TAKING CARE OF MOTHER

A NEW VEGETABLE FOR ME....CHINESE BROCCOLI

2011-04-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

Our neighbors gave us some plants this Spring and there were 4 Chinese Broccoli plants. She remarked she had no idea what it was and I was not sure. It is also known as gai lan.
I have been researching it and last night was my first try at cooking with it. I decided to go with the blanching first. I read I needed to cut the stems on a diagonal after pulling the leaves off. I discarded the largest leaves. I had the water boiling and added about a teaspoon sea salt and tablespoon sugar. I added the stems and cooked them about 3 minutes and took them out with a slotted spoon and into ice water. Than I added the chopped leaves and boiled them for about 2 minutes and into the ice water.
About an hour before I this I had sliced a round steak very thin and marinated it in the following:
6 tablespoons light soy sauce
6 tablespoons red wine
1 tablespoon sugar
2 tablespoon cornstarch
few drops of sesame oil
1Tablespoon olive oil
Now it was time to drain the meat.
Next I cooked a pack of Ramen Noodles and drained them and set them aside.
I sliced 4 garlic cloves
1 onion
1 sweet bell pepper
3 Tablespoons candied ginger
2 hot peppers
and fried them until the garlic was brown and than added the beef and cooked it for about 5-6 minutes or until it was tender.
I stirred into that about a cup of stir fry vegetables and cooked that until tender.
I pushed all that to one side and added 1 cup of beef stock and the 4 tablespoons of soy sauce, 4 tablespoons wine and 2 tablespoon cornstarch I had blended together and brought it to a boil. I added the noodles and Chinese Broccoli and stirred until it was well coated with the sauce. I added about 1/2 cup Trader Joe's Generals sauce before serving it.
This may be as clear as mud.....I honestly read and combined many recipes to use what I had in my pantry. Going to the store is not an option right now. We loved the broccoli and marveled that it was still a bright jade green.
So many recipes mentioned it was bitter and I did not find it to be so. Next time I will cook just the broccoli.

THINGS I LIVE TO HAVE IN MY PANTRY AND FRIDGE

2011-04-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

This is our favorite coffee. I was one happy camper when I found this at a Discount Grocery Store. When we lived in Atlanta we would go to Harry's Market and but German coffee. There we paid top dollar for it but I learned it worked for John and I because it has low acid from a unique processing they do. This is a quote I found about this coffee: "Dallmayr coffee is good for people with coffee/stomach sensitivities". We have found this to be true.
After we moved away I was never successful in finding any German coffee and I would have to have 2 cups of coffee but now that we found it again I can enjoy the third cup. If you all can find this coffee you will find a unique smooth cup that starts the day in a wonderful way.

If you want a strong robust cup of coffee that this French Roast is for you. I make a pot of this every now and than because I have to be honest and say sometimes I need a jolt in the morning and this will do it! After the storms on Friday night that kept us up until after 2:30 I was up at my regular time and as dawn broke I was sipping on a cup of this wonderful French Roast and I soon was wide awake. This is a very bold but yet smooth cup of coffee.

If you are a tea lover that I will share my favorites with you.

I like a cup of Earl Grey Tea with a sprig of mint on a rainy afternoon. I do not use any kind of sweetner in any of my teas. I want to taste the tea only. Some time ago I found this tea has health benefits. You can see some at this site:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/572963/health_benefits_of_earl_grey_tea.html?cat=68

Recently a friend gave me a few bags of Tea forte' teas. This was a new brand to me and I am impressed. I love the lemon sorbetti. I love the citrus taste that seems to have a sweet taste. I am ready to try more. Check out all they offer here.
http://www.teaforte.com/store/gourmet-tea/

I am sure all of you that drink tea know how wonderful Stash Teas are and my favorite are Licorice Spice and Lemon Ginger. Both of these are herbal teas and I love the have several cups of tea in the afternoon.
My favorite mint tea comes from Trader Joe's and I want this in the evening before bed.

I like a treat with my mid afternoon tea and this is a very special treat on a cracker on in a stalk of crisp celery.

