HUMOR IS WHAT WE NEEDED

Humor is what I got!

I have to admit I am used to seeing dogs tied up outside but not cats I do not care to see dogs chained up but this is over the top to me. I would have loved to take more pictures but John told me to hurry up he did not want to get shot.

This is how this happened... We were looking for a house that was to be rented. The ad said a bit out in the country...listen, it was way out there! The churches in this area had outhouses and the larger one had the rest rooms in a block building outside. The countryside was beautiful! The creek running bu the road was called "Naked Creek". The ice and snow was still at places and was so untouched by man. We were on the way in when I saw this....I giggled and than thought I did not see that. It must have been dogs and just one cat was on top of the box...I told John who was looking the other way and could tell he thought I slipped a cog! The house was way up the side of a mountain off a dirt road that was so scary to drive. We passed signs that were handmade that said things like "We shoot trespassers" or "Turn around here at own risk" or

"your life is in my hands if you trespass" . After these warnings I knew I did not want to live there. Let's just say the house was interesting on the outside. THE VIEW WAS GREAT.

But it looked like it would fall off the side of the mountain. So we headed down. As we came up on the "cat yard" I asked John to slow down. He did and I snapped this picture. These cats were on leashes and were sitting on their boxes or in their boxes. This would give PETA a real cause! These cats were what we called "barn cats" on the farm. Now let me say this....cats are not made to be tied up!

By the time I took the picture John was in stitches...he laughed so hard I thought he best pull off the road but than why? The road was not traveled much at all. When I downloaded it on my computer he had a fit again and thought maybe this person was potty training them..see the outhouse on the picture? Your guess is as good as mine!

We did not find a house but we had a fun afternoon and God knew we needed that!

ANOTHER CURVE HAS UP CONCERNED

Mom was waiting for me.
They have left the tray from breakfast and lunch on her table for me....She had not eaten ONE bite.She took 2 sips, if that, of one protein shake and non of the other. I had a fit!

They offered her soup, a sandwich and she said no.Than the doctor came in.....his eyes said it all. I am not sure where our Vit D levels are to be but he says he worries when it is 20 in a woman mom's age. Hers is 8. He says he has to give her mega dose each day for 10 days and than a dose once a week. How she can take that I do not know.

Than he was also upset she was not eating. I said I was upset at the weight loss of 13-14 pounds. He said no, before the flu she was down 16 pounds. Now it is more he is sure. So he is increasing the marijuana pill....so we will see.He took me in the hall and told me he is worried when he looks at the whole picture. The good thing is that she is trying in therapy and so they can keep her. The protein is not any better and not the iron either. She Has to eat!

I am feeling funny in my stomach now....I do not want this bug!

MOM IS DOING BETTER

I called the nurse today because the roads still had ice and it has been a long times since I drove on icy roads....she is much better and they had her up.

I plan to go soon.

Love,
Donna G

YESTERDAY and now the FLU

This picture is about how I feel! I am so torn between what needs to be done. As I sat in the car and saw this split I remembered God does have a sense of humor.... He knows how I feel before I can express it and sometimes He does put it in my path clearly.....

We met with 6 of the ladies that work with mom. I want to boil down the hour meeting to these few things.
The goal for all of us is to have her be able to dress herself. Maybe use the bathroom...at least walk to the bathroom with her walker with me present. To feed herself which is going fair. They are having her journal because she can get words down on paper when alone. Her memory loss seems to be with words and their meanings. She is confused by dressing herself (it takes 15 minutes to do the top alone). She cannot understand the other new things they introduce her to. They feel this will take 3-4 weeks. By that we need to have a house and John a job. This is a hard place to be. We have to pack up in LaGrange too.

Today we have snow and so John felt he needed to take me to the Wal-Mart for some shoes for mom. She cannot tie shoes at all. She also needed socks. We went to VMRC to give them to her.
She has something going on.... throwing up and diarrhea. So the nurse said to poke my head in and say hi. She than told me this adds some problems for mom. She cannot lose any more weight. I will here from the doctor tomorrow.

She also has been throwing up thick phlegm.... That scares me too. She said it is best if I call mom tonight but stay away. I agree as John also has a sore throat and aches all over.
This is indeed a roller coaster ride!

PRAY:
Mom recovers from this flu (?)

Mom tries harder. They say she just digs in her feet and stops. She tells them I will do all for so they need not train her. Ouch!

John feels better.

The interview for today was changed to Friday at 2:00. Maybe this will be a job!

I settle down inside. I feel like a person without a home.

PRAISE:
I LOVE THE SNOW!!!!

Update on Sat.

Yesterday was rough....

I went in about lunch hoping to get mom to eat. But that was not to be. She had about 1/5 piece of toast with strawberry jam and drank a few sips of broth for me. The rest was left alone.

I could tell she was really down and tried to joke a bit but that upset her and she blurted out….”Just let me die.” What does one say to that? I have tried all I now to try to give her a push into wanting to get well. So I knew it was time to talk with her about this. She says she just wants to be with daddy. She hates being in bed. She has no strong desire to even try to walk because it is not going very good for her and she knows the future will be with a walker or cane. That she will not accept she told me. She wanted to know how long it would take her to die if she does not eat…She reminded me no feeding tubes and
IV feedings. She cried and I cried. Do you all know God collects all our tears in a bottle?

I looked at the photograph album I made for her along with the cards and that did not spark a bit of interest. I sat about 2 hours with her and she wanted more meds and when they came I left. The nurse that has been the best with mom had tears in her eyes as I came out of the room. She just lost her husband after a stay at the rehab for 3 years fighting cancer. She hugged me and told me they have seen the look in moms’ eyes that says,” I am done”. It is there.

John too me a long drive….we ended up in Staunton.
http://www.visitstaunton.com/history.htm

We think we would lie to go back and explore this town…my love for history just makes me want to soak up all I can. We stopped in Verona to eat at a Mexican Restaurant. It sure was a clean and wonderful place to have a cozy meal. By 7 we were back at the home to see mom. She was sleeping soundly and I could not rouse her so I simply sat and prayed. As I kissed her and turned off the light she did awaken a bit and I told her I had written a note to her and she could see it in the morning.

I think it is fair to say I am mad at her but at the same time I understand. Part of this is selfish on my part. I do not want to lose my last parent now. Dad is only gone 6 months.
I feel so alone here. It is a hard thing to know you are the only child and you will bear this grief alone. John sure is here for me and he has been a real support to me. I long for friends and family to be here but I do not expect that at all. I dream of a cup of coffee or meal with a friend… anything to break the pain. Maybe that is not realistic.

I had a fair night of sleep but was aware all night this may not end up as I had hoped.
I wrestled with my emotions all night and know I can only do one day at a time. I know the Lord is with me through this. I understand that there are some issues I am dealing with.

***A huge life change this year. Dad died, John was given his pink slip, a move and now this. I feel like a person with “no place to call home.” This I do know…that where John is and I am than that is home. Stuff, belongings and a building do not make a home. I believe love does and so I can say that this extended care hotel is home.
Some have suggested because of all this maybe we are not in God’s will. Believe me we have prayed about this. Had John gotten a job and just started we may be faced with a harder situation. I take each step at a time. I try to learn from each step and pray I can bless someone now. I ask God what we need to do now. Often these days all I know is “Wait and rest in me” comes back to me when I speak to my Heavenly Father.

Yes, we have been without a job before…we have been without a home before but we have always waited and tried to hear from God. Could we have missed the mark? I am sure we could have but than when I take a piece of paper and make a test tube shape and fill in the timeline of the last 5 years I see God. Try it with your life. I do see weak areas and times I know my faith seemed iffy but fr the most I see lots of adventure.

I know that God knew it was time to take dad home to him. I know that did put me in a tailspin. But I also know God understand that. I was not always there for John and things happened. That is life!

John is at a crossroad. He longs to do more that maintenance. He is struggling knowing he can do much more. But what and how you change careers at 45 escapes him. The best I can do for him is to love him, support him and pray for the break he so longs for. I pray for a mentor to come to him that can help him now….

I have rambled far too long here.

PRAYER:
***Mom is at peace.
***Monday at 1:30 helps John and I see the whole picture.
***I accept what is to be.
***John finds someone to help him.
***We work as a team in all we do.

THANKS to Uncle Ben and Dia for giving me love and support when I needed that!

Gratitude Journal

I am thankful for:
Life
My second hot cup of coffee.
Friends and familt
My Anabaptist heritage.
************************
Several things have happened to me since dad’s death that have been exciting and in a sense I have been on a treasure hunt so to speak. Reading dad’s notes he saved when he gave talks at Mennonite Churches over the years really started this. I saw my dad stayed true to his Anabaptist beliefs but was also progressive at times. I decided it was time to really search the net for articles and chat with people about the Mennonites and Amish. I have been out of the Mennonite Community for well over 40 years. I love history and so decided to dig in so to speak. I will not get deep in this all but I will say I found out that my childhood and teens years did shape in me a strong core of beliefs.

I learned so much from my 3 Aunties as we called them, Fannie, Elizabeth and Emily.
They raised my dad and his brother. Going to their home was the same as going to Grandma’s house. They loved God above all and taught me to love my church. From
Aunt Emily I learned not to judge people.

