SNOW DAYS

We sure are living in a "Winter Wonderland". I am reminded of this by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Come, see the north-wind's masonry, Out of an unseen quarry evermore Furnished with tile, the fierce artificer Curves his white bastions with projected roof Round every windward stake, or tree, or door. Speeding, the myriad-handed, his wild work So fanciful, so savage, naught cares he For number or proportion.

I watched the beauty around us unfold and I was reminded of how the beautiful white covers the dirty spots and transforms them into beauty. God does that for us. He takes the mess of our lives and makes them pure and white.

As for mom...she is doing OK some days and slipping the next. As I told the nurse I am never sure which one I will see in the morning nor do I know which one will be there when I take her night pills and tuck her in. I know she is lonely and gets no visitors. It has been at least 3 months since anyone was here she knew. The boys do go back from time to time as well as their mother and that is good....we did get her out to a birthday tea for the oldest boy I home school. But she went right back into her safe little world. Her appetite is getting less and less except for her snacks....Uncle Bobby's made her day with a package of chocolates, Pa. Dutch Bologna and books to read. Than a friend of mine sent her some more books, socks and good smelling soap. These packages are very special to mom and let her know she is still loved. She needs that. I am reminded that her days are numbered and I try to enjoy the good times we have.

I think we had around 20 inches of snow and these pictures taken from inside the house tell the story.

Sick and Our Anniversary

I have been so sick with the H1N1 or swine flu and I had pneumonia with it. I am slowly gaining back some strength.

Yesterday laughter and song came from our home....what a treat! It was our 21st anniversary!

Mary Ellen the mom of the 2 boys I home school arranged for her whole family to come and bring finger foods to celebrate our special day. She knows how I miss family! So they came at 10AM. I have added pictures of the families that were here.....This is her, her husband and my 2 boys!

Grandma and grandpa Shirk are just simply precious! They have welcomed us into the family with open arms and I can tell you I miss my grandma and the aunties more when I am around them!

Fred and Lois and their 4 children.....Fred was a cook when mom and dad were at the Mennonite home here and they loved him! He is a pastor also. He had a wonderful devotions for us.....than his one daughters read a beautiful poem. Mom remembers him and they have a special relationship that brings her peace.

Eunice and Steve and their 7 kids....they are the ones that have a market down from us and allowed me to sell my felt items there and cards. Eunice and I have a special sister relationship and I treasure her family! The younger ones sang a carol and Natalie the oldest plays the harp and the one next to her sang in a most beautiful clear voice. Natalie played the harp as we sang many carols.

Mom and Steve's youngest daughter....She loves mom and mom responds to her too. Mom wants to have a tea party with her next week.

The boys surprised me with saying Luke 2 together and they did it without a mistake! We had homemade cookies, fruit trays, tortilla wraps and she made the best tortillas from scratch! Garden Pizza and I made meatballs and a cheese tray. What good food! I was wiped by the time they left....but happy. I just cannot get my strength back and still cough a lot...my voice is coming back a bit at a time. Ryan told me yesterday I did not sound older than grandma. He says it like he sees it! Last night was rough but this morning I feel a bit better. This swine flu is awful! Yesterday was the best anniversary we had and we are grateful for precious new family!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgivings in the past are so much fun to remember! I had 2 families that celebrated the holiday with family meals and fun with cousins!

Let's take a trip to the Aunties first.....Donegal Springs Road, Mount Joy, Pa..... a beautiful brick house with a wide front porch.....but the best part of getting there was to see who else was there.Of course as you entered the front room you got hugs and kisses from Aunt Fannie, Aunt Elizabeth and Aunt Emily.....I remember the smells as you got inside.....Maybe Uncle Ben's were there and of course that meant Don, Joyce and Ken.....or Uncle Luke's....Jay Leon and Don would be there....Herb's, Edward's, Wilbur's, Uncle Amos and Aunt Mabel, and maybe Elizabeth and cousins from Virginia....what fun we had! I remember oysters, turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry relish, vegetables, relish trays and more.....that the wonderful pies, cake, cookies and that great ice cream.....as kids we would take a bowl and mix it good and eat it with pretzel sticks.....now that was fun! The adults would talk and we kids would play. Than we would eat again.