The first here is raw and unsalted but it is still a wonderful taste. My favorite is the creamy and salted Almond Butter. I have had almond butter from many stores but by far Trader Joe's is my favorite. To be honest Trader Joe's is my favorite store. When we lived in Midtown Atlanta we had one close by and I did most of my grocery shopping there. If you have never been to a Trader Joe's you are missing a wonderful store that is affordable and yet good with a selection that will surprise you. This Friday we are going to visit Trader Joe's and I am so excited! I have to tell you this....
" *All Products In The Trader Joe's Label Promise:
NO artificial flavors, colors or preservatives
NO genetically modified ingredients
NO MSG
NO added Trans Fats"Here you will see if any are close to you. Make sure you check out the recipes!
http://www.traderjoes.com/

This General's Sauce is another "best" from Trader Joe's. John loves General's Chicken when we eat at any Chinese Restaurant. But with this sauce and my panko crumb chicken and great rice we do not need to eat out anymore. I get wonderful rice and the best panko crumbs at Trader Joe's too. Can you tell I love this place?
These products are a must in my fridge.

I love to cook with hers and these allow me to do that. No how much I try when I buy these fresh it seems like some always goes to waste. With this I have fresh for 3 months. They are gluten free and are grown without pesticides or herbicides.
This site will give you GREAT recipes and lots of information on each product. You can sigh up free. I spend a lot of time there and make some great food by combining several just to our likes. One I plan to make is the
Italian Sausage & Potato Strata with Basil & Oregano. I am adding some of the chili for a bit of pop!
http://www.gourmetgarden.com/us/homes/

A THRIST QUENCHER AND TREASURES

2011-04-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

It is a cloudy day in Georgia. They say we may have storms tonight. I hope it is not a repeat of last week. That was one mean storm we had! We are to have some bad ones tonight.
I love to read blogs and I saw a wonderful idea for water. I want you all to check out Marmee's
http://marmeespantry.blogspot.com/2011/04/easy-refreshing-thirst-quencher.html
I saw the Thirst Quencher and thought....I am getting up and making that right away. I love oranges and I love Rosemary so I sure would like the combination. So here is what I did:

I went out and picked some Rosemary and sliced a orange and put that in my favorite depression glass pitcher. I was getting ready for a tea time with John (mom refused to come out) and set it on my favorite Antique sideboard that came from my great Aunties. John came in and asked what it was and I talked him into trying it and he also felt it was refreshing. His other comment was that it looked so pretty and he thought my presentation made him want to try it.....OK that is fine with me but I just set it there to wipe the table. That is our secret.

The clock you see is a antique John was given when his father passed away. It came down in the Godfrey family and was traced back to a relative that was a sea Captain out of Savannah, Georgia. He kept it in his Captains Quarter in the ship.It is called "Art And Commerce" and made by Ansonia. John treasures this clock

One of my treasures is the blue cup and saucer. It came from my precious Grandma Shearer. It does not have a handle.The one behind it does not have a handle either and I think it came from my Aunties. Here is a close up of the blue one. And no....the handle is not broken off.

It is very dainty and although I would love to use it I don't because I am afraid it will break.
It has been a long day. I started this early this morning and went with John today to get mulch and see my friend. I just made another pitcher of Rosemary and Orange water for tomorrow.

FRESH FROM OUR GARDEN!

2011-04-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to make a fresh salad fresh from our garden.

There are 2 kinds of lettuce and arugula. They are so crisp and tender! So the main part of our meal is salad.

Mom wanted a salad but she is not dressing and therefore she wants all meals in her room so I made her a separate salad. John does not really care for tomatoes so I will add them to my salad. All I added was cukes, carrots, onion and red and green sweet peppers
I had some beautiful tilapia thawed and decided to fry that in Panko crumbs.
Panko flakes (or crumbs) are Japanese breadcrumbs. When used for frying, they produce a
lighter, crunchier coating that´s more tender and delicate. They seem to absorb less oil and stay crisp longer
than regular crumbs.

I season mine with Italian seasonings and Hot Hungarian Paprika.

