BEFORE AND AFTER

Our front yard is such a wonderful and beautiful spot. Fall is beautiful and this dogwood tree is really a brilliant red.

I have meant to do this ever since we moved to Franklin, Ga. But as you all will see we had our work cut out for us. It has been the most rewarding adventure of my life. I have been so thankful for John's ability to see what needs to be done and the fact the Lord allowed him to have the strength to do it along with the help of Ryan and our friends Douglas and Jane. Without the 3 of them we would not have been able to do it as quickly as we did.

These pictures only show the before pictures after we took out bags of garbage out so that we could walk and see the place. The other reason is many of those bags contained raw garbage and the smell was a killer!

This is the kitchen before we cleaned it up. It had not had a stove of refrigerator for a long time. We were told they were sold to make the meth....The roaches were in plenty in this kitchen....it gave me a fit to even be in there but I toughened up and got it clean! Than as I cleaned John came behind and caulked so they would be sealed out. The furniture left here was full of stains, roaches and the smoke smell....the combination was horrible. We kept nothing.....

This is looking out the kitchen window now. John loves his plants and so we added the stand for the winter. I love doing the dishes and watching the birds. Our land goes back the path in the center of the picture.

The dinning area was piled to the ceiling with bags and boxes. This was a horrible build in that was also full of roaches and we had to pull it out so we could add a bit of room for our dinning table.

The dinning area is now a wonderful place to eat. I have the table set for John's birthday here and the pecan pie cake I made was a real keeper! We had our neighbor couple over for the meal and I used the china that Nicole gave me several years ago.

The living area was full of garbage and 2 huge sofas. The door had been forced open by the GBI when they did the raid on this house. Our friend Kenny was helping change the locks. This carpet was blue at one time.....these folks had at least 4 dogs in here and had never cleaned the carpet......full ash trays were in plenty and you would not have dared to sit on the furniture!

I am so thankful that we could change the carpets and make the living areas a wonderful place to be. I watch birds from my chair and just feel at such peace. We gave away over 1/2 of our furniture and stuff but we have now what we need. I like that we could simply our lives.

The yard was full of trash.....beer cans....an ugly fire pit with 5 gallon cans cans for seats all around it. John collected 45 tires from all over the yard. The barn/shed was full of 7 couches and garbage bags to the roof. It filled a 30 foot construction dumpster and John had to haul off a ton of junk beside that and burned wood for 5 days. We still have the tires to get rid of the tires.

The front yard had stuff growing as tall as we are and it took days to mow it down....all we had was a push mower and the neighbors joked it was a bush hog for John. But he got the job done.

I have more pictures but I think you all get the feel of the place......It is now a wonderful home and we love it! There is much work to be done but that will come. Right now John needs to rest and get back his strength. You all come and see us!

It is a beautiful day here at Massanutten. This photo John took in Shenandoah National Park. It is called Pitt Spring Run. He has been enjoying getting out to snap pictures. We stayed in the 70's yesterday and it was quite cool last night.

Mom is hanging on in a way. Her desire to go and be with daddy is strong and her focus is on that. She has a birthday coming .....June 18....and she wants to be gone by than. It is depressing to go into her room and know this is what you are going to hear. Now I understand living with your husband for 65 years and him not being with you now must be hard. That I understand.

Last night I was thinking about this and hoping I would never put my kids through this. As I lay there it came to me....I can chose to live each day I have to the fullest. I can and will be grateful for what I do have and those around me that I love. I will do whatever I can to lighten the load of those I meet. I will care for the earth God gave us and continue to enjoy the nature He gave us to enjoy. I will allow His joy to fill my heart.

