I hesitate to write this but

I need to be honest. Caregiving has its ups and downs. This is only meant to help someone that may be where I am.

I just talked to mom and she plans in staying in bed all day and wants only chocolate cake for lunch. At this point I am not arguing with her.I pulled up the blinds so she would see how nice it is today.....

I do believe I am over my head!
Like I told you all before....when you do not hear from me I am down.

Mom has become a depressed and very demanding lady. She is not happy and is determined we cannot be either. When she hears us laughing she gets ugly and says there is no need for laughter. When I make her a chocolate cake like she demands that I do not give her enough and she suppose that is because we want to eat it....wrong. John and I have almost cut out desserts. If I am on the phone she says nobody calls her and wishes I would not talk so long. I offer her the phone and she says she will not call anyone because they should be calling her.

If I tell her we are having grilled pork she hates pork and wants me do cook her chipped beef and gravy and biscuits with a vegetable and pudding..... .so I do 2 meals. That is what has ended up....2 meals have to be cooked for each meal. She just decided she does not like chicken and that is what we use a lot. She hates fish because dad liked fish. She detests shrimp and used to love them. Now they all have to be taken to her room on a tray because she wants it that way. So I try to make each tray pretty but it is never right,

Yesterday had me in one bad mood and that seldom happens..... We have a neighbor who is a single mom. She is a professor of journalism at James Madison University. She was a foreign correspondent all over the world before her son was born. I really enjoy her and so far she is my only friend here. So we help with her 10 year son son Conner. It is like having a grandchild. He sometimes gets off the bus here until she gets home like over exam time when her schedule was really crazy. Or like the last few weeks when she goes to interview vets for a huge article she is doing for a Washington magazine. Last week he spent the night. He is a very polite and good boy. He comes in and does his homework and that uses our old laptop.....he is easy to feed and just a delight..... mom hates I have a friend. Nancy comes for coffee some mornings and I love her stories of Bosnia and South America....Germany when she did a lot of research on the Nazi's and the Middle East. I
am just fascinated. We kept Conner last evening and when she got back about 7 she came to visit. We chatted for about an hour and half....laughed a lot because she was sharing food stories. When she left I went to check on mom and she told me she needed to pack her bags and let "that woman and that bot" move in. She does not want them here anymore. She was pure hateful and John came back to rescue me because he put the baby monitor on and heard her. He pointed out her friend stayed 3 hours this week when she came. That she said was different... ...so the rest of the night when I took her her pills, snack, helped her get dressed for bed she would remark she was surprised "she" was not here and that I had time for her. I was ticked but behaved. All I get done is waiting on her. She says its OK to just wet in her "pampers" and so I have to go and get the,,,,she wets on the bed and I change the sheets....we cannot leave her alone because she falls
backwards... ..so I am stuck.

Part of my frustration is our past......she has never liked one friend on mine ever.....she reminds me that she never wanted to adopt me all week and calls Ryan "that boy" too and always in a negative way....she has fits John has not gotten a job and if she knew how bad things are she would have a fit. I have to look for help......Now I know Lewies Bodies does make a person mean and I guess that is what is happening. Just pray I can deal with this....but I am almost over the edge.....

If you read this far than God bless......just pray for us.
Beside that I am so homesick for my kids and grand kids.....

What a Day!

Really it started yesterday.....we were up about 3 hours....in fact I had just talked to Uncle Harolds and was coming down the stairs when she yelled....she was in a mess with Diarrhea. I helped her clean up because she had company coming at 11 and also the therapist. She was too washed out to do the exercises but the therapist saw the nurse needed to come and called and set that up. If I could have called Dan and Catherine (mom's friends) I would have asked them not to come....but mom did good with them. She has learned that if she keeps talking about the past folks will not see the dementia. She did not want much lunch. The nurse said her vitals were good.
The rest of the day was good but she could not sleep. The TV went off and on all night and I had to turn the monitor off because John and I could not sleep. I heard closet doors and finally when I came down she told me she had not slept all night.She was wild eyed. It sure reminded me of Nana after a night of "sun downers". She could not rest all morning and so we decided we needed to take her a ride....we went up the mountain and than to Harrisonburg to get my meds at Costco. She wanted Chick-fil-A. We ate in the car and came back home. John had a flat tire on the truck and so headed down to fill it....I relaxed and thud! I yelled mom and no answer. There she laid on the bathroom floor telling me she was fine. We had been told not to yank her up alone but get help and so I called John who raced back up the hill....we got her back to bed. She claims all that hurts is the tailbone. All of a sudden she yells again and we had a major mess to clean up. I cleaned her up and the diarrhea....the next time she made it to the bathroom and now again. I have just given her bedtime pills.