Now we go to Grandma Shearer's. I only really remember the meals after grandpa died. She would stretch that table so we would all fit there....Her turkey was perfection! So golden brown. Her dressing the best with saffron threads and the grave was the greatest! Uncle Bobby's lived down the lane so you knew they would be there....Jean and RD were precious to me and what fun we had in that basement....toys, shuffle board and games....Now if it were really special the cousins were there from Florida.....Uncle Harold's....Mary Lynn, Gave and Beth~ Grandma made the best opera fudge and what a treat! Do you know my grandma's favorye part of the turkey was the neck....to each his own!

Than I had my family and I remember each Thanksgiving.....some were with us alone but many with the Kemp/Blocker Family and talk about fun! They were are extended family since we lived away from our Pa. family. They took us in and filled the void we had for missing our family and cousins...we did go home to Pa. the my grandma's and to the Engle Family. Each gave my kids a feeling of family, love and tradition. Than came John and his family....how Nana loved to serve holiday meals in style. We miss her too and John's 2 sisters.

Thanksgiving to me is the best holiday.....I love fall and love family and the traditions. We each need to stop and hold those we love very close to us. We need to build our family traditions and above all we need to stop and give thanks to our Heavenly Father for all his love and all His grace. We need to be thankful for Salvation and a roof over our heads.....for the food we have and the comforts we take for granted.

Life can throw us curves but we must take this time to count our blessings~

John and I find ourselves alone today and yes, mom is here but bitter and she chooses to stay in her room. I have cooked a turkey that was a gift and as we speak the dressing (with saffron), vegetables are roasting, sweet potatoes browning, and cranberry sauce ready. We received a pecan pie and that is our special treat!

John is struggling today with his chiari and sprinx......he has a awful headache and has had to lay down a lot.....but I am thankful I have him! We have each other and that is a great gift! We face each day hoping for a treatment that will help and researching all we can. When you are without a job and insurance few want to see you. I know the answer will come.

I have the blessing of homeschooling 2 boys to bring on some income and what a blessing! Yes, it stretches me but it is income.....They have adopted is and I love that!

That brings me to last Sat. night.....the boys family invited us to their family Thanksgiving and I made mom go.....What a loving group of Mennonite people....just like the Aunties and grandma's and we were guests of honor with all the love we needed! This was the first social time we had since we came to Virginia. Do you know what that meant to us? One of the Son in Laws was the cook at VMRC when Mom and dad lived there. Fred was good for her. The only sad thing was she forgot what dad had when he had polio and dimly seemed to remember the hospital stay. She did not think he was in the hospital 5 weeks. She does not want to go out again but she may just have too. I saw how much I missed fellowship.

Mom came out and ate with us because I refused to take her a tray. She went back quickly and had little to say. She would not allow me to remind her of the things I mentioned here....she said that is all dead to her now....if only she could enjoy the life she has. She told us she seldom has enjoyed gatherings....I long for them! How I miss daddy!

Here are a few prayer requests....
1. Wisdom to know how to handle mom with John getting worse.
2. That disability will come through.
3. That I am able to stretch the Food Stamps as that is our only food money to use.
4. That we may find help for John....someone has to be able to help.
5. We can some how make the rent this month.
6. That I can deal with the pain I feel from being away from my kids. I need that support.

I awoke with this some on my mind today....maybe you can sing it with me....I remember Aunt Emily singing this.

HE GIVETH MORE GRACE
Annie J. Flint
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.


Yes, He gives and He gives and gives again! That makes life worth living!
Happy Thanksgiving!

