hard and is walking. She wants to get out of there really bad. The confusion is bad at times. Earlier this week she was the best we had seen her since surgery. But yesterday and today on the phone she was agitated and confused. She complains of workman working outside her room in the courtyard all night or children playing out there all night. Of course neither is happening at all. She also felt they were throwing things at the TV screen the last part of the night. I have found it is useless to try to explain those things are not real. She knows she is confused at times and that causes her great pain. Those times I leave and have a good cry.

Friday a week we will have a home visit for them to see if the place is ready for mom. We have to paint her room. John has to build a walkway for her to come around to the back where he can make a ramp for her to come into the house. Her bathroom needs painting and made ready for her also. Today John bought her a adjustable bed. (not an hospital bed) As I am writing this he is buying the paint and lumber for the projects.

PRAY:

Mom continues to try.

Her new UTI will be gone.

Her stomach stays upset and so she does not eat. She did not eat any lunch today except for pudding. The drinking still is not happening.

My fears will cease. As many of you know mom and I have had a rocky road. We love each other but are so different and at times it scares me. But I know this is what am to do and John and I want to give her a home.

A job for John.

PRAISE:

We have a house and it is becoming a home.

Safety in all our travels.

Nature all around us!

Our update

We now have a home in Massanutten, Virginia. It is 10 miles out of Harrisonburg.
It is in the Massanutten Ski Resort. It is a lovely 3 bedroom brick Cape Cod home.
Mom will have a bath and bedroom downstairs. There is a cute kitchen and dinning room, a big livingroom, and a family room downstairs. Upstairs is 2 large bedrooms and a big bathroom.. I feel I can make the steps for bed and keep it to a mimium during the day.

I can see the mountains when the leaves are off the trees from the living room window.But on the drive down to the main road I sure can see mountain ranges. I love it! Now you all can come and there is lots to do.....golf, winter sking, trails, swimming pools, an indoor water park.....to name a few.
http://www.massresort.com/

I will send pictures when we come back. We are leaving tomorrow for LaGrange. We pick up the truck on Wednesday and so have Tuesday to pack and Thursday and we will leave Friday morning for our new home. It will be a hard few days but we must get uo here and paint and get ready for mom in 3-4 weeks. We can do it with your prayers!

Our new address is:
2637 Hopkins Drive
Massanutten, Va.
22840

I will be checking the mail in LaGrange and we will have the cable on Monday the 16th.
Anybody want to help unload on Sat......Valentines Day?

Drew is going to help unload and his brother.....we are going to pay them what we would have to pay a U-Haul plan of men to help unload...we are so happy about this.


Mom is doing just OK. She has had many confussed times and it is hard for them to work with her at times. She will begin putting all her weight on that hip this Friday. They hope she will respond to that well.

She still is hardly eating....they say she eats 23% of a meal and just does not drink. So pray a miracle will happen. They figure 3-4 weeks before she can come home...we have a lot to do before that.

Again pray for our safety traveling and packing. Right now I am exhausted but know the Lord can give me strength.
Love to all!

Trouble again!

Mom has another UTI and was really mixed up yesterday. I will talk to the doctor today and update you all on this.

It took us all day to get her to give them a urine sample. She is just not drinking! I had to play hard ball with her yesterday but was crying inside. I told her she will not be able to come home with us (wherever that may be) if she has kidney failure. She than asked could she be with dad. The tears flowed fast for me than.

John had a good interview yesterday at a retirement home . He would like this job so I ask you all to be in prayer for him and the job.

I so need to settle down....this room is getting to me big time.

Yesterday a friend sent me a care package of felt and all those goodies. I was so blessed. I am so low on supplies...but this helped.

Thanks Uncle Harold and Aunt Irene for the mail.....Aunt Irene I still need a picture of you to add to the scrapbook...one of you and Uncle Harold would be great. I have the one of Uncle Bob's on the wall for her and would add the two of you there along with one of her and dad.

I need to run.
Love to all

Pray:
The kidneys are not failing
mom can rest.
Job and home for us to set up ad bring mom to.

Praise:
The beauty around me!
Life
A clear mind...never take this for granted!

Would You Eat This?

Mom would not...she ate a bit of the crab cake....one of the 5 fries, none of the oatmeal bread with garlic butter and a bite of the pie. She did not touch the drinks. (One is a protein shake and Vit water is the other.)

Wednesday

This is a scene behind the hotel on a country road. I just love this snow!

Yesterday was a trip.....I walked into the VMRC and the therapist stopped me. Mom fell asleep walking and in all the other exercises so she took mom back to the bed. She said mom had not eaten anything from her tray for breakfast either.

As I passes the nurses station they stopped me to tell me she had not eaten lunch either and something had to be done. So "I pulled up my big girl panties" and marched into her room. I had trouble waking her up too. I decided to get to the point and told her I "WAS" going to get her something to eat and she had no say about it. She tried to tell me no but I had selective hearing. Finally she decided she could eat a bit of a Subway Italian sub....so off I went and had them cut the 6 inch into thirds and stopped at the fridge at VMRC and got her a little can of Ginger Ale.

She took the smallest 1/3 of the sub and I would not let her stop until she had it all down. She fussed. She had one swallow of the drink and declared it too cold. I was happy she ate a bit but as the nurse reminded me that was not much to keep her going. We chatted a bit but she told me over and over about the kids out in the snow all night in the courtyard and they kept throwing snow at her window. She reported the parents for neglect.....and some more silly stuff. I asked the nurse and she said mom "reported" it all night to the nurses. The hall was very quiet and so it is part of the Lewy Bodies.