You may ask why I am sharing this......mom has always held a lot of bitterness and resentment in her heart. Sometimes she can hide it but as this dementia gets worse those feelings are so toxic and strong. I often get very heavy just having to go back that hall to care for her. My cheerfulness upsets her and she will remark why an I happy....I can barely walk she will tell me and I have a sick husband. I tell her that at least I can get around and I love John just as he is and she tells me to go on out......Or she may tell me look at my 2 front teeth that are missing and telling me don't I see nobody cares......and I tell he at least I can still chew my food.....and so that is our sharing time......If I show her pictures of the grand kids she will brighten.

We will be in our old age the worst we are now......The bad points seem to come to the surface.

Mon has stayed in a negative frame of mind and she has become stuck in that frame.
When we look at all the inner clutter that is in our lives, hearts and souls, what do we find? We find resentments.Resentment is a lack of acceptance and a lack of forgiveness. This leads to bitterness and we all know bitterness kills.
I love the story of Joseph. Read this verse.....

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 (NIV)
You might want to read or re-read his inspiring story from Genesis 30-50. Joseph is a good example of someone who turned the offenses of others against him into good not only for himself but the ones who offended him. Because he found victory over his offenses, he saved a nation and a people.

This quote sums it up for me.....

"The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals." (Loren Fincher)

Think about the clutter in your life and with God's help clean it up and enjoy life.....God gives us the gift of life and we need to show others how to grow older with Hid joy and the zest for life....living each day we have with gratitude.

I love my mom but how I wish she would have accepted the Joy of the Lord and let go of the bitterness she has stored up all he life......I will learn from her!

SNOW DAYS

We sure are living in a "Winter Wonderland". I am reminded of this by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Come, see the north-wind's masonry, Out of an unseen quarry evermore Furnished with tile, the fierce artificer Curves his white bastions with projected roof Round every windward stake, or tree, or door. Speeding, the myriad-handed, his wild work So fanciful, so savage, naught cares he For number or proportion.

I watched the beauty around us unfold and I was reminded of how the beautiful white covers the dirty spots and transforms them into beauty. God does that for us. He takes the mess of our lives and makes them pure and white.

As for mom...she is doing OK some days and slipping the next. As I told the nurse I am never sure which one I will see in the morning nor do I know which one will be there when I take her night pills and tuck her in. I know she is lonely and gets no visitors. It has been at least 3 months since anyone was here she knew. The boys do go back from time to time as well as their mother and that is good....we did get her out to a birthday tea for the oldest boy I home school. But she went right back into her safe little world. Her appetite is getting less and less except for her snacks....Uncle Bobby's made her day with a package of chocolates, Pa. Dutch Bologna and books to read. Than a friend of mine sent her some more books, socks and good smelling soap. These packages are very special to mom and let her know she is still loved. She needs that. I am reminded that her days are numbered and I try to enjoy the good times we have.

I think we had around 20 inches of snow and these pictures taken from inside the house tell the story.

Sick and Our Anniversary

I have been so sick with the H1N1 or swine flu and I had pneumonia with it. I am slowly gaining back some strength.

Yesterday laughter and song came from our home....what a treat! It was our 21st anniversary!

Mary Ellen the mom of the 2 boys I home school arranged for her whole family to come and bring finger foods to celebrate our special day. She knows how I miss family! So they came at 10AM. I have added pictures of the families that were here.....This is her, her husband and my 2 boys!

Grandma and grandpa Shirk are just simply precious! They have welcomed us into the family with open arms and I can tell you I miss my grandma and the aunties more when I am around them!

Fred and Lois and their 4 children.....Fred was a cook when mom and dad were at the Mennonite home here and they loved him! He is a pastor also. He had a wonderful devotions for us.....than his one daughters read a beautiful poem. Mom remembers him and they have a special relationship that brings her peace.

Eunice and Steve and their 7 kids....they are the ones that have a market down from us and allowed me to sell my felt items there and cards. Eunice and I have a special sister relationship and I treasure her family! The younger ones sang a carol and Natalie the oldest plays the harp and the one next to her sang in a most beautiful clear voice. Natalie played the harp as we sang many carols.