On the other side of the plate is flour with freshly ground sea salt and freshly ground pepper with garlic powder. I dip the fillets in the flour than in milk with 2 beaten eggs with a good dash of hot sauce. They go into the panko crumb mixture and this is what you get.

I allow them to air dry on my rack for about 5 minutes and than fry them in a good oil. I added the brand of Panko Crumbs box that you can get in most grocery stores. My favorite panko crumbs come from Trader Joe's.

My husband gave me a compliment that any cook wants to hear...."This fish is the best you ever made and sure is better than what you get when you eat out". The salad was the star of the meal to me.

I want to show you the raised bed John made for me. We have rabbits that eat greens they tell us so he re-purposed a above the ground swimming pool that was trashed. He is a genius when it comes to using materials. Our neighbors brought us the plants we have in this one.

I have 4 of these. One has my garlic and a few onions and the other two are waiting for seeds to plant herbs. This week I hope to get them and get them started. The danger of frost is about over for this area.
We cannot afford vegetables at the cost they are now and so I am praying this garden will give us a wonderful yield.

I WON!

2011-04-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

I first got a notice that I won a book from Michelle over at Give A Girl A Fig. If you never have visited this blog than you need to go and visit. It is so pleasing to the eye and easy to find your way around. But more than that she will inspire you to be a better woman for your family and for the Lord. I look forward to her posts and I am never disappointed.
Thank you Michelle!
http://giveagirlafig.blogspot.com/

Here is what I just opened. I have wanted this so much. The Lord does know the desires of your heart.

A day later I got a email from Ruby for Women to tell me I had won a book there. Now I never win but I do so love to encourage ladies by leaving comments. I have already read some of this book today. I know I can recommend it by the things I have gleaned. It is called "I DO" by Gladys Hunt and Keith Hunt. I will share more from this book I am sure. Make sure you visit all the Christian Ladies at Ruby for Women at:
http://rubyforwomen.ning.com/

Earlier this week a package came for mom from a sweet lady I met through another blog. She wanted to make a shawl for mom and she sure did! It is beautiful and so soft and mom loves to wrap herself up in it. She allowed me to have it to take a photo but wanted to make sure it would be right back. If you want another great blog to visit make sure you go to see Plain Pam. I want to say she is a real Titus 2 lady and if you read what she writes you will learn. I have tried many of her recipes and they sure are good! She is a dear Mennonite lady.
http://plainpamsblog.blogspot.com/
Here is the shawl.

Last thing I want to share is something I signed up for to share. It is called Celebrate Urban Birds and the poster, sticker, lesson ideas and sunflower seeds that came today are simply beautiful! You can get yours here:
http://www.birds.cornell.edu/celebration/GettingStarted/kit

I sure had a good week when it comes to the mail and friends.

EMPTY NEST OR A NEW ADVENTURE

2011-04-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

I thought today I would use my felt bears(that I love to make) to share a topic near and dear to my heart. I simply loved having my 3 children at home. In fact I hated when breaks were over and they had to go back to school. I missed them so much when summer vacation was over and back they went. There are 7 years between the girls and 8 years passed when Ryan joined us. I really got to enjoy each of the children alone because of the years between. I liked that. Our home always seemed the place the kids friends gathered and I welcomed that. One way to learn to know their friends was to have them around and join us in fun. It was not unusual for one of their friends to live with us for a season. I often got up late when they needed something to eat and make it and join them. These were happy days for me.
When my oldest left home I missed that girl so much. I missed her friends and I missed all the ups and downs we had. When her daughter was born I learned the joy of being a grandma and keeping her daily was so much fun. She was a good baby, a girl that loved to be read to and learned quickly. Than her baby brother was born and I had 2 to watch while their parents worked. He was a cuddle bug! But this all came to an end when we moved to Atlanta. That was the year the second daughter left for college too and I was really at a loss. I felt emptiness and really was not prepared for these feelings.
With Ryan I homeschooled him and that gave me wonderful time to spend with him. We often had tea mid afternoon and that was the time we learned about a composer and listen to the music, or I would read a poem and we would learn about the poet or we read a book and learned about the author. Those were precious times to this mom! It was during this time that my husband's mother came to live with us and his uncle. So we had to turn our energy to their needs to. After Uncle Joe died and Nana declined Nicole moved back home to help me. I relished the time I had with her again. She was now a grown up lady and I was proud of her.
Several days before 9-11 Nana passed away and the loss I felt was something I cannot express. She had not known me for a long time but she was indeed My Mother-In-Love!
Soon I watched the 3rd one leave the nest and move south. I remember crying that night. It was quiet. There were no more work shirts and pants to iron for Ryan. No more "mom can you make me a peanut butter sandwich" and I would tell him he could and he would say "but mom you make the best ones ever" and I would do it.
John and I made a major move and Nicole left home and she was my TV Buddy. I missed that. I missed having lunch with her. I missed her hugs! I missed her!