There have been time I wondered if she was playing me but a long talk with the doctor made me see she is not capable of that. Her tastes have been altered, her hallucinations are real to her and her ability to eat and know what she needs has been altered. I will accept that. He also had me talk to a specialist on this and it lines up.

I just talked to mom and she says she could not focus on walking again and so has to try again this afternoon. This is not good news as the progress she makes in rehab says how long she can stay under medicare.

I still am struggling at all the unknowns to me at this time...like job, home and mom...but my faith has been strengthened.

Aunt Gladys, thanks for the "care package". It is a real treat. Mom wanted the pretzels and a few cheese puffs. John and I needed that love!

PRAY:
***Mom does rehab

***job and home for us

PRAISE:

***I feel better in my emotions

TUESDAY'S THOUGHTS

I am so thankful for the beautiful snow we had yesterday afternoon and up till midnight. I really was having a rough day and this just seemed to blanket me with peace and comfort. I just loved this picture taken outside of our room. Snow can take a bare bush and make a work of art out of it! I think we will take a drive today.


I have to keep my hands busy....so I did this set for my pin cushion group....They are fun to make and fully jointed. It is all out of felt. I try to do what I can with what I have here. I so miss my stash of fabrics, felt,buttons ect!

I really am on overload! I guess it is a good case of "cabin fever" too. I so need to know we have a home to bring mom home to. But how can one do that without a job? We still have to pay rent in LaGrange.....Mom is asking so many times a day when will we have a house? That pushes me in panic mode. I told John last night I feel like I did when I gave birth....you know the room needs to be right for the baby....the same is true with having mom come Home. I have to make sure all she needs is there. She sold her furniture with the mobile home and so we will need that.

I am really in a panic about a job too. It has been so long it seems since life has been normal for us. I know now that some things did not work out so we would have this time here to make mom comfortable. John did have to do the drug test yesterday and so maybe that means we are closer to a job. Please pray with us for the miracle of a job!

Somehow we must pack LaGrange and have a place to bring it to.....that has me in a fit too. I usually an calm about all this but this time I am stressing.

I know it will fall into place but last night and today I feel like a ball of nerves.

As for mom....she was a mess yesterday. I walked out and chatted with the nurse and asked her if mom was just mixed up with me and she replied, "No honey you do not see the worst". I still marvel that she can get on the phone and make sense. Yesterday they were going to put wood in her knee to keep it from turning in. She wanted me to stop them. I could not reason with her and have learned than it is time to kiss her, pray with her and leave.

The truth of the matter is this...I lost dad in August and I am losing mom a day at a time now. It hurts so much. I have no siblings to share this with and it makes me feel so alone. I long for a sister to just share my fears....needing someone to help me know I can do what I have to do. I don't want to stress John too much about all of this and so I internalize it and that is not good.

Money is a big factor and so we cannot place her anywhere but with us. I also have deep feelings that we need to care for our parents when we can. She loves Sparky and ants us to bring him in at night. She strokes that dog and sometimes I see tears slipping form her eyes. I know what she is thinking...."you miss grandpa too, don't you Sparky". Sometimes she does say that. I am sharing this because Sparky is so gentle with her and she responds to him. One reason I know she would do better at home.

Well, this has been rambling but the best I can do today.....

PRAY:

Mom can rest in peace....not so agitated

Mom's knee will be able to hold her up...it turns in and is a problem when she puts her weight on that hip and leg.

Pray for a job, house and wisdom in moving again.

SUNDAY

It is so hard to update right now…
Mom has a good day and I am pleased but the next she is so mixed up. Like yesterday… I called her 10AM to see if she wanted me to bring anything. She was hot under the collar because it was 10 at night and I had not been there all day. I explained to her it was morning but she had it set in her mind it was not. I went on in and she was still mixed up.
She also was slurring and fell off to sleep in a moment.

I called her again at 2 and asked what she would eat. She said it was late in the night and to eat them would be wrong. So again I went in…the same story. The nurses said all day they had to tell her it was day and the curtains were open and the sun was shining.

I called again at 8 and gave up even reasoning with her….she said it was than 8AM and her breakfast was late. She claimed they had not brought meals all day.

Today was a bit better except that someone was on her roof all night throwing chunks of something at her window. They said she called them about this for a good part of the night. Than she felt there was a party in the hall and they were laughing at her. I asked how many were out there and she said at least a dozen. Than she will answer the phone and talk sense to whoever calls. It baffles them and me too.

Tonight there were voices in me and she was quite upset…I tried to be funny and said sometimes I feel like I hear voices and she got upset…. so I told her I was teasing and than she said she was mad at me. I left that slide…. Let’s see she scrubbed the floor of her room today and the walls. Something’s never change because she is a cleaning machine.

I took her V8 juice tonight and she like it but said it was nasty. Lorraine, I may need to join the Murphy girls…One thing she loved was I found her Bridge mix (chocolate covered peanuts, raisins ect. and she was one happy camper. Ruby, I told her that was from you and Carl. I explained you sent a gift and we were using it for special times. She said thanks.

As for eating she takes 2 bites of things on her plate if any and than wants no more. They feel the doctor will be worried tomorrow.

John is applying at the Massanutten Ski Resort tomorrow
http://www.massresort.com/

We went there last night to see it and were amazed. We watched the skiers on the artificial slopes for a long time. They need a maintenance tech at the resort and he would love that! So keep praying. Thn we took a long drive in the country. I love this area!

Maybe I will have more to report tomorrow.