Mom and Steve's youngest daughter....She loves mom and mom responds to her too. Mom wants to have a tea party with her next week.

The boys surprised me with saying Luke 2 together and they did it without a mistake! We had homemade cookies, fruit trays, tortilla wraps and she made the best tortillas from scratch! Garden Pizza and I made meatballs and a cheese tray. What good food! I was wiped by the time they left....but happy. I just cannot get my strength back and still cough a lot...my voice is coming back a bit at a time. Ryan told me yesterday I did not sound older than grandma. He says it like he sees it! Last night was rough but this morning I feel a bit better. This swine flu is awful! Yesterday was the best anniversary we had and we are grateful for precious new family!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgivings in the past are so much fun to remember! I had 2 families that celebrated the holiday with family meals and fun with cousins!

Let's take a trip to the Aunties first.....Donegal Springs Road, Mount Joy, Pa..... a beautiful brick house with a wide front porch.....but the best part of getting there was to see who else was there.Of course as you entered the front room you got hugs and kisses from Aunt Fannie, Aunt Elizabeth and Aunt Emily.....I remember the smells as you got inside.....Maybe Uncle Ben's were there and of course that meant Don, Joyce and Ken.....or Uncle Luke's....Jay Leon and Don would be there....Herb's, Edward's, Wilbur's, Uncle Amos and Aunt Mabel, and maybe Elizabeth and cousins from Virginia....what fun we had! I remember oysters, turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry relish, vegetables, relish trays and more.....that the wonderful pies, cake, cookies and that great ice cream.....as kids we would take a bowl and mix it good and eat it with pretzel sticks.....now that was fun! The adults would talk and we kids would play. Than we would eat again.

Now we go to Grandma Shearer's. I only really remember the meals after grandpa died. She would stretch that table so we would all fit there....Her turkey was perfection! So golden brown. Her dressing the best with saffron threads and the grave was the greatest! Uncle Bobby's lived down the lane so you knew they would be there....Jean and RD were precious to me and what fun we had in that basement....toys, shuffle board and games....Now if it were really special the cousins were there from Florida.....Uncle Harold's....Mary Lynn, Gave and Beth~ Grandma made the best opera fudge and what a treat! Do you know my grandma's favorye part of the turkey was the neck....to each his own!

Than I had my family and I remember each Thanksgiving.....some were with us alone but many with the Kemp/Blocker Family and talk about fun! They were are extended family since we lived away from our Pa. family. They took us in and filled the void we had for missing our family and cousins...we did go home to Pa. the my grandma's and to the Engle Family. Each gave my kids a feeling of family, love and tradition. Than came John and his family....how Nana loved to serve holiday meals in style. We miss her too and John's 2 sisters.

Thanksgiving to me is the best holiday.....I love fall and love family and the traditions. We each need to stop and hold those we love very close to us. We need to build our family traditions and above all we need to stop and give thanks to our Heavenly Father for all his love and all His grace. We need to be thankful for Salvation and a roof over our heads.....for the food we have and the comforts we take for granted.

Life can throw us curves but we must take this time to count our blessings~

John and I find ourselves alone today and yes, mom is here but bitter and she chooses to stay in her room. I have cooked a turkey that was a gift and as we speak the dressing (with saffron), vegetables are roasting, sweet potatoes browning, and cranberry sauce ready. We received a pecan pie and that is our special treat!

John is struggling today with his chiari and sprinx......he has a awful headache and has had to lay down a lot.....but I am thankful I have him! We have each other and that is a great gift! We face each day hoping for a treatment that will help and researching all we can. When you are without a job and insurance few want to see you. I know the answer will come.

I have the blessing of homeschooling 2 boys to bring on some income and what a blessing! Yes, it stretches me but it is income.....They have adopted is and I love that!