The move was sure a new adventure! I still had that hole in my heart because the kids were all gone. I did go through a time of grief but I also opened my eyes to what was ahead of us. I began to feel excitement at all we could do and my husband who I loved and I were becoming closer to each other and worked with each other. Our passion for nature was something we embraced. We went places we wanted to go and enjoyed what we wanted to. Than Ryan came home again. I loved him being there but I knew it was for a season and understood that was the way life is to be. There is much I could write about but I think I will end this entry by saying all 3 are married and now we have a fourth grandchild that I got to watch and play with. Being a grandma is the best!
I shared all of this to say that empty nest feelings are so real.
The term “empty nest syndrome” was created by psychologists in the 1970’s to define the sense of loss or depression that parents often feel when their children leave home. What I found is that this is the time we should learn to rest and reflect. It is a wonderful time to set goals for you and do the same with your husband.
I learned to really journal and look back at the times I nursed my babies, played with them and did all the "firsts" in their lives. It is also the time I really got to take the time to grow closer to God. It was the time to down size and simplify and to really enjoy my stitching.

I learned a lesson when I read the following verse....
As an eagle that stirs up her nest, that flutters over her young, He spread abroad His wings and He took them, He bore them on His pinions. Deut. 32:11 AMP.

A mother eagle feeds the young eaglets for a long time, but soon the mother eagle frantically flaps her wings over the nest and, of all things pushes the eaglets out of the nest. They plummet down from that high mountain crag. We think what a horrible thing that was to do but before those little eaglets have fallen very far the mother eagle swoops down underneath them and catches them on her wings and carries them back up to the nest again.This practice is repeated over and over again, until the eaglets are flying on their own but they always return to the nest. The mother eagle can push them out of the nest, and it isn't necessary any more for her to catch them. They now can fly about by themselves and they came home.One day they do fly away and are on their own. This is what we do with our kids....we have them at home and feed them with both groceries and God's Word. We play with them and learn with them. We teach them about the world and all they can do......they begin to fly with our help as they grow older and they do come home. But one day they get married and go out on their own as the Bible says they should. We are there to offer advice when they ask for it but they do have to live their lives. To me this is when we have our real ministry......we pray and we pray because we now have time to do this.
I am here to tell you a Empty Nest is a blessing from God we need to embrace!

A Perfect Day for A Walk

2011-04-03T18:18:00.000-07:00

                 "Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways.
                  The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again."
                                                     ~Sarah Ban Breathnach
We were asked by our neighbor to watch their 3 small dogs this week-end. I had to go over by eight this morning to let them out and feed them. This is the picture that met me this morning as I pulled up the shade. I love our dogwood tree and it is so full of blooms. The birds were singing and the squirrels were scampering about and I stopped and thanked the Lord for all the nature He gave us to enjoy. He wants us to stop and enjoy and lift our hands and hearts to Him with all the praise we can muster. That is our thanks to Him.

I took this as I came home this evening. I love the shadows on the blooms. You see one of the many projects John is working on. This was some sort of parking area and he wants it to be all grass and friends can all pull around to the back of the mobile home. Remember this summer when we bought this place the yard was weeds head high. I appreciate all the hard work John has done.

This just came up wild and this is the first I saw blooms on it. Anyone know what this is? I know the butterflies love the blooms! They just would not allow me to take their pictures.....wonder why?