Dad was a great example of both servant hood to all people and a great example that a daily walk with God meant time spent in the Bible first and the words of any author second. He would read a book and take out truths when they lined up with God’s Word.
He knew the Word and so he was never a man that neither was confused nor wish washy. He lived a balanced life. We worked with folks in Harrisburg, Pa. in Hamilton Street Mennonite Church, he worked MDS, and he shared what we had with those with less.
After my marriage he and mom went to Honduras and he treasured each minute of that service to the Mennonite Church. He than came back to the states and gave years to Lakewood Retreat…a Mennonite camp above Tampa. He believed in family camping as well as kids going to camp. He also has been active in Camp Hebron in Pa.

All involved taught me that peacemaking is a key to life…. we must ”live peaceable with all men”. My world has always been global for missionaries that served and came home for a time were always welcome at our house. I loved to hear them share! Mt grandma Shearer had a love for missionaries and read many a book to me about them. She sewed for the Children of missionaries and wrote letters to them. As a child I was a part of this process and I loved it. We rolled bandages for the lepers in Africa, made MCC bundles for various areas. This to me was so exciting!

Now here in Virginia I have found a treasure trove of history of the Anabaptists. There is a bookstore here called “Book Savers”. The books are cheap and I have found a treasure trove! I loved Christmas Carol Kauffman as a child and went to see if any were there. The only one was one I have never read called, “Dannie of Cedar Cliffs.”. It is the story of Dannie Roth and wow….am I learning! I am reading “Readings from Mennonite Writings New and Old” By J. Craig Haas. I think one written in 1524 is the oldest I have read so far. (Conrad Grebel). It is designed to read one a day for the year but I am reading and researching much more than that. (Bt the way it cost me 1.00)

I have read the story called “Honey Bread and Milk” by Joyce Gingerich “This account of Amos Gingerich and Nannie Yoder Gingerich gives an intimate glimpse into the lives of a family that followed God call during the rapid change in Mennonite and Amish communities.”—Franklin L. Yoder,
Adjunct Professor of History, University of Iowa.

On my stack is one called “Stories our Mothers Told” by Herb Swartz. It says it is about the “son on a immigrant mother, and the daughter of a missionary mother….I have the book called “Tobias of the Amish” by Ervin R. Stutzman.

I just finished “Quiet Shouts” By Louise Stoltzfus. “Stories of Lancaster Mennonite Women Leaders” I love that I knew 3 in the book. I read “ Eyes at the Window” By Evie Yoder Miller. It is based on fact but is a novel. The history in it was great and I looked a lot up.

I read “Valley of my Heart, A devastating war, a peaceful people and one family’s quest for truth” The notes and the Bibliography are a roadmap of books I am looking for.
I will close for now but I feel I am on a journey and I really am excited about this. I may be 60 but I love to learn and see I am drawn back to my roots! God is good

It is Lewy Body Dementia

Like I said that was not written in stone…that was ruled out but by doing so and some others input we do have a name for what is wrong with mom. I am thankful it was not what they said but in reality this is not much better…

Lewy Body Dementia
http://www.lbda.org/index.cfm

As we went over point by point here at the hotel in preparation for the time with the doctor today John and I saw a lot we had said “that is depression” or “that is just mom”.
But it was not either. Make no mistake…she is deeply depressed. They went as high as they could with an 86 year old to see if that touched the depression…it did not. That took him on a search for the cause. She is grieving and that is evident but the trained grief counselors said there was more that grief. She is not making progress with the therapy. And is barely able to take a few steps. So on Monday at 1:30 we will meet with all that are working with her. We will have to try to figure out what is best for her.

It is evident John and I will have to make a move to Virginia. The blow of another long move would be too much for her. But they all feel she has given up. Can we keep her with us. We hope so but if she cannot walk than that adds a problem. Also this type of dementia may be too hard for me to handle. She is moderate in the Dementia. We have to find a house. We have to find care. We have to have a job to do those things. So much is ahead of us and tonight I am tempted to throw in the towel. But you all know me and know I will not be doing this at all. I am worn out and weary.

My cousin Don has a son that has studied this and written papers. My plan is to contact him for some guidance as to the progression and hard facts. I feel God has given us a wonderful resource in Matthew. I read about him tonight and Don, I must say he is indeed a chip off the old block! You and Liz have done a great job.

Another thing I have to consider is John’s sleeping disorder and the need to have those hours every night. Can we do this?

I am kind of rambling here I know but I am honestly writing as I conside these things. This weekend we will chat about these things and seek the guidance from the Heavenly Father. I ask each of you to pray for us. Than I guess D-Day will be Monday in some ways.

I ask you all to give us advice if God leads you to. We want to know what friends and family see and what they suggest. John and I appreciate counsel. We will listen and do what seems the right thing.

Having taken care of a MIL with the “Big A” I know what a hard job it is. I did it than with no real knowledge of what was ahead and took it as it came. Now I know and there is dread in my heart. I feel guilty about that.

Her protein is still very low and she is not eating nor drinking. Her living will says no tube feeding and no IV’s to keep her alive. So that is an issue to deal with to… as well as another transfusion…. Dear me, there are a lot of decisions.
Maybe tomorrow I can think through all this better….

PRAY:
***For mom as we tried to kindly tell her some of the issues.
***For clear direction of what to do.
***For our minds to be open to what they tell us Monday.
***A job and home. This hotel is getting old and I need my stuff....

Praise for a kind doctor that loves the elderly. That has a mom with Lewy Body Dementia and so he is well aware of what I am up against.

THIS IS WHERE WE SEEM TO BE HEADING

This is not written in stone......This is an overview of what has happened and what we see.

Since the surgery she has displayed quite a few things that did not make sense. It was agreed by the hospital doctors and now at Oak Lea that she is depressed. She was on Zoloft when she came....put on by her doctor in Sarasota. It was a standred beginning dose. She took it sometimes but mom never takes meds because that means she has to drink water and that "just makes her weary" Because of that she has again a serious UTI.Her protein level is as low as "an African child that is mal nourished" the doctor told us and her iron 1 point from a transfussion (ashe had one). But she will not eat. They gave her protien drink but she hates them and says they are finished but there is 1/2 or 2/3 full.She seems to forget to eat. She talks to people that are not there. She was super anxious and so they put her on .5MG Lorazepam 2 x's a day. That took off the edge but....Than she had muscle spasms and it was on the side of the surgery and so they put her on Baclofen 3X's a day....(10 MG). Than because she is not eating the meds make her sick so they have her on Promrthazine every 4 hours (12.5MG). Than she is on iron, BP meds, Acetaminophen as needed, Oyst-Cal 500+ D. Her results for this last urine test say"Risk of Chronic Kidney Disease" . The doctor says because we cannot get her to drink. Dad was the one that stayed after her about drinking and after he was gone I would ask her in our daily chats and some days she had 1 cup of coffee and that was it and so I would fuss. She quit eating unless she went out. She did not clean or care for herself and seldom went to church. I knew she was forgetting things and was scared to drive ect but figured it was depression.

She has had mood swings,Jerky movements which have gotten worse and on both sides.Her legs jerk in her sleep and when she is awake and she cannot stop them. Incontinence is now all the time but for over a year it has been bad.....to the point you smelled it. Her swallowing is hard and they have her in speech therapy. She cannot finish sentences at times when with them and often wth me. When she does talk at times it is much slower. Her hands tremble when she writes and uses it much.
I blamed some of this on too many meds and asked for a conference. He took 45 minutes with me and said she is not thriving at all. John and I felt there was some dementia. Because of keeping John's mom we are aware of dementia.... ...But today her threw m a curve......Creutzfe ldt-Jakob Disease.
http://www.cjdfound ation.org/ pdfs/aboutcjd. pdf
His mother has it and it took a long time to get to the fact that is what it this. He feels and knows it is a dementia. So they brought mom back from therapy and she said what were we talking about.....he told her she and I need to talk. The therapist said mom took a few steps with the walker but was confused. She was totally incontient and that interferred with working. She is in depends all the time but shegets anxious about what happened. So they are going to do some kind of new therapy for that. He does not expect it to work but knows what Medicare asks for. For her appetite she is being put on a form of marijuana in pill form to see if that helps....now laugh...a mennonite lady on this....John and I sure got a chuckle out of it.

Time will tell but is there anything I need to ask or suggest?

Oh, mom said, tell me what you talked about...I know....I have dementia and have had it for over a year. I do dumb things....and that was all she wanted to say. I told her yes, we think maybe she has a form. She said sell my car......or you drive it. More than not she thinks we can go to LaGrange and get her stuff and bring it back.....
Ok ,I rambled enough...I am at a loss and any suggestions you have send them to me.I am taking tody off....he says he can see the stain on me and says 3 times a day to be there are just too much......I know he is right.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL FOR TODAY

I am thankful for:

The sun is shinning

Sparky, (our Jack Russell). He knew I was upset last night and just stayed on my laap for the longest
time.

Inner Strength
*********************************************
I read Psalm 73:26 this morning.
“My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.”