That brings me to last Sat. night.....the boys family invited us to their family Thanksgiving and I made mom go.....What a loving group of Mennonite people....just like the Aunties and grandma's and we were guests of honor with all the love we needed! This was the first social time we had since we came to Virginia. Do you know what that meant to us? One of the Son in Laws was the cook at VMRC when Mom and dad lived there. Fred was good for her. The only sad thing was she forgot what dad had when he had polio and dimly seemed to remember the hospital stay. She did not think he was in the hospital 5 weeks. She does not want to go out again but she may just have too. I saw how much I missed fellowship.

Mom came out and ate with us because I refused to take her a tray. She went back quickly and had little to say. She would not allow me to remind her of the things I mentioned here....she said that is all dead to her now....if only she could enjoy the life she has. She told us she seldom has enjoyed gatherings....I long for them! How I miss daddy!

Here are a few prayer requests....
1. Wisdom to know how to handle mom with John getting worse.
2. That disability will come through.
3. That I am able to stretch the Food Stamps as that is our only food money to use.
4. That we may find help for John....someone has to be able to help.
5. We can some how make the rent this month.
6. That I can deal with the pain I feel from being away from my kids. I need that support.

I awoke with this some on my mind today....maybe you can sing it with me....I remember Aunt Emily singing this.

HE GIVETH MORE GRACE
Annie J. Flint
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.


Yes, He gives and He gives and gives again! That makes life worth living!
Happy Thanksgiving!

WE ARE NOT AS STRONG AS WE THINK WE ARE and Dad

Rich Mullins wrote a song called ,

"We Are Not As Strong As We Think We Are"

Well, it took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

~~
And they say that one day Joshua
Made the sun stand still in the sky
But I can't even keep these thoughts Of you
from passing by
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are
~~

We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are

And the Master said their faith was
Gonna make them mountains move
But me, I tremble like a hill on a fault line
Just at the thought of how I lost you
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

CHORUS

And if you make me laugh well I know
I could make you like me
Cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun
But we can't do that I know that it is frightening
What I don't know is why we can't hold on
We can't hold on

CHORUS
When you love you walk on the water
Just don't stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin' awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are.
***********************************
Life is like that for me right now......I look strong.....I laugh.....I trust but inside I am not as strong as you think I am.

I see needs meet for each day.....I see John's sleep improve......I watch nature but I do not feel as strong as you think I am.

This week was the anniversary of dad's death and it hit me hard. You know I did rely on his cheerfulness, his strength and his wisdom. I did not always like it but he was walking with the Lord and it lined up with his beliefs.

Pastor Joel Hunter from Northland in Orlando preached today ( we watch it every Sunday morning and wish we were there) and his subject was hypocrites.....
He said we all fit in three areas:
We believe
We are non believers
Or we are make believers.

He fears that number 1 and 3 are not too far apart.....
But with dad that was not true. He believed and he lived it to the fullest!

With a hypocrite it is all about themselves and with a believer it is all about God. Dadused to say this....Aunt Emily taught him this....and me too.

J....Jesus First
O...others next
Y....yourself last.

How true and he lived that. He was one JOY filled man!

He said in closing that the results of being a hypocrite is we do not have intimacy that we desire with God.
We can never love fully or be loved fully.
This spills into our personal lives too. Here is a fact he gave.....Kids learn from what we say but become what they see. I have failed here many times....that I know. You see I know the "Book". I read it over and over but where I fail is I do not always live it.....I may try but I fail. That does not make me a hypocrite but a work in progress......Dad had to learn lessons too but what I saw taught me a lot. He talked too but most of my learning was by his actions....let me share a few.

~He served wherever and when ever the church asked him too.
~He was always content and dealt with mom never being content.....but he never yelled at her but prayed and accepted she would not change.....how do I know that? He wrote to me about it. It was a huge hurt for him but his example was greater than his pain!
~he loved the Mennonite Church and was a loyal Anabaptist. That never wavered!
~He loved his family and so wanted me to have brothers and sisters but not mom and that was another hurt to him. So he helped many a teen when we were in Harrisburg, Pa at the mission, he taught Bible School at Steelton and Harrisburg missions and mentored many. He was an example to so many and after his death I heard from one of those young men from Harrisburg....he says he was a pastor because dad gave him his first Bible and stayed by his side.