I love wild violets. As a child I would find a patch of them and sit down and pick a hand full and hurry home to put them in a vase. My grandma loved them and I would take her some in the spring. During this move my antique cup and saucers disappeared. That still hurts! I had about 8 different ones and a tea pot. But they are in my memory and that is what counts.

Our neighbor has these around his mobile home but they do not know what they are called. Maybe one of you can tell me this too.

I found a big patch of these too. The pink is so pretty.

My seeds are coming up and some are doing good. I hope we can soon put the out in the garden. I have tomatoes, hot peppers, Brussel Sprouts, and herbs are growing each day. I have some raised beds with arugula, cabbage, broccoli, Chinese broccoli, 2 types of lettuce, onions, garlic, spinach and rosemary. I soon can cut some arugula and lettuce and I am excited about that. I am seeing with the price of groceries I need to put up as much as we can grow.
I have some ideas to keep me using my blog more. So check back soon.

The Wonder of a Child and mom.

2011-03-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

                                           While we try to teach our children all about life,
                                           Our children teach us what life is all about.
                                                       ~Angela Schwindt~

Mom has really been on a down mood lately. She has been staying in bed most of the day and seldom coming out to see what is going on. Several neighbors have come by and wanted her to come out and visit but she refused. I am back to taking 3 meals a day to her in her room. We have offered to take her with us but it is always a "No". The doctor suggested I do not ask her again and make her ask me. So we will try that.
Mom does not want me to take in breakfast until noon so she can sleep. Today the neighbors granddaughter came over to visit. I am making her a felt book with dolls and each page of the book will have a room and she can play with the dolls .....it is a grown up version of a busy book. Catie is 5. I started to get mom's tray together and she asked me who that was for. So I told her. She decided she would carry the tray with me and I figured it was worth a try. She opened the door and said in a happy voice "Good Morning. Time to get up." Mom looked surprised but just had to smile back at the happy face greeting her. Catie told mom what each thing was on her tray and told her she needed to eat it all. She than took in the things I am working on and shared them with mom and just kept chatting. She saw the picture of dad and asked who he was and mom told her. She than told the child that she just wanted to die and go to him. It was quiet in the room and as I went to the room to rescue Catie I held this,"Well, so what? We all have to die. We do not go to a person because we go to God.
Don't you know that?" Mom was sure taken back. Catie kept on playing until her dad came by to get her.
Mom came out of the room and said that girl was sure smart. She went back to her room but I know she has something to think about.

Children are a gift to us. They help us see what life is really about. They love in an unconditional way and they look at us with awe and learn from us. Catie saw a lady that needed love and a friend and so she did what she could to give mom that. Mom looked rough but Catie did not see that. At one point mom asked her if she knew how old she was. Catie thought and replied "15 I think." Mom laughed and that was music to my ears. She told her she would be 89 in June unless she died and Catie wondered why she would want to do that. When she left she told mom she feels sorry for her......That should be food for thought too.

This poem is one I love and I want to share it with you.

God Made Little Girls
Author: Unknown

God made the world with its towering trees,
majestic mountains and restless seas,
then paused and said, "It needs one more thing."
Someone to laugh and dance and sing,
to walk in the woods and gather flowers,
to commune with nature in quiet hours.
So God made little girls
with laughing eyes and bouncing curls,
with joyful hearts, and beautiful smiles,
enchanting ways and feminine wiles.
And when He'd completed the task He'd begun,
he was pleased and proud of the job He'd done.
For the world when seen through a little girl's eyes
greatly resembles paradise.

OUR TRAIL and more....

2010-11-19T15:23:00.000-08:00

I love to walk this trail! I love the brisk air that sends scarlet, yellow, orange and brown leaves chasing each other.......I love the greens of the pines, holly and cedar trees that are now so very clear as you see the landscape changing. The shuffling of leaves under my feet is simply a fun sound that takes me back to my childhood.

John took these pictures as he and Sparky walked. Sparky seems to love fall too.
I added some of my favorite Autumn quotes under the trail pictures.