WE ARE NOT AS STRONG AS WE THINK WE ARE and Dad

Rich Mullins wrote a song called ,

"We Are Not As Strong As We Think We Are"

Well, it took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

~~
And they say that one day Joshua
Made the sun stand still in the sky
But I can't even keep these thoughts Of you
from passing by
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are
~~

We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are

And the Master said their faith was
Gonna make them mountains move
But me, I tremble like a hill on a fault line
Just at the thought of how I lost you
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

CHORUS

And if you make me laugh well I know
I could make you like me
Cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun
But we can't do that I know that it is frightening
What I don't know is why we can't hold on
We can't hold on

CHORUS
When you love you walk on the water
Just don't stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin' awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are.
***********************************
Life is like that for me right now......I look strong.....I laugh.....I trust but inside I am not as strong as you think I am.

I see needs meet for each day.....I see John's sleep improve......I watch nature but I do not feel as strong as you think I am.

This week was the anniversary of dad's death and it hit me hard. You know I did rely on his cheerfulness, his strength and his wisdom. I did not always like it but he was walking with the Lord and it lined up with his beliefs.

Pastor Joel Hunter from Northland in Orlando preached today ( we watch it every Sunday morning and wish we were there) and his subject was hypocrites.....
He said we all fit in three areas:
We believe
We are non believers
Or we are make believers.

He fears that number 1 and 3 are not too far apart.....
But with dad that was not true. He believed and he lived it to the fullest!

With a hypocrite it is all about themselves and with a believer it is all about God. Dadused to say this....Aunt Emily taught him this....and me too.

J....Jesus First
O...others next
Y....yourself last.

How true and he lived that. He was one JOY filled man!

He said in closing that the results of being a hypocrite is we do not have intimacy that we desire with God.
We can never love fully or be loved fully.
This spills into our personal lives too. Here is a fact he gave.....Kids learn from what we say but become what they see. I have failed here many times....that I know. You see I know the "Book". I read it over and over but where I fail is I do not always live it.....I may try but I fail. That does not make me a hypocrite but a work in progress......Dad had to learn lessons too but what I saw taught me a lot. He talked too but most of my learning was by his actions....let me share a few.

~He served wherever and when ever the church asked him too.
~He was always content and dealt with mom never being content.....but he never yelled at her but prayed and accepted she would not change.....how do I know that? He wrote to me about it. It was a huge hurt for him but his example was greater than his pain!
~he loved the Mennonite Church and was a loyal Anabaptist. That never wavered!
~He loved his family and so wanted me to have brothers and sisters but not mom and that was another hurt to him. So he helped many a teen when we were in Harrisburg, Pa at the mission, he taught Bible School at Steelton and Harrisburg missions and mentored many. He was an example to so many and after his death I heard from one of those young men from Harrisburg....he says he was a pastor because dad gave him his first Bible and stayed by his side.

I think dad may say to me today if he was here that he was not as strong as I thought he was.
Oh how I miss him! I need his wisdom, compassion and guidance for I feel so weak.

They closed today with this song......it is my desire....

Reign In Us
Starfield

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus:]
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus]
We cry out
For your love to refine us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us blameless until you return
********************************************

We took mom out last night but she was negative about everything. She lives in bitterness.
I told her the day after dad died a year ago and she said she knew it was soon but forgot the day. I tend to think she knew.

Today she slept until 12:30 and asked me to leave her alone. So I will. She said she wants to talk to nobody today. So I will care for her and be quiet. It is wearing on me bad. When she does talk she puts on this cheer but as soon as she is off she will tell me how her life never was what she wanted and how others live perfect....I think not.

John has 2 more weeks before he can have a full report on his health....no meds yet and he needs them to interview. So we wait. That is so hard. His sleep is better and he does feel some energy at times.

Monday we find out of the job he interviewed at 3 times is his. Pray with us this works out if it is in God's plan. We find it hard to ask for help....both of us feel like failures when we must. That weakens me so.