I like how the Amplified Bible says it:
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever. (AMP)

I like that “but God is the Rock and firm strength of my heart.” That word firm makes it so strong

When we were on the west coast and John and I were first married we lived in the Cannon Beach, Oregon
area. I loved the Ecola State Park.
http://www.cannon-beach.net/recreation/cbecola.html

One of the times we went there with Ryan was just at the time the tides were out. So we went ay down the beach.
Ryan wanted to climb one of the huge rocks and I said why not? So he and I climbed up one of the rocks by
Haystack Rock. Now this is a funny feeling to do. If you look at the rock and climb up you are fine. But I will
never forget looking down and it seemed like I was on shifting sand and so was the rock. The waves made it feel that way.
But when we got to the top and you sat there and looked at the vastness of the ocean and the sky above I felt
the firm foundation of that rock. I remember Ryan, at the age of almost 4 lifted his arms up and yelled, “Praise
God!” That was not his usual outburst but I understand what made him do it. I made my way down with
John’s help but Ryan wanted to stay there. John got the best picture of him way up there. Maybe when I am home (wherever
that is), I will post that picture.

That was the time I felt a firm foundation…..I sure did not feel it when we were in Astoria and climbed the Astoria Column.
http://www.astoria-usa.com/astoria_column.shtml

I hated that climb and felt so unsafe even though I knew the foundation was strong by the looks of it. As I thought just now of
The 2 places I see I am so much more alive and trusting in nature. Somehow because God planted that rock I knew I was safe.
But that column to me seemed so shaky. God is my rock! He is an awesome rock and like Haystack Rock and the smaller ones,
He is the STRONG FIRM strength in my wilderness right now. I do feel like I am in a wilderness…a “no man’s land” so to speak.
As I look back over the last months I see how hard it has been….Dad died in August, John lost his job, no one seems to be
Hiring…how will we make it?….401k is gone…..now this….it seems like my heart is faint. I wonder how I am to go on,
how can I deal with the dark nights I so feel.
I have cried from my inner most being, wondering why God, why now, why must I feel so alone, I hate being alone.
I am an only child and too often felt the pangs of loneliness. I wanted a sibling to laugh with, play with and
share a bedroom with. I do not like being alone. But than I read this verse and see God is my Rock, My firm
foundation, My strength, my fortress. He is unmovable, the anchor of my soul, and my comforter. He Is! Remember
He said it best: I am that I am”.

I can and will get through this too!

There is a song my day loved….I see him singing it with the conviction his anchor holds because God is his anchor! His faith was
so strong….Will you sing this hymn with me. One side note…you need to hear this in 4 part harmony with no piano or organ, as the
Mennonites used to do it! How beautiful it was!

MY ANCHOR HOLDS
http://www.hymntime.com/tch/htm/m/y/myanchor.htm

Though the angry surges roll
On my tempest driven soul,
I am peaceful, for I know,
Wildly though the winds may blow,
I’ve an anchor safe and sure,
That can evermore endure.

Refrain

And it holds, my anchor holds:
Blow your wildest, then, O gale,
On my bark so small and frail;
By His grace I shall not fail,
For my anchor holds, my anchor holds.

Mighty tides about me sweep,
Perils lurk within the deep,
Angry clouds o’ershade the sky,
And the tempest rises high;
Still I stand the tempest’s shock,
For my anchor grips the rock.

Refrain

I can feel the anchor fast
As I meet each sudden blast,
And the cable, though unseen,
Bears the heavy strain between;
Through the storm I safely ride,
Till the turning of the tide.

Refrain

Troubles almost ’whelm the soul;
Griefs like billows o’er me roll;
Tempters seek to lure astray;
Storms obscure the light of day:
But in Christ I can be bold,
I’ve an anchor that shall hold.

Refrain

I almost lost my cool today!

I hate this picture but had to put it here because I am upset that this is all she does except for an hour in the morning. She did not even flinch when I took this flash picture. She mumbles some of the time....talking to dad, her mother and whoever else she remembers.

I asked for her meds last night and was ignored....as long as I wanted her test results which they told me they could not find. I called this AM and asked for them and they said they would write them down but when I went in there was none. So I asked again and they said they would. As I left several hours later I asked and they did not do it. I called the social worker and asked er to get them for me and why. She hesitated and than said she would. I asked if they would please have it in moms room in an envelope with my name on it. It was not there tonight. I than asked the nurse again and she said she would get it but an hour later she ignored me.

What do I do? I am even tempered but I am about to pop!

We went in again tonight and she was sleeping with her cottage cheese and peaches in front of her. I had to call her several times to get her to open her eyes.

I got her to eat the chocolate pudding but she would not touch the protein shake. I am worried.

She went to sleep again and John woke her up. Than she wanted Sparky so we brought him in and he laid with her and slept and so did she. I woke her up again and prayed with her and kissed her goodnight.....it hurts so bad! Does she not look over medicated? They say no.

Crystal, this is for you!

Mom made them take off the spread and has to have the blanket on that you gave her. She takes it to therapy too and tells everyone it is from her oldest grand-daughter. She said she was smiling from ear to ear but the smile never came today.

She sends you all her love.

Sunday and Monday

Sunday was a very hard day for mom. They started her on Cipro for the UTI
and she had stomach troubles almost right away. They gave her that with 16
other pills at one time. I told her I would be throwing up too! Than they added
phenergan so she was mostly out of it. Again she wanted to die and it broke my heart
I saw failure to thrive in front of me. Our elderely deserve so much more!

I am very concerned by all these pills.
How can one tell if she is slipping mentally or is it the meds…..I asked for a
List of what she is taking and so far they have not done so. I feel today is D-day
for that.

The reason is yesterday I called in because we were having snow. How I
loved that! She said they had added another pill but she did not know why
and said it had something to do about her nose. I headed right in and they
said she was bringing up phlegm and so started her on Flonase. I know that is good
but she never had a problem and I think one more med is just too much.

Mom was better yesterday afternoon but for some reason they have a speech therapist
Coming in….why? She wants mom to journal. Now that would be fine too but she does
Not remember what happened 5 minutes before. Her writing is awful and she is shaking.
I am having a problem with this…..to me it seems they are trying to get all they can for
Medicare..

She took some steps with the walker in therapy and they were pleased. But as soon as
She gets back she is taking pills and than cannot stay awake long. Last night she was
exhausted and so when she closed her eyes she would talk to dad or about the farm.
At one point she wanted Donna Jean (me and what she called me as a child) to stop
Daddy from making popcorn because she just does not want it…. so I tell her to open
Her eyes and she seems to slowly come back to the now. I chatted with her nurse and shed for
The protein and iron levels and she could not find them. That upset me but I stayed cool.
I want to get all of these things and post them in hopes someone can tell me if any interact.
The nurse asked me if she had peanut butter in her room and I said yes and so I was asked
To go and get in out because of the scare with peanut butter.. I did and mom was watching “South Park”. I
Said “Mom I thought you wanted CNN’, she looked at me and said, “this is and it is a new show.”
I took the channel changer and put it on CNN and she was pleased. I kissed her good night again
And said a prayer.

PRAYER:
***The nurses will give me the list of meds. I really need to see what it all is.
***She will eat…she still is just eating a few bites.
***Therapy will move forward.
***She will regain strength. She still is so weak.

PRAISES:
***I saw snow!
***I saw some fire in mom’s eyes when she was mad at the speech therapist. That is fight I saw.
***Prayers of all our loved ones and friends.***Cards that cheer her up so much. Keep them coming.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL for Sunday

I am thankful for:

Doctors, surgeons, nurses and all the ones that work to care for the sick.

Music, how it soothes the soul and opens our minds.

The arts…poets, composers, artists, authors for without these folks we would be dull.

History
*************************************
I love history and always have. It began as a child when I heard my great Aunts, the
Aunties talk about where we came from and all those folks we were related to and how.
First cousins, aunt and Uncles I understood but this business of cousins twice removed
Make me scratch my head! I loved to go to the Witness Tree in Donegal Township
Close to Mount Joy. I could close my eyes and see what happened there. I was awed
At the Capitol and White House. And cried the first time I saw the Lincoln Memorial.
When we went to Boston the “old North Church” and the poem “Paul Revere’s Ride
Became so alive to me. I love that poem! I have read more about history than most
People I guess and some evenings I spent just going to a site of a country and read
their history. I have read the Mennonite History from men long gone and from new authors
like Donald Kraybill and Louise Stoltzfus who wrote a book about Amish women.

I remember the struggle of the black Americans. We went to Hamilton Street in Harrisburg,
Pa. in the middle of the time of riots and hate. I saw hate in faces on the streets and I could
Not understand at all. I was brought up with the belief that none of us our better that another
And the color of our skin was not a factor. I saw my mom and dad visit many a person in
The projects of Harrisburg and often I stayed with a wonderful African American woman
That opened my eyes to Mahalia Jackson and Ethel Walters on her old record player.
She told me stories about slaves and the Underground Railroad that had been passed down
to her. I was young but I really heard her and took the feelings of her and her family to heart.
I knew that much change would have to come to our country for we all are created equal. My dad
Was a wonderful example of this to me…he brought many a young person from Harrisburg to
our home and farm. Elizabethtown at that time was void of African Americans (many stories
went around as to why and I still am not sure). Dad was asked questions but he stayed firm all
were welcome at our home.

I did a school paper on James Meridith, on the book “Uncle Tom’s Cabin, One on Harriet
Tubman, George Washington Carver, and memorized the poem “The Creation” by
James Weldon Johnson and read anything I could find about Lincoln. Little did I know
I would move to Florida and see for myself what segregation was all about. I cried
When a boy from the youth group told me a Black was not a human at all. Than a year
After that he had to come and tell me that in college after an African American saved his life,
That he saw what I said was true. They are indeed human.