"October gave a party;The leaves by hundreds came-The Chestnuts, Oaks, and Maples,And leaves of every name.The Sunshine spread a carpet,And everything was grand,Miss Weather led the dancing,Professor Wind the band."
- George Cooper, October's Party

"Listen ...With faint dry sound,Like steps of passing ghosts,The leaves, frost-crisp'd, break free from the trees And fall."

- Adelaide Crapsey, 1878-1914, November Night

"Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn."

- Elizabeth Lawrence

This is standing in front of John's shop looking toward our home. He has lots of ideas to do natural landscape from seedlings in the wooded area. When you see this next year I know it will look better. We plan to replace the back door in one of the next months. This door had been entered by force too and was repaired so we could get by. John planted grass in all the bare yard. On this side of the car was a fire pit that I cleaned up. I look 6 wheel barrow loads of garbage back to the trash pile. It took me hours to do that and 3 loads of ashes on top of that.

I had to watch for the many needles in this mess......since there was not a stove in the house the neighbor said they cooked out in the fire pit as they would have a party that lasted a week or more......she was one scared lady and I sure do understand.

John loves this shed. He has organized inside and has a really nice work area. When we came here you could not even see this building. In the front was a mound of rotten wood, mangled tin and all kinds of junk along with bags of garbage. There were old tires and containers full of empty cans of lye and stuff that they used to make meth.....it was a sobering sight. John spent days working through all of this and than burning what he could.

BEFORE AND AFTER

2010-11-17T08:02:00.000-08:00

Our front yard is such a wonderful and beautiful spot. Fall is beautiful and this dogwood tree is really a brilliant red.

I have meant to do this ever since we moved to Franklin, Ga. But as you all will see we had our work cut out for us. It has been the most rewarding adventure of my life. I have been so thankful for John's ability to see what needs to be done and the fact the Lord allowed him to have the strength to do it along with the help of Ryan and our friends Douglas and Jane. Without the 3 of them we would not have been able to do it as quickly as we did.

These pictures only show the before pictures after we took out bags of garbage out so that we could walk and see the place. The other reason is many of those bags contained raw garbage and the smell was a killer!

This is the kitchen before we cleaned it up. It had not had a stove of refrigerator for a long time. We were told they were sold to make the meth....The roaches were in plenty in this kitchen....it gave me a fit to even be in there but I toughened up and got it clean! Than as I cleaned John came behind and caulked so they would be sealed out. The furniture left here was full of stains, roaches and the smoke smell....the combination was horrible. We kept nothing.....

This is looking out the kitchen window now. John loves his plants and so we added the stand for the winter. I love doing the dishes and watching the birds. Our land goes back the path in the center of the picture.

The dinning area was piled to the ceiling with bags and boxes. This was a horrible build in that was also full of roaches and we had to pull it out so we could add a bit of room for our dinning table.

The dinning area is now a wonderful place to eat. I have the table set for John's birthday here and the pecan pie cake I made was a real keeper! We had our neighbor couple over for the meal and I used the china that Nicole gave me several years ago.

The living area was full of garbage and 2 huge sofas. The door had been forced open by the GBI when they did the raid on this house. Our friend Kenny was helping change the locks. This carpet was blue at one time.....these folks had at least 4 dogs in here and had never cleaned the carpet......full ash trays were in plenty and you would not have dared to sit on the furniture!

I am so thankful that we could change the carpets and make the living areas a wonderful place to be. I watch birds from my chair and just feel at such peace. We gave away over 1/2 of our furniture and stuff but we have now what we need. I like that we could simply our lives.

The yard was full of trash.....beer cans....an ugly fire pit with 5 gallon cans cans for seats all around it. John collected 45 tires from all over the yard. The barn/shed was full of 7 couches and garbage bags to the roof. It filled a 30 foot construction dumpster and John had to haul off a ton of junk beside that and burned wood for 5 days. We still have the tires to get rid of the tires.

The front yard had stuff growing as tall as we are and it took days to mow it down....all we had was a push mower and the neighbors joked it was a bush hog for John. But he got the job done.

I have more pictures but I think you all get the feel of the place......It is now a wonderful home and we love it! There is much work to be done but that will come. Right now John needs to rest and get back his strength. You all come and see us!