We will hear from a team to guide us this week....pray we are teachable. Being exhausted makes me weak in this area too.

Love each of you~!

I NEVER KNEW

I took this picture this morning outside the front door.

It has been a long time since I updated this bog. It has been the darkest time for me. But I am learning a lot.

I never knew my patience could be so tested.....but I never once lost my temper.

I never knew that cooking what mom asks for could be so trying....but I have made that extra meal 3 times a day with a smile on my face.

I never knew what bitterness can do.....but I have made sure I never allow it in my life.

I never knew how much one can miss their kids .....but I remember their hugs and laughter and treasure them.

I never knew what lonely really felt like....but I have used my time to learn and draw closer to God.

I never knew I would care for 2 people at once.....but I have learned about each illness and am adjusting.

I never knew how hard it is to see your husband cannot work right now....but I have learned to power of love not judgement.

I never knew what sleep apnea can do and has done.... but I have understanding now.

I never knew what desperation can do to a body.....but I have learned the power of 5 minute "mind vacations" can do for you.

I never knew how hard it would be to ask family for help.....but I have felt the joy and gratitude for the help that came.

I never knew how hard it would be to go and chat with a stranger about our needs....but the relief when he treated me like a human and not a charity case.

I never knew the gratitude I would feel for a hospital program.....but they came through with the CPAC for John without cost.

I never knew the weariness of sleeping light in order to see if John was still breathing.....but each time he was still with me and I was full of joy!

I never thought a stranger would offer career counseling for John.....but they have.

I never knew how precious one new friend can be.....but I met this Mennonite family and love them!

I never knew how precious bartering for food can be.....but we have fresh potatoes, cherry tomatoes, green beans and a pie for mom because of this.

I never knew the daily joy of seeing deer,fox, skunks, squirrels and other creatures bring.....but they visit us daily.

I never knew praying could exhaust someone so much.....but the power of prayer works!

I never knew the power of what a cousin could say to me on Face Book....but it relaxed me and gave me the faith I needed for that night~ Thank you Joy!~

I never knew the depth of the grace of the Lord until now....but I now have felt that "Deep love of Jesus.....vast, unmeasured, boundless, free...."
http://www.hymntime.com/tch/htm/o/t/othedeep.htm

I never knew the pain of being told no.....but it has taught me I can always give something to someone in need.

I never knew how much I need to relax......but I am learning to live I must....

I never knew what exhausted really is.....but I now see others that are suffering too.

I never knew how much we were loved.....But I know now!!!!!

How about singing with me Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.......

IT HAS BEEN AWHILE

I have wanted to write for a week but time flies.
Mom has not been good. But more than that she has
really had a hard time accepting she had a UTI (urinary tract
infection) again. She will not drink much.
So she decided to pretend she was fine and was hard to help.
All the while her urine was getting darker and I would gag
when I had to deal with it. Wednesday the home nurse called
the doctor and asked for a nurse to come and take a sample.
He agreed and she had to use a Cather and said she does
not remember getting so little.....Friday they called
to say that the first test showed she had more bacteria
in the sample than before and more tests were being run.
So we are on Cipro again.

Mom has stayed in bed for the last 2 days and ate very little.
On Sat. she was very ugly because I was right and I was
about to give up.......My nerves were shot to say the least.
Yesterday I simply did what I needed to and just left her rest.

She told the nurse she wants to be left alone. She claims to be
content to be in her room. She likes her meals carried to her.
She says she wants little if any company and feels best alone.
The nurse told me at the table she is not going to get any better.
The doctor agrees. My conflict is that just seems like a waste
of her life....she may try to crochet and the word here "try"
is important. She works and works but so many mistakes make her
tear it all out. She gave up on the jigsaw puzzle. She reads
but cannot tell us what she read. She watches very little TV.
It is so hard to see her just give up....she wants to die and go to
daddy......

I am lonely. I have not had the time to meet anyone and so I stay
home. I long to get out but she does not even want to go on a ride.
I have been making felt food for 2 orders and hope to be able to sell
more of that.