I still have a want to read about recent African American’s. Martin Luther King is a man I
Really respect and living in Atlanta for several years I really became aware of what all he really
did for all people. I love to read Maya Angelou and listen to her. My favorite artist is Robert Butler,and
I learned so much from him on the race issue. He does not meet prejudice because he does not
Accept it. I had to really listen to him to learn that my prejudice against those who are prejudice
Is indeed prejudice in itself. Think about that. He helped me see I can never change a persons mind if I
Meet him in the frame of mind I had…no patience for those that form opinions on the color of skin.

I am excited about the election of the first African American. I have watched this election with great
Respect for our President Elect. I may not agree with him on some important issues but I respect him
as a man. I see history in the making. So this is about a change and not politics. I hurt when I see folks
not even giving him a chance or not teaching their children they are living in a America that the slaves and
many after him never thought would come. From the time many were not allowed in a certain college or sit
on a seat in the bus, or enter through a front door of a home of a white person, or vote,or not able eat in a dinning
room or use a restroom or drink from a fountain labeled “White”. This is about the change in many a heart tin the US.
It is about pastors opening the doors to all races, it is about folks in the South allowing a person
Of color walk into their front doors knowing the KKK may burn a cross in their yard. That took character and strong
belief that all of us are indeed created equal. I know people who took these chances and changed their
corner of the world. I respect these folks. I love these folks and am glad to call many of them my friends.

May I challenge many of you to put aside who you voted for and embrace the history that is being made. Some say our
President Elect is an Idol of sorts but I say to you all that many of us do not view him like that…we look into the pages
Of history in America and we say “Thank you God for answering our prayers. We see a positive step in the accepting of’
all people and we thank you for working in the hearts of all the people that had deep prejudice and helping them see you indeed made all of us equal.”

My prayer is that we see America keep on accepting all people not looking at the color of people’s skin but
Rejoicing that our Heaven Father made us all. So I will celebrate the history of this election and the 2009 Inauguration
of this President and what it means to our country and the world. But know I will always pray for Him as the Bible tells us to.
Nowhere does it tell us to pray only for whom we voted for but for the leaders of our land. I will pray for his
Safety for I know there are those out there that did not want to see this change and are full of hate. I will pray forThem too because with hate in our heart we cannot be joyful as the Lord directs us to be. I am filled with Joy!

PS from today

The nurse called me this evening to tell me mom has a pretty bad ITU and so they have to start
a antibiotic for 10 days.....poor lady she is taking 12 kinds now.....

I called her to make sure she knew they were adding pills and she cried. They had not told her what they had just brought to her. She said she was so exhausted and tired she hoped no more company came. I said a prayer with her and will see her around noon.

JUST GOT BACK FROM MOM...

I did not get to spend the day here today as I had hoped.
The nurses called saying mom was being difficult and could I come.
I waited a bit and called mom who was crying saying they did not like her
And she wanted out. I told her John was getting dressed and we would come
And see her if she calmed down. She said she would. So we headed that way.
It was so cold and the car did not seem to warm up at all and soon got hot.
We had added anti freeze but John was a bit concerned. After 2 stops we
made it to the home. They stopped me asking where I was going and I told
them and was allowed to go….the other wing is having a stomach virus &
visitors are asked to not visit. After I hit her hall I heard her crying. She really
cried when she saw me. She wanted Daddy and said it was unfair God had taken him.
What do you say to that? I brought the picture of Zoe to the bed and she did manage
A smile. Than I showed her the picture of her and dad and she held it. We have
It framed. Uncle Harold sent it and it is the rose they took for Dad at All Saints Day
And a picture of her and dad in the background.

Than a spasm hit her hard. I lightly rubbed it and than told her I needed to see
Her nurse. She told me they all hate her today. I liked her nurse who was filling
in for the day. She got moms chart and we went over it. She asked me a few questions
about mom and when she realized dad died in August she said it all made sense to
her. Mom had told her dad was gone a long time. I think to her laying there it seems
like a long time. She gave her 2 pain pills and an anti-anxiety one and I finally got her
to drink a protein shake. That was the first she ate all day. Than I gave her a handful of
chocolate covered raisins and she asked for more. The mail cake and a CD from
Lorraine Murphy. I asked for a CD player and as soon as that was on she
Relaxed. In the fog she said “Arthur, hear how that angel Lorraine sings? To think
She picked asparagus for us ……” I held her hand. Than asked her to look at me.
She did and we opened the pictures from Uncle Harold’s…that was a good 10
minutes as we looked at them and remembered. A friend from Florida called (Lucille
Allen that was from Harrisonburg and if I remember right the farm that was their families land
this retirement community is on) She talked a bit and than cried and had to hang up. More music
and she settled down. By that time the pills were kicking in. John came in and she wanted
a hug and kiss and than asked me to bring the CD to the hotel because she did not want it taken.
But I had to promise to take it back.

The car is Ok since we added more antifreeze. I had cheese, summer bologna on crackers
Thanks to Donna Conner who sent us a wonderful box from Hickory Farms. John called
It a special survival box and it is! Thanks. These things brighten our stay here and since we
Have to be hear a month more it is special.

I plan to stitch and relax the rest of the day.

Pray:
***these muscle spasms lessen.
***she will relax and rest
*** she will feel the love we all give her. I know we are not Dad….but we try.

PRAISE:
*** for the special CD Lorraine sent…it is funny to be away from all of our CD’s.
*** the pictures that brightened her day. I will find a scrapbook this week to put hem in.***Time with John and Sparky for me.

Friday's Update...such a roller coaster!

Life is a roller coaster….at least mom’s recovery is.

When I went in at lunch yesterday she was in a fog and I soon saw it was the pain.
But she would focus long enough to tell me what was giving her such a fit. So I
Sat and watched. She yelped and I saw the foot draw towards her and I knew
From experience just what was happening…. muscle spasms. I had an awful time
with them after my knee replacement. Before I could do anything she had rung the
nurses bell. I turned it off and went and ask them to come back and when did they
last give her a pain pill. They said 8AM and she was due one. Every 4-5 minutes
she had a spasm and I could see them. After 30 minutes and no help I went to the
nurses desk again. She was talking ugly and that is hard for me to handle. She told me
something snapped so just let her die among a lot worse…they told me go get the
physical therapist. All the while the doctor was sitting there. The therapist said she
would be there in a minute and did the nurse know I came to her. I told her she told
me to. About 20 minutes later she came and told mom if you say something popped
we will have to transport you for tests. That made mom mad. I told the lady that
this was every 4-5 minutes so she stayed and sure enough one hit again. She said
they were severe and she would tell the doctor…about time. So we waited. She wanted
to get out of there and was in such awful pain. Thirty minutes passed and the doctor finally
came. She was in the middle of a severe one and he went from “now what” to real
concern. He tried to massage but that was way to painful. He had heat brought in
but she yelped so bad he had them take it away. We talked about muscle relaxers
and he said they hate to use them with elderly folks because they get confused and can fall.
I asked if a low dose help. He said he had to use them. So he had 2 pain pills brought,
One for anxiety and ordered a muscle relaxer as soon as they could get it. Than the social
Worker called for me. She said mom wanted to go to assisted living because her friends were
Telling her there were rooms available. Did I know she could not afford it. I told her I sure did
Because $3000.00 a month were out of the question for mom. She than gave an application
for the government run part but said there is a 1-2 year waiting list. I could write a
book about institutions and especially church based ones not making it impossible for a
parent of our having to pay an arm and leg to stay there. Remember I kept my MIL (nana)
and Uncle Joe her brother and we gave the excellent care and it did not take this awful
amount of money. Folks we have to find a way to care for our parents!

When I got back to the room Mom’s good friend Mary Zook was there. She looked at me
So intently (the nurse in her comes out) and said you are exhausted to which I replied I
Felt I could hardly walk. She told me to take a dau off. Mom roused and said “No”. If she
Is not her they don’t pay attention to me. Mary walked me out and said please stay out of here
A day. I will see. I am fighting an awful chest cold.

I came back to the room and hit the bed after taking some more HBP Coricdin. After
A pizza I took a hot bath of Epson salts and they just read. This morning I do feel a bit better.

Today is a new day and I will rejoice in it! The weather is cold…..it was 4 (wind chill was –6)
when we went to bed. But it is clear and we may take a drive this afternoon….over the
mountain to Franklin, WV. It is a beautiful drive up the mountain.

Pray:
***The muscle spasms stop and she can return to therapy. (He said none until he could see her
Monday at noon)
*** She may learn to relax and not be so hateful with her words.
***Healing of the bones
***She can take the Fosmax they started her on today.

PRAISES:
***Friends and family to pray for us.
***The ability to work with my hands. I would go nuts if I could not stitch.
***John
***The love for us by our 3 kids. I just love my Crystal, Nicole and Ryan, their
partners Robert, Doug and Amanda and my precious Skyler, Adam, Will and Zoe!
Thanks kids for your love.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Cold crisp air
A wonderful quiet extended Suites (Candlewood Suites)
A loving husband who keeps me going and cooks the meals so I am free to be with mom.
The Everlasting arms of God!
*****************
“The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms” (Deut. 33:27).

This morning I read this verse and saw that no matter how overwhelmed I am He is there to catch me.