I think dad may say to me today if he was here that he was not as strong as I thought he was.
Oh how I miss him! I need his wisdom, compassion and guidance for I feel so weak.

They closed today with this song......it is my desire....

Reign In Us
Starfield

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus:]
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus]
We cry out
For your love to refine us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us blameless until you return
********************************************

We took mom out last night but she was negative about everything. She lives in bitterness.
I told her the day after dad died a year ago and she said she knew it was soon but forgot the day. I tend to think she knew.

Today she slept until 12:30 and asked me to leave her alone. So I will. She said she wants to talk to nobody today. So I will care for her and be quiet. It is wearing on me bad. When she does talk she puts on this cheer but as soon as she is off she will tell me how her life never was what she wanted and how others live perfect....I think not.

John has 2 more weeks before he can have a full report on his health....no meds yet and he needs them to interview. So we wait. That is so hard. His sleep is better and he does feel some energy at times.

Monday we find out of the job he interviewed at 3 times is his. Pray with us this works out if it is in God's plan. We find it hard to ask for help....both of us feel like failures when we must. That weakens me so.

We will hear from a team to guide us this week....pray we are teachable. Being exhausted makes me weak in this area too.

Love each of you~!

I NEVER KNEW

I took this picture this morning outside the front door.

It has been a long time since I updated this bog. It has been the darkest time for me. But I am learning a lot.

I never knew my patience could be so tested.....but I never once lost my temper.

I never knew that cooking what mom asks for could be so trying....but I have made that extra meal 3 times a day with a smile on my face.

I never knew what bitterness can do.....but I have made sure I never allow it in my life.

I never knew how much one can miss their kids .....but I remember their hugs and laughter and treasure them.

I never knew what lonely really felt like....but I have used my time to learn and draw closer to God.

I never knew I would care for 2 people at once.....but I have learned about each illness and am adjusting.

I never knew how hard it is to see your husband cannot work right now....but I have learned to power of love not judgement.

I never knew what sleep apnea can do and has done.... but I have understanding now.

I never knew what desperation can do to a body.....but I have learned the power of 5 minute "mind vacations" can do for you.

I never knew how hard it would be to ask family for help.....but I have felt the joy and gratitude for the help that came.

I never knew how hard it would be to go and chat with a stranger about our needs....but the relief when he treated me like a human and not a charity case.

I never knew the gratitude I would feel for a hospital program.....but they came through with the CPAC for John without cost.

I never knew the weariness of sleeping light in order to see if John was still breathing.....but each time he was still with me and I was full of joy!

I never thought a stranger would offer career counseling for John.....but they have.

I never knew how precious one new friend can be.....but I met this Mennonite family and love them!

I never knew how precious bartering for food can be.....but we have fresh potatoes, cherry tomatoes, green beans and a pie for mom because of this.

I never knew the daily joy of seeing deer,fox, skunks, squirrels and other creatures bring.....but they visit us daily.

I never knew praying could exhaust someone so much.....but the power of prayer works!

I never knew the power of what a cousin could say to me on Face Book....but it relaxed me and gave me the faith I needed for that night~ Thank you Joy!~

I never knew the depth of the grace of the Lord until now....but I now have felt that "Deep love of Jesus.....vast, unmeasured, boundless, free...."
http://www.hymntime.com/tch/htm/o/t/othedeep.htm

I never knew the pain of being told no.....but it has taught me I can always give something to someone in need.

I never knew how much I need to relax......but I am learning to live I must....

I never knew what exhausted really is.....but I now see others that are suffering too.

I never knew how much we were loved.....But I know now!!!!!

How about singing with me Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.......