As I tucked her in she told me I was a good woman....she said "I never knew you were a good woman" than quiet and "I never knew how good your daddy was until he died". What does one say to that? I feel so sorry for her. I came out here and had a good cry. John reminded me how he loved me and he always knew I was a good woman....he than asked me why she never knew this. My gut says she looked for our faults and that kept her from seeing any good in us. That is sobering.

This needs to be a lesson to each of us to tell our husbands and wives and children how much we love them and point out their strengths.

I am concerned mom may get dehydrated again so tomorrow I will be on high alert. You all can be in prayer for her. Pray for understanding for me. She told me tonight I am kind...far kinder than she was to dad. I told her she was my mom but I saw the sadness in her eyes.

Mom was confused tonight really getting angry when I told her she had a bout of diarrhea yesterday. She did not remember at all. I told her she can ask the nurse and she could assure her I was not making it up....than she said, I know I am mixed up, I can remember years ago and last year but not day to day anymore. Again I saw that sadness. It breaks my heart.

So today was a bittersweet day.....I am glad she sees I have good in me but I feel such a loss she never really saw it before.

A BUSY WEEK-END

I just had to add these new pictures of "Woody". He is a constant entertainment for us. He really is a funny fellow.

On Friday mom's brother and wife arrived at Harrisonburg and came out to see us. It is always great to see Uncle Harold and Aunt Irene. Mom sure looked forward to the visit. On Sat. morning we met them along with my cousin Beth and her husband Keith (who were her celebrating their oldest son's graduation from college) at IHOP. It really was a lot of fun to be together. I noticed mom was having a hard time eating but she got her pancaked down finally. She enjoyed it so much but instead of more of a ride she asked to come straight home. When she could hardly walk up the ramp and had to sit and rest I was concerned. I knew the two days added excitement and it also was hot.....but soon I knew there could be trouble. She had several bad accidents and than told me she could not urinate. She barely made it back to bed so I called home health care and they said take her to ER. Mom is very proper but told me she did not care to dress again and would have to go in her gown. They took her right in and found she had acute dehydration and gave her an IV and a good dose of Imodium. We brought her home in 3 hours.

The accidents continued through the night and Sunday AM but finally enough Imodium took care of that. She was so weak she stayed in bed all day. But I am at my wits end....I cannot get her to drink. I am doing good to get in 12-16 ounces a day.....She was hard to deal with all day.

I hoped today she would be clearer but she was a mess in her emotions this morning and I almost lost my patience but stayed calm on the outside......I had to go and get my meds in town and so I enjoyed the ride in the beautiful valley here to adjust my emotions. Driving and praising God as I drive helps and than on the way home I talked to Crystal and Nicole and that always is a shot in the arm for me.

The home heath nurse came soon after I came home and gave mom a good talking to but she had to call the doctor because moms heat rate is only 47....so I am waiting for a call back about that. I did get some Gatorade in her and 1/2 of a homemade sub and some jello. But she is back to sleeping and is really weak.

I am having a hard time going back over things again and again.....where she will be buried, how much that will cost, how she wants to go and be with daddy and all the things I have done wrong in the past. I know part of this is the dementia and some is just mom. I refuse to allow her bitterness to ruin my days......I just wish she would change gears for a bit. So prayer for me is needed.

John is frustrated about the job search and so that adds to the stress level for me. I know God is in control but I sure wish he would move mountains for a job for John. Money is very low and expenses are high. So please pray for relief here.

If you have time remember mom with cards and I welcome calls.....days can get long and lonely for me.

Mom is sick again.

Mom has another UTI and is having a bad day. The wound nurse will be coming to check on the sore on her tailbone. He told me today for mom to have kidney's that function she has to drink 64 ounces a day...she barely drinks 12....so we need prayers. He said the kidneys are in bad shape.

She also is fighting awful depression and so he added Zoloft today.....she cried the last 2 days because she wanted daddy. I am worn out but she needs lots of tender care.

John just left to go and get her meds from Harrisonburg.....maybe she will have a better night.

She was so confused again at times with the doctor.....it may be the toxins again from her kidneys....than the next time she can talk sense.....it is such a off and on thing.

HAPPY EASTER

He is Risen.....He is Risen Indeed!

These are just a few snapshots of our small Easter wonders.....The daffodils are so beautiful this spring. I so enjoy having them in my flower beds.

Mom is having a bad day again.....so down and so negative. I simply cannot get her out of the "what I wanted out of life" to "this is life how can we enjoy it". Some of it is depression, some the dementia and some her unwillingness to look for the good in the day instead of the bad.