I looked up the Hebrew meaning and found this: the idea of beaten down, the bottom.
It is the uttermost limit and “underneath” everything. I also saw this: The “eternal God” is the Timeless One.
He is beyond our agendas, calendars, and plans for the future.
By the way I use the free e-Sword program to study on the computer.
http://www.e-sword.net/

Wow, I thought….I know he is timeless but he is beyond my plans and agendas. I think we like to be in charge of these areas. We read self-help books, take tests for what our career should be, and make careful plans for our future. I think all these are good but it is also a good reminder when we fail or feel helpless He is there.

A few days ago I wrote this: I have never been deeper in despair than I am right now, dad’s death, John’s loss of a job, no jobs to be found, Than this all.. Now I see again God is underneath me to catch me. He is even lower than that,
“are the everlasting arms of the eternal God.” When you feel beaten down to the bottom, He is still there. I wrote this
verse on a scrap of paper, cut it out and taped it on the front of my wallet. I want to see this a lot!

The “everlasting arms of God” are just that….always there for us…sometimes we say” when you are at the end of your
Rope, tie a knot and hang on” I like this picture better….when you are at the end of your rope let go and fall into
the everlasting arms of God. Now what is safer than that? It is a picture of a child in their daddy’s arms.

I also found this at this site:
http://www.searchgodsword.org/se/sj/view.cgi?sermon=B397

"The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are everlasting arms" (Deut.33:27). An eagle is teaching its young how to fly. The ceremony begins with the destruction of the nest. The old eagle tears it up and throws the pieces over the cliff. Then she takes the little eaglet on her broad back and, circling, carries him high into the sun. She tilts her wings and slides him off into space. Fluttering, screeching, screaming, he drifts down. The old eagle circles around him. Long before he reaches the sharp crags and rocks below, she glides under him and catches him on her broad wings. Two or three times she repeats this as if to say, "See, you cannot fall, for underneath are my everlasting wings." We change the picture only slightly and make it say, "Underneath are the everlasting arms of God, our Father." There are times in life when life is too much for us, and we cannot keep our spirits up, and we are wounded and sick of heart. And we need desperately to experience the loving embrace of the everlasting arms of God. --Angell, C.R., "Iron Shoes" Best Sermons 1947 (Adapted).

Have a great day and remember the Arms of our Heavenly Father are there to catch you!

SHE IS HEALING SLOWLY

Mom asked me to take this picture...Nicole she tells everyone Zoe gave her this set and she loves it. She wanted to wear it all day at the home but I told her we needed to take it off. The smile she says is for you, Doug and Zoe.

This is a 2-day update again. Yesterday I was upset and worn out I simply could not write.

Mom was so tired yesterday she could not hold her head up. She did not eat nor drink her
Protein shakes. No matter what I tried she would not even try to eat. The think she may have a UTI
And so were ‘going to get around to taking urine”. I informed them they needed to do it now as
mom can have a hard time with infections. I think these folks are not used to having a daughter there
most of the day. So many seem to get no visits. I asked if they would please measure her
intake and output but they would not agree to that at all. So I will have to be there at meals and see
and keep asking. In her defense I would not eat most of what they bring. Yesterday it was a slice of ham that
was dried out, a heap of thickened squash, plain noodles, and room temp ice tea and juice.
She ate a bite of each of them and quit and would not drink the protein shake either. They picked up
The tray and told her she did good….Mom looked at me and told me see, I don’t have to eat. I was not
A happy camper.

Last night she ate 3 bites of a chicken salad sandwich, ¼ of a red beet egg and that was it and again she refused to
Drink the shake. She could not stay awake and talked out of her head as soon as she closed her eyes. I tucked
Her in and came home very sad.

This morning we were at the surgeon’s office at 9AM. No mom. I finally went in and asked and they said they
were running an hour late. The office was not very happy about it. So we had to be worked in when she did come.
She was brighter this morning at first but than faded fast. The “shattered” hip as he put it is healing slowly but he
Is pleased. The problem is with the muscle. He had to cut across several to set the one pin and so the pain and
Twitching comes from that. He took her off the muscle relaxers for 2 reasons. He said she will be sure to fall again
with the side effects of those at her age and secondly he wants the muscles to relax on their own. She can have an
extra pain pill when she will be in bed for 4 hours. But when he told he we could not move her for 4 weeks she cried like
a baby. She wants out of that place. She does not want to do therapy and she wanted to go and be with dad. He is a
young and compassionate man and just held her for a minute and patted her. That quieted her down. But she did not
know if she would try. That she told him she wants to stay in Virginia and we want to go back home and take her
and she asked him if he had work and an apartment or house for us. They she cried all over…..what pressure
on John on myself…..we are a bit stressed about this. What do we do? Where do we begin? Please pray
for us. I am stressed for John.

I brought John back to the hotel and went to help her settle back in. The nurse thought maybe I would have
Taken a day off….no way. She got lunch and it was spaghetti with just a bit of sauce mixed in, corn, oatmeal bread
With garlic spread on it and peach something….again she would not eat. I went for the other nurse and she came back
In and listened to what I was concerned about and she said it was right. I am the only advocate for my mom. She told her
She must take the shakes and got her a strawberry one and we coaxed her to drink it. I sat with her 2 hours and she
Begged me to stay in Virginia. I came home and crashed. John took me for a “between” meal at Golden Corral and
It was the first really good meal we ate out.

At 5 I headed back and her surgeon called….he asked me to go to the store and suggested several things. He said he
Was very concerned she will not heal if she keeps this up. I am to sneak a picture of a meal and send it to him. He says
He is trying to come up with a program for rehabs to use in food for patients as old as mom that will help them heal. Amen
To that! So I got her chocolate covered raisins with dark chocolate like he suggested, rice cakes (small ones), a bit of
Fresh fruit, tapioca pudding in single servings and Andes mints. He says the sweets may kick her into an appetite.
I asked her what peanut butter she wanted and told her he suggested when she did not like a meat that she ask for a good
Wheat bread and spread peanut butter on it and add some chocolate covered raisins on it or slices of banana. She
Wants Jiffy and was excited about that. She ate one small handful of chocolate covered raisins and asked for more.
She had several rice cakes with apple cinnamon and had a mint. The nurse I love came in and was so proud of her!
So they both had a mint…she said I hit the nail on the head and I told her the surgeon called me this evening and
Suggested these things when I told him what mom does like. Tomorrow he is calling the dietician and asking her to
See mom. They had promise 3 days ago to do that. Supper was nasty and so I went to Park Gables and bought
loaded potato soup that they were served tonight and mom was happy and ate it all. She was wore out when I left.
She dreads tomorrow because the hip therapy begins 3 times a day. She is not happy about that at all. He is also
Calling them tomorrow.

Today was basically a good day with her. We got a big cut in the rate for a month more and so this will be home. I
Miss home and the kids….I am so alone her. So I am having a hard time with this but she made me promise we will
Not leave her here alone. That we did promise. She did suggest we may want to come to Pa. for 2 days while we are this
Close. I think we would like to do that. I long to do that.

Prayer:
***Mom will adjust to working more with therapy. This afternoon the nurse told me she told them what was wrong with
Them to make an almost 87-year-old woman do anything she did not want to do. They left her in bed. That will not work!

***She will eat better because she cannot heal unless her protein and iron levels go up.

***She will be willing to do what is best for all of us.

***That I may not stress. John needs to work and all this time scares me.

***That we will be on top of what she needs and help her get it.

***Contentment for all of us.

PRAISE:

She is healing and we are spending more time together now than we ever have.
She has told me she loves me and for many years I did not hear that from her….just dad. I rejoiceThat I hear these precious words.

A Better Update

Thanks for all the prayers. You know prayer changes things.

This morning John and I ran errands and got some things set up.
Than I stayed with mom and John returned to our room. She had been
Exhausted and so was very confused this afternoon. I noticed it was only
When she closed her eyes. When she asked for dad I told her to open her eyes and look at me,
When she did she seemed to come back to what was real. This happened about 7 times
In the hour but finally she fell into a more relaxed sleep.

This evening she was alert when we got there. She had company and so was very stimulated.
Nicole called me and I handed the phone to mom and it was a good talk and she was clear.
But when she closed her eyes she knew Zoe was in the hall and wanted me to get her. Than Aunt Rachel
Called and she again became alert and chatted. But said that had exhausted her. So we sat and she
Went in and out. At one point they were playing Rook in the hall and daddy was being too loud. So I had her
Open her eyes and she focused a bit but not the whole way….I decided it was time to tuck her in and checked
Her leg and again the nurses had not put the thing between her knees to keep the one “fixed” to keep from
Turning in. The therapists and doctor are most anxious for the Thursday morning appointment with the surgeon.
They feel the pins may not be holding. They also told me the bone was shattered not fractured. I hope that is not the case. The therapist told me to have the nurses
Put the thing where it needs to go so that they get used to doing it. So I went and talked with them. She is to get
A protein shake before bed and they had forgotten that too. So I asked them to please go and get her one.
I believe the shakes are making a difference. I praise God for the good times we had today.

This morning I opened my devotional book called “Share my Pleasant Stones’ by Euginia Price and was blessed.
Let me share a bit with you…

The verse was Song of Solomon 2:4
“He brought me to the banqueting house, and His banner over me was love”.
This verse is kind of deep she suggests.
“Perhaps you’ve forgotten with the passing of years, what it was like the day the Lord first “brought” (you) to the
Banqueting house. Perhaps you’ve forgotten that for the first time in your life you were satisfied after you had eaten
the bread He gave you there.”