2010-06-08T04:03:00.000-07:00

It is a beautiful day here at Massanutten. This photo John took in Shenandoah National Park. It is called Pitt Spring Run. He has been enjoying getting out to snap pictures. We stayed in the 70's yesterday and it was quite cool last night.

Mom is hanging on in a way. Her desire to go and be with daddy is strong and her focus is on that. She has a birthday coming .....June 18....and she wants to be gone by than. It is depressing to go into her room and know this is what you are going to hear. Now I understand living with your husband for 65 years and him not being with you now must be hard. That I understand.

Last night I was thinking about this and hoping I would never put my kids through this. As I lay there it came to me....I can chose to live each day I have to the fullest. I can and will be grateful for what I do have and those around me that I love. I will do whatever I can to lighten the load of those I meet. I will care for the earth God gave us and continue to enjoy the nature He gave us to enjoy. I will allow His joy to fill my heart.

You may ask why I am sharing this......mom has always held a lot of bitterness and resentment in her heart. Sometimes she can hide it but as this dementia gets worse those feelings are so toxic and strong. I often get very heavy just having to go back that hall to care for her. My cheerfulness upsets her and she will remark why an I happy....I can barely walk she will tell me and I have a sick husband. I tell her that at least I can get around and I love John just as he is and she tells me to go on out......Or she may tell me look at my 2 front teeth that are missing and telling me don't I see nobody cares......and I tell he at least I can still chew my food.....and so that is our sharing time......If I show her pictures of the grand kids she will brighten.

We will be in our old age the worst we are now......The bad points seem to come to the surface.

Mon has stayed in a negative frame of mind and she has become stuck in that frame.
When we look at all the inner clutter that is in our lives, hearts and souls, what do we find? We find resentments.Resentment is a lack of acceptance and a lack of forgiveness. This leads to bitterness and we all know bitterness kills.
I love the story of Joseph. Read this verse.....

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 (NIV)
You might want to read or re-read his inspiring story from Genesis 30-50. Joseph is a good example of someone who turned the offenses of others against him into good not only for himself but the ones who offended him. Because he found victory over his offenses, he saved a nation and a people.

This quote sums it up for me.....

"The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals." (Loren Fincher)

Think about the clutter in your life and with God's help clean it up and enjoy life.....God gives us the gift of life and we need to show others how to grow older with Hid joy and the zest for life....living each day we have with gratitude.

I love my mom but how I wish she would have accepted the Joy of the Lord and let go of the bitterness she has stored up all he life......I will learn from her!

SNOW DAYS

2010-02-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

We sure are living in a "Winter Wonderland". I am reminded of this by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Come, see the north-wind's masonry, Out of an unseen quarry evermore Furnished with tile, the fierce artificer Curves his white bastions with projected roof Round every windward stake, or tree, or door. Speeding, the myriad-handed, his wild work So fanciful, so savage, naught cares he For number or proportion.

I watched the beauty around us unfold and I was reminded of how the beautiful white covers the dirty spots and transforms them into beauty. God does that for us. He takes the mess of our lives and makes them pure and white.

As for mom...she is doing OK some days and slipping the next. As I told the nurse I am never sure which one I will see in the morning nor do I know which one will be there when I take her night pills and tuck her in. I know she is lonely and gets no visitors. It has been at least 3 months since anyone was here she knew. The boys do go back from time to time as well as their mother and that is good....we did get her out to a birthday tea for the oldest boy I home school. But she went right back into her safe little world. Her appetite is getting less and less except for her snacks....Uncle Bobby's made her day with a package of chocolates, Pa. Dutch Bologna and books to read. Than a friend of mine sent her some more books, socks and good smelling soap. These packages are very special to mom and let her know she is still loved. She needs that. I am reminded that her days are numbered and I try to enjoy the good times we have.

I think we had around 20 inches of snow and these pictures taken from inside the house tell the story.

Sick and Our Anniversary

2009-12-13T06:37:00.000-08:00

I have been so sick with the H1N1 or swine flu and I had pneumonia with it. I am slowly gaining back some strength.

Yesterday laughter and song came from our home....what a treat! It was our 21st anniversary!