John still does not have a job.....he has good interviews but I am
wondering if local people do not try to hire local people. Our neighbor
says that is the case....so I am feeling some desperation in this area.
Mom can hardly move and so we feel stuck.

Pray mom's UTI gets better and it has not made the kidneys worse.
(she has chronic kidney disease)

I have the patience to deal with all of this.

Somehow I can make one friend.....someone to talk to and maybe get
a chance to do something with. John and I cannot get out together.
How I miss the "date nights".

John gets a job. He does have the sleep study done the 25Th of this
month. He qualified for total coverage. We are so thankful for that.

I hesitate to write this but

I need to be honest. Caregiving has its ups and downs. This is only meant to help someone that may be where I am.

I just talked to mom and she plans in staying in bed all day and wants only chocolate cake for lunch. At this point I am not arguing with her.I pulled up the blinds so she would see how nice it is today.....

I do believe I am over my head!
Like I told you all before....when you do not hear from me I am down.

Mom has become a depressed and very demanding lady. She is not happy and is determined we cannot be either. When she hears us laughing she gets ugly and says there is no need for laughter. When I make her a chocolate cake like she demands that I do not give her enough and she suppose that is because we want to eat it....wrong. John and I have almost cut out desserts. If I am on the phone she says nobody calls her and wishes I would not talk so long. I offer her the phone and she says she will not call anyone because they should be calling her.

If I tell her we are having grilled pork she hates pork and wants me do cook her chipped beef and gravy and biscuits with a vegetable and pudding..... .so I do 2 meals. That is what has ended up....2 meals have to be cooked for each meal. She just decided she does not like chicken and that is what we use a lot. She hates fish because dad liked fish. She detests shrimp and used to love them. Now they all have to be taken to her room on a tray because she wants it that way. So I try to make each tray pretty but it is never right,

Yesterday had me in one bad mood and that seldom happens..... We have a neighbor who is a single mom. She is a professor of journalism at James Madison University. She was a foreign correspondent all over the world before her son was born. I really enjoy her and so far she is my only friend here. So we help with her 10 year son son Conner. It is like having a grandchild. He sometimes gets off the bus here until she gets home like over exam time when her schedule was really crazy. Or like the last few weeks when she goes to interview vets for a huge article she is doing for a Washington magazine. Last week he spent the night. He is a very polite and good boy. He comes in and does his homework and that uses our old laptop.....he is easy to feed and just a delight..... mom hates I have a friend. Nancy comes for coffee some mornings and I love her stories of Bosnia and South America....Germany when she did a lot of research on the Nazi's and the Middle East. I
am just fascinated. We kept Conner last evening and when she got back about 7 she came to visit. We chatted for about an hour and half....laughed a lot because she was sharing food stories. When she left I went to check on mom and she told me she needed to pack her bags and let "that woman and that bot" move in. She does not want them here anymore. She was pure hateful and John came back to rescue me because he put the baby monitor on and heard her. He pointed out her friend stayed 3 hours this week when she came. That she said was different... ...so the rest of the night when I took her her pills, snack, helped her get dressed for bed she would remark she was surprised "she" was not here and that I had time for her. I was ticked but behaved. All I get done is waiting on her. She says its OK to just wet in her "pampers" and so I have to go and get the,,,,she wets on the bed and I change the sheets....we cannot leave her alone because she falls
backwards... ..so I am stuck.

Part of my frustration is our past......she has never liked one friend on mine ever.....she reminds me that she never wanted to adopt me all week and calls Ryan "that boy" too and always in a negative way....she has fits John has not gotten a job and if she knew how bad things are she would have a fit. I have to look for help......Now I know Lewies Bodies does make a person mean and I guess that is what is happening. Just pray I can deal with this....but I am almost over the edge.....

If you read this far than God bless......just pray for us.
Beside that I am so homesick for my kids and grand kids.....