That says to me that I took that Bread of Life in an eager way and I drank of the Water of Life was my thirst is quenched.
I believe my heart sang, as Eugenia suggests, “His banner over me is love.” I also was willing to do anything the Lord asked me to do
And believed because He said it than that settled it and I accepted it. But it seems we all go through a time when we pull
Away from Jesus. I think we somehow think we become so smart and so busy we do not think we need to spend time in His Word
And we do not stop to pray like we did. I sure have had these times and than a test comes and I call “Jesus 911” and expect
Him to clean up my messes. When we kept nana I was almost homebound and I began to do my gratitude journal just to make it
Through the day. I learned I needed to be in His Word daily and I needed to stop reading all the “how to” books and ask the Lord
How to handle the day before me. I saw that He made me and He knew just what I needed to do and all I had to do was ask him
And than wait before Him for the answer. I do not mean He spoke in a loud voice to me but it was the still small voice I knew….HIS.
You see God made me and in reality He knew what the correct answer was. Self help books are OK but we can never replace the
Bible for a man’s idea. There is no formula that works for all of us because He made us all different.

Today this verse brought me back to my quiet time with the Lord. I had been so stressed that I allowed my emotions to guide
Me through the day. So before we went out I spent time with the Lord. The errands fell in place, the visit went well with mom and it was the
Lord that laid it on my heart to have her open her eyes and bring her out of wherever she was. I came home and took my first good nap.
John cooked and I ate a great meal and was ready to see mom again. Tonight I am rejoicing for the healing that we will see with mom. She is in His
Hands. I will rest more so I can deal with her in a way that does not kill me. Yes, I know there still are bad days but I also know
“His banner over me is love!”

PRAY:
For less pain for mom and that that leg will stop jerking.
That she may allow us to get protein in her so she will become stronger.
That she may heal.
That they can fix what is happening in that knee and hip so she can walk again.
For a job for John
Patience for me to just ride this storm out.

Praise God:
For the better minutes she had today.
For the cards that come that she has me read to her several times a day.
Thanks Lorraine for the picture…she has it propped up by her bed.
And also for the “BIG love” from you to us.

Yesterday was tough and requests!

Yesterday was tough on mom and sure wore me out. But these days I get on overload
really easy!

It started out with the knowledge we needed advice how to proceed with this all.
Will mom come home with me, do we have to move here for awhile, how do we
Take care of all her needs. I knew the staff at Parkview Mennonite Church offered
To help and I headed to the church there. It was nice to catch up with Joan Brubaker Horst. (She is
Secretary there and also the daughter of my grandma’s sister.) Barbra Lehman the assistant
Minister was there and we chatted. She knew mom and dad when they lived here and so was able to
Pick up where we are now. She also has visited mom in the hospital. We talked about the fact mom
Is telling all of us she wants to give up and has indeed there. We talked about John not having a job
And the fact he has not found one in LaGrange. We chatted about mom’s finances, which are not so good.
She wants to bring Phil Kniss(we both admire and respect Phil) into our future talks so that John and I are covered by decisions we make.
That will happen after Thursday when we see the surgeon. Her gentls spirit helped me strengthen my will
And at that time I did not know how much I would need that.

Than the social worker wanted to see me at one. So that gave me time to spend a few hours with mom.
As I went by the nurse’s desk I saw Dr. Shenk and asked him to check the swelling in mom’s ankle. I
Also ask for the heart doctor’s report. He came right back and gave us the results of the heart tests.
Think on a range of mild, medium and bad as I share this. He told mom in this manner…
The walls are thickening and that is a high medium. For her age of almost 87 that is not so bad,
The valves are causing the mummers they hear and they are leaking and he would rate that a low medium.
The heart is pumping strongly and that is good.

Now for the blood work.
Mom has not been eating and has not since dad’s death. He told her that he protein level was about the
Worst he has seen and he would tell her it is as bad as the children that are starving in Africa. He said it
Is alarming and so she will have to have protein shakes and have to make herself eat. She responed by
Saying she just wants to die. We tried to talk to her but I could see she was ignoring us. Her iron level
(and she is taking iron) is one point away from doing another blood transfusion. She wanted to know if she could deny
that if it was needed. Her kidneys are functions well and her lungs are going to be watched closely.

Than he looked at the swelling in the ankle and tried to touch her inner thigh on the side that was broken and she
Yelled…..so off to the hospital in a transport she went to check for blood clots. I had not eaten that morning
So I headed back for John and when I came into the motel room he had a sausage biscuit fixed for me (and he makes the best ones)
and a cup of fresh coffee. We headed for the hospital as they asked us to do because she was not wanting to talk.
She does not have a blood clot but they are concerned about the swelling. We see the surgeon tomorrow.

Another thing we addressed with Dr. Shenk was the knee and leg are turning in and I wondered might it be the pins
Are not holding and he nodded yes….so that will be addressed tomorrow. This was the surgeons worst fear for mom. I
Simply could not handle that thought. If that happens she may be bed ridden.

Than the social worked…. Mom has been approved for 6-8 weeks more in rehab. The answer to her going to Georgia
Before 2 weeks more is out. Medicare will pay 80% and today we go to MMA to see if they will cover the other 20%.
Since I have power of attorney I can do this. We also have to check where mom has state residency. She basically
Is a woman without a home and Medicare will have to set the state residency. She sold a mobile home in Florida so she
May still be a resident there. Will we move back there with her I was asked…..will we? She never paid rent in Virginia so will
The state of Virginia pick up if she needs Medicaid. Right mow this was an accident and so this is covered but where does
she need to be? Than factor in Georgia….She and dad did live there 4 years so will they accept her with that? I have to set up
appointments to find all of that out. The social worker suggested I allow the church to help me there because it is more
important for me to be with mom and try to get her to want to live. This is where you all come in…please send cards. When they
come I make her share memories with me about each of you….Beth and Mary Lynn she is asking about you. Since she saw you that Sunday
we moved she wants me to tell her stories about the times we spent with grandma growing up and your visits. Mary Lynn, she
remembers laying me beside you in the sewing room the night grandpa died and how wonderful your mom handled telling us
the next morning he had died.I sure remember that! Beth she wants to talk about the twins and how your dad and Aunt Irene
helped and how much Irene is a part of their lives. She wished she had a picture of them. So the social worker heard her
talking and asked would I put together a scrapbook of all of the family. So will you all help me by sending pictures so I can do this.

Uncle Bobby, she wants a picture of you and says she misses talking to you. Aunt Gladys she thinks you are quilting and says you
Do beautiful work she needs a project to quilt around…..really she cannot do this yet but we may get her to. Jeanne, she wants the picture
You sent at Christmas and I have no idea where hers is. She wants to see the farm and grandma’s house. She wants to come and than die.
But a picture of both will help. I can keep her awake with pictures.

Nicole and Crystal I need pictures of your kids…..she asks for them. Skyler, she loves you and has asked when you are coming. Yesterday
She asked if you started school but I soon got her back with me to tell her what a beautiful lady you are. She said I need to see her ready for the
Prom…..a picture will do.

Ladies, from my loops….send cards so I can tell her stories about you all. If you have a picture send it. Label all the names, all of you. A good exercise
They say will be them asking her to tell them the names on the photos and they need each picture labeled.

PRAY:
Mom’s pins are not slipping.
We can see what is making the swelling and tenderness.
She will want to live.
We will find the answers we need to set her up.
The Chaplin Shirley Yoder will be able to reach her….mom likes her but sets up walls. I love this lady!
We know where we need to find a job…that the path will be clear to John.
I am give out and I need energy!
I will not feel so alone. And I will quit worrying about how we will make it.

Mom’s address: Rachel Kraybill %Oak Lea Nursing Home1475 Virginia Ave.Room 132Harrisonburg,Virginia22802-2433

Sunday Night

I have found it hard to write updates. I tend to be optimistic generally. But this week has really
Stretched me. I find myself going low and trying to rise above that. I find myself wanting to
Chat with dad and ask him what I need to do and than I remember he is no longer here. That
Hit home this afternoon. Mom had just been put back into bed and had drifted off and cried out
Donna when are they going to let Arthur come in?” I hesitated hoping she would keep her eyes closed.
But she looked at me and repeated it again. Tears came to my eyes as I told her dad was not coming
But he sure loved her and was with her in her heart and memories. She cried and shut her eyes again.
When she looked up a good while later I said, “Mom, you are not eating, you are not really working
With the nurses... are you giving up?” Her reply was, “Yes, I believe I am.” So I tried the reverse psychology
Crystal suggested and told her she would miss seeing Adam graduate, Will mature and Zoe grow much less
The one she so treasures, Skyler graduate from college. She said they have to live good lives and I will
see them in Heaven. That I all I can do. I saw it was foolish to try anything else but “Mom, I need you,
I am not ready to lose the only parent I have left.” She smiled and said she loved me but was not going to
live dependent on anybody else.