I love mom but so often she teaches me what not to do by her being so negative. This is something dad tried to help her with too. Dad never saw the bad....he looked for the good. He found the good in each person he met and he took it a step more....he prayed that person would grow more in the good. He wanted people to be blessed.

This morning we watched a service form the church we were part of in Florida, It is called Northland A Church Distributed....We do this almost every Sunday as we love the message Dr. Joel Hunter brings from the Word of God and the music is simply wonderful! If you ever are in this part of Florida make sure you visit for a service and check out this site:

http://www.northlandchurch.net/

The message is from John 20:11-17.

He shared about the Questions Mary asked Jesus.....this is what hit me...."When God asks you a question it is not for information but investigation......For us to investigate our own answers.

Why are you weeping?

We complain about the government ,the church and live in fear and than go to church and raise our hands and sing "Our God Reigns" or a song about Him being in control. If He is in control that why do we grumble and complain? Is He or is He not in control and do we believe that. Joel reminded us that these things are sure not a good advertisement for God at all. AMEN! We must be looking forward to what God is doing and what He is planning for us. The bottom line is either you trust God or you don't.

"What Can I give you?"

He had to call her by name for her to know who He is....Does He not call us by name everyday and do we see who He is? He tells her to go and tell he has Risen.....maybe she thought things would be the same when she saw Him but they would never be the same. Because of His death and Resurrection things will never be the same.....The old has passed away and all things are new. We can have a deep and personal relationship with Jesus! But more than that we can also know the power of His Resurrection.

Phil.3:10-11 says it all and I like the Amplified Bible here for these verses.....

"[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]
That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Easter is about our resurrection everyday from our circumstances....Looking to what He has planned for us.

We had a late lunch and mom ate like a trooper! But did cry and was bitter that dad is gone to the point she felt it hard to see John and I still have each other.....I just patted her hand and told her we love her.....How I wish she would feel the power of His resurrection!

It is a beautiful day and I will rejoice in it!

How about you?

MOM AND NATURE

These pictures John took after mom yelled for us to come back to her room. This Pileated Woodpecker was only 25 feet from her window. What you can't see is that there is a decayed piece of wood and he was getting a lot of good food from it. I think we watched him a good 5 minutes. Nature gives us such pleasure when we take time to just enjoy it.

Mom is eating like a horse.....here is a sample.

Last night I cooked a pork roast and has a casserole of sauerkraut that had sliced apples in it and brown sugar with broth from the roast. I made mashed potatoes too. Mom had 3 helpings.

If I cook what she likes she will eat and at this time eating anything is a plus.

Her joy comes from shuffling stuff from one drawer to another and back again. She is excited to have her stuff again. She does forget where some things are and also what she left in the home she sold in Florida. So we tell her again and again....

She does sleep quite a lot......her strength is just not there. She has been coming out for lunch and supper but I spoil her with breakfast in bed. She has a hospital table and so that makes it easy for her. She has not been able to read at all and cannot work her puzzles. This all frustrates her and we hear outbursts from her room.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store for her....she wanted Honey Buns, good hoop cheese, split pea soup, stuff to make tomato gravy on fried potatoes and ice cream sandwiches. Her new love is white cheese crackers and I get them for her....we hope the salt makes her drink because she will not drink and I worry about more bladder infections and with chronic kidney disease it is a concern.

We will be home for Easter. I have a small ham, sweet potatoes, green beans red beet eggs and a cake. I hope to make it as festive time. I sure will miss our kids and grand kids....

Aunt Gladys gave me a "Caregivers Journal" and this week I have been journaling on "It is a Privilege". Matthew 25:40 gave me a start,

"And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

In the eyes of the world mom's dependence on John and myself makes her "a least one". But she is my mother and she cared for me when I was a "least one". Now it is my privilege to care for her.

1 Timothy 5:8 says,

"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. "

Mom is now a member of our household and this is a mandate for John and I to do our best. It is a strange thing to have mom rely on me.....a reversal of roles.....but one I do want to do for her and for the Lord. Pray for us because we are learning.....

MOM IS HOME

and resting but exhausted!

Please pray this will be an easy transition for all of us.

She still is on a ton of meds. I took her to Bob Evans for a meal and it was overload but she enjoyed it a lot.....even ate an egg, bacon and a biscuit. A lot for her!

Remember her with cards and calls please.

2637 Hopkins Drive
Massanutten,
Va.
22840

540-908-3097

PRAY:
She will continue to eat.
She has bowel problems and that is tough on her,
She will settle down.....she is pushy right now....
John still needs a job.