After several hours of reality and drifting off she had quite a bit of pain and I would see her leg draw up and jerk
And she would cry out in pain. I also saw the ankle was so swollen again and called the nurse. She checked
Out the ankle and there was a good pulse but when I told her I had mother in the hospital ER twice in Atlanta with
This she said they will have to look further and promised the doctor will check in on her tomorrow AM. I also
Told her the double heart mummer was a concern before the surgery and they had called in the heart doctor she
Asked me to walk to the nurses station to see if the results were there. They were not and she noted the doctor needed to
Call and get his results. She brought her pain pills and muscle relaxant and I asked her could I turn off the lights and
Allow her to sleep. She said she needed that and I prayed with her and left.

I was so upset I knew I needed counsel and remembered that Willie (William) was there and as my pastor at Camp Hebron
Was always a real help to me. I also went to Reading, Pa. to a Mennonite Servant hood summer as a teen to work with the
mission where he was a pastor. Than when mom and dad moved here 10 years ago I got to spend time with him and his wife
and where he led the Men’s Chorus from the retirement home here. Dad had a wonderful voice and loved this group.
Willie loved dad too. So he welcomed me to their apartment having no idea mom was here and had broken her hip. He
Listened and with his wife they had compassion and some good advice. We prayed together and I left in a better frame of mind.

I chatted with Nicole on the way back to John and than fell apart in his arms. This husband of mine is a man with a heart
Of love and compassion. Having lost his parents he knows what I am feeling. I tended his mom with dementia, The Big “A”.
We called it that when talking to her doctors in front of her because of her fear of this awful disease. I had to be his place of comfort
During that time and he is very conscious of my ups and downs. He sat me down with a glass of wine and cooked supper.
I have relaxed enough after watching “Extreme Home Makeover” and a good Discovery Channel special on the ocean.

I picked up a new book for $.50 at the Mennonite thrift store called “Do not Lose Heart” by Dave and Jan Dravecky. I never
Have heard of this book or the author but have found comfort in the pages. Hebrews 12:3 was the text I read today.
“Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

I want to quote a few things….pages 24:-25
“Martin Luther, the great Reformer, would say this even more forecefully,’Our suffering is not worthy the name of suffering’
he wrote, ‘When I consider my crosses, tribulations, and temptations, I shame myself almost to death, thinking what are they
in comparison of the of the sufferings of my blessed Saviour Christ Jesus’.
Several sentences don the author says, “When suffering invades their lives, many complain, ‘God doesn’t understand!’ But He does.
He understands it far better than we do. Our Savior suffered vastly more than we will ever begin to grasp- and he did it for our
Sake.”….
“Last, I am helped to endure my trials when I consider how Jesus endured his own. “…who for the joy set before him endured the cross.”
(Hebrews 12:2). Jesus looked ahead to what his sufferings would accomplish, and great joy gripped his soul. He endured for the joy of
completing the Father’s will for him.”

We suffer in many ways. It may be as mom with a death of a spouse after 65 years of marriage. It may be from the pain of broken
Bones. It may be for some of us the broken dreams of our life. It could be the death of a child or an illness like cancer. For me at this time
It is seeing my mom suffer and trying to do anything I can to help. It is listening to so many who have so many ideas how I need to handle
It but are not here to see what I am doing. It is trying to trust doctors and health care providers and trying to keep the very limited resources
She has safe. It is reading documents and trusting what they say they mean knowing changes come so often in the medical insurance
World. But when I read those verses in Hebrews I see my Jesus suffered much more. The fact he gathers me into his loving arms and says
“I understand because I too suffered and paid the price so you may have life”. But with that you and I all see he gives us the strength and peace to face
tomorrow and we can sing that great song with confidence…..”Because He lives I can face tomorrow…” (Bill Gaither)

I can and I will face tomorrow with the knowledge He knows and He loves me and his strength gives me strength.

Pray:
***Mom will have a will to live.
***If she does not I have the confidence I did all I could for her.
*** The doctors will see what is causing the swelling in the ankle.
***That she will eat.
***That we can meet tomorrow with the ones Willie suggested we do meet with.
***That John can find a job. But here Willie pointed out something that made me giggle. Had John had a job
right now he may well have lost it anyway. He told me to be thankful I do not have to face this without John atmy side. I am thankful!

Friday Update

This sure is a roller coaster...they have had to give mom double nerve pills and now doubled the anti anxiety meds.
She will not relax for them at all. She does sleep but they told me just a bit ago that when she is awake she
Is upset at not knowing what is happening to her, where she will live, will she ever be the same, why is she so
Mixed up and she told them she was depressed and mixed up before dad died. She says she can hide it
Well. That is sure the truth depending on who calls her. I am taken back to caring for John’s mom and I see the same thing.
She could pull it together for a visit or call but not on the whole.

She chatted very good with Uncle Harold’s today but when John and I got there she was all confused again. Since I had talked to
Uncle Harold after the call I could tell her some of the conversation and she wanted me to write it down. I notice she likes
To read the cards and notes I make. We have a small notebook and she keeps the visitors down there. When I go to see her I
Review them with her.

Tonight a lady came with a dear friend Mary Zook and brought mom a prayer shawl for the ladies of Parkview Mennonite
Church. It is knitted and has shades of purple in it and it looks nice. She was pleased with that. I took the pink grapefruit she
and I picked before leaving Florida and she is sharing them with friends. Today at Goodwill I spent 1.00 on a new “My Utmost for His Highest”
and I read one to her and that calmed her also.

This will be a slow week for me..the 15th seems so far away and than we may not have all the answers. Pray for us. I miss home.

On a lighter side I was at a old bookstore and found one of Christmas Carol Kauffman’s book I have never read. It is “Danny Of Cedar Cliffs”.
I have read all the rest and am hunting for them. Grandma read some of them to me as a kid. She read “Lucy Winchester”, “Hidden Rainbow”,
“Light from Heaven” to mention a few.

Today we took a road trip out into the country around Dayton and went to the Dayton Farmers Market. We did not spend a dime but it
Was good to get out…the huge farms and quaint communities I just love, not to mention the mountains. I relaxed. Than we went back to see
Mom and see if I could encourage her to eat.as she is not eating much. Today I took some strawberry Danish Pudding that I made to her
And added some wonderful fresh strawberries and she ate that. I am going to make a soup tomorrow and see if that will work for her.

John just made appetizers for our supper so I am going to join him.

Pray:
****1. she will eat.
*** 2. She will learn to relax
***3. She will look at the bright side.
***4. Mend in spite of the brittle bones
***5. A job for John***6. Wisdom to know where we need to be and mom also.

Wed evening and shock!

God prepares our hearts from one day to the next, no really one minute at a time if we just listen.
This morning I shared about trusting God and that it is hard at times for me to do that. Than I shared we must
Do these things in order….Trust Him, Delight in Him, Commit to Him and than rest in Him. How little
I knew these words would stick with me on the way home from rehab this afternoon.

Mom was a bit mixed up again but she also was upset that she has to do arm therapy and she wanted
to come home with me. I humored her with stories and she relaxed. As I was ready to go they stopped me at the
Nurses station and said the doctor needed to see me. So I waited. He questioned me about some things I thought he
Would and than hit me with, “How long has she been showing symptoms of forgetting and dementia.” I knew when I
Talked to her over the phone she would have notes and than had trouble telling me what she wanted to. I thought it
Was depression. Mom has always suffered with forms of depression and nerve problems. But she refuses to carry
Through using the meds and dad was the worst getting herbs for her and she hated those worse. I felt she needed meds for
Anxiety since the fall and he agreed. But he says the evaluations they are doing shows it is more than depression.
I told him I cared for my MIL for 2-1/2 years with the “Big A” and so he was blunt with me. I appreciated that.

Looking back I see she would prepare herself for a visit with Uncle Harold and Aunt Irene or a friend. She did isolate
herself and seemed to think people up here would treat her better than in Sarasota. That was not true. She just would
not follow through calling folks. He said that was a early part of dementia. This could be just old age or it could be more.
He decided to double her Zoloft and add an anti-anxiety drug. We will see if that helps her and if she will cooperate more.
He told me this is why the hospital and several at the home were asking me to get Power of Attorney. I know for the
Purpose of changing her Medicare plan and changing an address again with SS I will need that. She seems open to it.
This is not something I wanted to do but he insisted I follow through.

I cried as I drove home. I dealt with this with Nana and I know the road ahead will not be easy. To me these symptoms
Seem to come and go. Than again I remember when Nana broke her hip the dementia really was something we had to deal with.
I do not want my mom to lose her dignity. To me any form of dementia is an awful illness and all dignity seems to be something
that goes quick.. I know as an only child I have a lot on my plate…decisions John and I have to make. I know from experience
we will make mistakes but the truth is we will do the best we can.

That brings me to the love I have for this man that loves me above all else except for God. His faith is strong where mine can be weak.
He is loving and helpful and will do anything to help me unwind. Tonight he made us supper and served me. Now he is ready to run a
bath for me. God has given me a man that is strong when he needs to be. I am thankful for that!

Tomorrow I will spend more time with mom and will ask the Lord to help me be watchful and see what is real and what may be depression.
She has faced a death, put the trailer up and than told us…. sold it for less than they paid for it 6 months earlier, said she was coming to live in
LaGrange and the next thing I knew she had rented an apartment here. The doctor told me that all couldn’t continue…she cannot run away
from herself, her loss and her needing assistance in living day to day. I know that is true.

Thank you all for your love and prayers. Just when we needed it today a stranger to me handed us $40.00. What a blessing to us. Our need was met.

Prayer Points:
***1. That I continue to trust God to show John and I what to do.
***2. The doctor gets all the evaluation done and we have a clear picture.
***3. We can move her home and take the steps we need to for her to be comfortable.
***4. Mom has peace and will try harder to work at getting around.
***5. There is a clear picture the 15Th when we see the surgeon.***6. That John will find a job wherever the Lord leads…maybe we need to go home to Pa. Who knows?

Wednesday AM...my gratitude journal

I write a gratitude journal each morning. I started this when Uncle Joe and Nana came toLive with us. It helped me face each day with a spirit of being thankful. I will share some while we are in Virginia.
I am thankful for:

1. rain we still are having here. Each drop reminds me of the importance of it for the earth welive in. We are to care for the earth and I take that very serious.


2.Friends and family…The calls and emails help me feel you all are with John and I. It is easyto feel so alone in a place you never lived. I wish friends would be close for visits or to go out for a biteto eat.


3.Trust…what a gift we have in this word.

******
The older I get the more I see that life is a profound exercise in trust in the Heavenly Father. We Need to trust His Word…we need to trust His Holy Spirit and the way He leads us…I tried to sum this up In my thoughts during the night…It really means I will obey Him even when I cannot see the beginning from the end. I like to plan and so this conflicts with “me” and “my plans” as opposed to Him and His will for my life. I tell Friends I am a slow learner….I am learning to do what Corrie Ten Boon says in a book title of one of her books.

“Don’t Wrestle, Just Nestle”.

That is a loving picture of us crawling into the lap of our heavenly Father in the middle of any storm we face. (By the way do any of you have this book and would be willing for me to buy it? Ihad her whole library of books but that was all taken away in the chapter of our life called “Gone with the Mold”.)

I love this quote of hers too….it addresses trust in a real way.


“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”


I read Psalm 37 again today and will share a few of my many notes in the margin of my Bible. The first seven verses always bless me.

Verse 3 tell us to “Trust in the Lord…”

Verse 4 tells us to “Delight in theLord”.

The fifth verse says “Commit your way to the Lord”.

And verse 7 tells us to “Rest or Be still beforeThe Lord”.


What I see here is important to each day of our life. I can say as a Christian I trust in the Lord. We do find it easier to say than live most times of trouble. But as a whole I am prone to believe if the Lord says it than that settles it.


We have delight in the Lord. To delight in the Lord can mean we praise the Lord.Our former pastor Joel Hunter suggested it could mean we obey the Lord. Remember David says this:“I will delight to do your will, O my God”. He also suggested we delight in the Lord by sharing with those we meet and how He works in our lives and helping them see the need for Him.


“Commit your way to the Lord”…ouch. To me that means if I commit a situation to Him than I am really telling Him to take control of that situation and that I will follow His leading. I get off of my knees and start thanking Him for whatever happens. Now that is so easy to write but oh so hard to do.I so often take a burden to Him and than when the answer does not come quickly I take it away from Him and do my thing. Than it becomes a real mess and so I use my Lord as a 911 call…Lord, You have got to take care of this mess for I am sinking in despair. He is faithful to love me and help me.


Than in verse 7 He says we are to “rest in the Lord” or “be still before the Lord” and one more word…Wait…I understand be still. I have learned spending time with the Lord is not reading a few verses, than saying “God bless me and my family” and “the missionaries far and near” Amen….I read and I journal my feelings on those verses and I do wait to see what he impresses on my heart for that day. BUT the next words gets me so often…”wait patiently”. Patience is sure easy to say but hard to achieve sometimes. The times I do wait I see how it strengthens my heart. Remember God made us and there is no other book written that will speak to any problem you face more than the Bible. When I raised my kids I read so many books on how to do It but my Grandma told me on the phone one day I needed to go in my “prayer closet” and ask the Lord what did my child need. I did that and what I leaned is this….we ask a doctor what we need to do when a child is sick and we listen and do that and this is good. That why do we not go to the Lord and ask Him how we can help our child learn, obey, calm down or whatever the problem is? He made our child and He wants us to ask Him. He knows what is best for the child we are talking to him about. It usually means I had to search my heart and see what needs to be Changed in my life so I can help my child. I think I am trying to say it means we get off our knees and we roll up our sleeves and we start helping answer that need. He gave us the common sense to seek help from others.

Now I will close with this…These 4 things must come in the order he puts them in Psalm 37. Trust the Lord, Delight in the Lord, commit to the Lord, and rest in the Lord.
My late father in law said this:
"All men are restless (shiftless) until they follow these steps and than he can rest in the Lord."

What are you thankful for today?
I am heading to the rehab to see my mom and so this evening will update you all on her progress.

TUESDAY

Today I awoke to a rainy and dreary day in Virginia. There has been talk about it being ice tonight. I did
get to see some ice cycles forming on the trees. To me that is one of the most beautiful sights of winter. I
know ice causes a multitude of problems for communities but I still love to see it. It was the winter we had Nana
(John’s mother) that I last saw a ice storm. John’s sister was still alive and we really had a lot of fun. The picture
at the top of this entry is our house at that time. I love that picture!

Nature speaks to me in so many ways. It always has. If you study birds you will see the character traits I
Believe our Heavenly Father wants us to have. The way they care for the young and than how they help the
babies come to the feeders to eat but they teach them to be careful. I remember Uncle Joe’s hawk that came and
would sit outside his bedroom every morning and Uncle Joe called him “his hawk”. When Uncle Joe would
come out for the day the hawk would be gone. He left the day Uncle Joe died and I watched for him for the
longest time. One day he came and sat outside the side of our bedroom and came each morning. Than it
seemed like he was my hawk. It reminded me of all the things that gentle mad taught me. The pair of geese
that came and had babies and raised them on our lawn was a great lesson. I could feed the parents but it was
quite a long time before they allowed the babies to come where I threw the corn. The could chase you something
awful when they wanted more distance between you and their young. Isn’t that the way we are to be when danger
is lurking close to our children? My grandma is a case and point to danger and kids. Really I should not even
mention kids and grandma in the same sentence….you see grandma took offence when someone called her children or
us grandchildren “kids”. Her reply is that was not correct because she was not a goat and therefore we were not kids.
She even wrote to “Back to the Bible Radio Program” to correct them and they thanked her. My response was not so
Kind. I thought it was funny. But she was against TV for any reason. It was still the days of antennas on the roof and she
called the whole thing “The devil (TV) sitting in the living room with his tail(the antenna) sitting on the roof.”. Again I
fount that funny and loved her saying it but she saw danger in the TV. I do believe she would have a fit today if she
knew what came through to our children. She had long-range sight I would say but I believe we can govern what comes
on in our homes that our children watch. Her feeling was it would harden their hearts to evil and they would allow sin to
creep in.

Now I have chased enough rabbits…we spent time with mom this afternoon. Her therapy sessions are in the morning and
they encouraged us to allow them to have this time. I know the value in that having just gone through therapy. She needs to
concentrate on what they need her to do. When I am there she wants to chat and not work. When I did talk to her over the
phone she was crying and did not want to be there. I assumed they must have worked on the hip but that was not the case
at all. They had worked on her arms to develop more strength. She wanted to sleep and that upset her. At one point in
the conversation she wanted to go to be with dad. I think part of that is to be expected but mom before this was telling me
this over and over. I cannot imagine how it would feel to not have a husband by your side you had there for 65 years. I
know how I miss him. But I cannot let her go there. I did ask they give her something for anxiety because she is hyper focused
on some things. The doctor has not been there to see her yet and that does not make me happy. Her leg is very large and they
say they need to fit her with an elastic stocking but it was too swelled today to get the measurements. She is not being given a water
pill and she is to take them. I plan on calling early and being there when the doctor comes tomorrow.

By the time we got in today she was settled down some but started to cry and I had to be the parent and tell her she had to
“quit the pity parties for herself”. I told her my home heath care provider would tell me to “Put on my big girl panties and grow
up”. She thought that was funny. From there I did get her to lighten up until she knew she would be there until the 15Th and than we
would see her surgeon and make plans. She only wanted to be there a few days. I called her tonight and she was exhausted
so I suggested we come in tomorrow after lunch and she was fine with that. I am still exhausted and needed this time to deal with issues
in my mind and heart.

I never thought I could handle my mom in our home. But faced with the little she has left and the fact we would be so far apart
I see I will need to do this. So I am asking the Lord to do a work in me that will open my heart to love her even more.
I need to push the past out and embrace now. So this is the first way you can pray today….

1. I put out of my heart her feelings she still has when upset, that she only adopted me for dad and embrace the “now”. She has wasted enough time on bitterness in her
life and I refuse to allow that to creep into my life. The last time I saw grandma she shared this with me: “With bitterness it is not the initial
price, but the upkeep that is so expensive”. Based on Eph. 4:31. Grandma also dealt with bitterness.

2. Mom will work to get better. Her attitude is not the best to me. When others call she puts on a good act.

3. That John will find work soon. We will stay here if he could find work. We would stay in this area if a good job was to be his.

4. That mom will accept she has to come and live with us for the time being. Others are pulling her to stay here
her surgeon says she must be with us because she will need help for a long time and with the brittle bones this could
happen again. If she stayed here I would just worry and the trips from Georgia to here are just too costly.

Until tomorrow…..