Mary Ellen the mom of the 2 boys I home school arranged for her whole family to come and bring finger foods to celebrate our special day. She knows how I miss family! So they came at 10AM. I have added pictures of the families that were here.....This is her, her husband and my 2 boys!

Grandma and grandpa Shirk are just simply precious! They have welcomed us into the family with open arms and I can tell you I miss my grandma and the aunties more when I am around them!

Fred and Lois and their 4 children.....Fred was a cook when mom and dad were at the Mennonite home here and they loved him! He is a pastor also. He had a wonderful devotions for us.....than his one daughters read a beautiful poem. Mom remembers him and they have a special relationship that brings her peace.

Eunice and Steve and their 7 kids....they are the ones that have a market down from us and allowed me to sell my felt items there and cards. Eunice and I have a special sister relationship and I treasure her family! The younger ones sang a carol and Natalie the oldest plays the harp and the one next to her sang in a most beautiful clear voice. Natalie played the harp as we sang many carols.

Mom and Steve's youngest daughter....She loves mom and mom responds to her too. Mom wants to have a tea party with her next week.

The boys surprised me with saying Luke 2 together and they did it without a mistake! We had homemade cookies, fruit trays, tortilla wraps and she made the best tortillas from scratch! Garden Pizza and I made meatballs and a cheese tray. What good food! I was wiped by the time they left....but happy. I just cannot get my strength back and still cough a lot...my voice is coming back a bit at a time. Ryan told me yesterday I did not sound older than grandma. He says it like he sees it! Last night was rough but this morning I feel a bit better. This swine flu is awful! Yesterday was the best anniversary we had and we are grateful for precious new family!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

Thanksgivings in the past are so much fun to remember! I had 2 families that celebrated the holiday with family meals and fun with cousins!

Let's take a trip to the Aunties first.....Donegal Springs Road, Mount Joy, Pa..... a beautiful brick house with a wide front porch.....but the best part of getting there was to see who else was there.Of course as you entered the front room you got hugs and kisses from Aunt Fannie, Aunt Elizabeth and Aunt Emily.....I remember the smells as you got inside.....Maybe Uncle Ben's were there and of course that meant Don, Joyce and Ken.....or Uncle Luke's....Jay Leon and Don would be there....Herb's, Edward's, Wilbur's, Uncle Amos and Aunt Mabel, and maybe Elizabeth and cousins from Virginia....what fun we had! I remember oysters, turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry relish, vegetables, relish trays and more.....that the wonderful pies, cake, cookies and that great ice cream.....as kids we would take a bowl and mix it good and eat it with pretzel sticks.....now that was fun! The adults would talk and we kids would play. Than we would eat again.

Now we go to Grandma Shearer's. I only really remember the meals after grandpa died. She would stretch that table so we would all fit there....Her turkey was perfection! So golden brown. Her dressing the best with saffron threads and the grave was the greatest! Uncle Bobby's lived down the lane so you knew they would be there....Jean and RD were precious to me and what fun we had in that basement....toys, shuffle board and games....Now if it were really special the cousins were there from Florida.....Uncle Harold's....Mary Lynn, Gave and Beth~ Grandma made the best opera fudge and what a treat! Do you know my grandma's favorye part of the turkey was the neck....to each his own!

Than I had my family and I remember each Thanksgiving.....some were with us alone but many with the Kemp/Blocker Family and talk about fun! They were are extended family since we lived away from our Pa. family. They took us in and filled the void we had for missing our family and cousins...we did go home to Pa. the my grandma's and to the Engle Family. Each gave my kids a feeling of family, love and tradition. Than came John and his family....how Nana loved to serve holiday meals in style. We miss her too and John's 2 sisters.

Thanksgiving to me is the best holiday.....I love fall and love family and the traditions. We each need to stop and hold those we love very close to us. We need to build our family traditions and above all we need to stop and give thanks to our Heavenly Father for all his love and all His grace. We need to be thankful for Salvation and a roof over our heads.....for the food we have and the comforts we take for granted.

Life can throw us curves but we must take this time to count our blessings~

John and I find ourselves alone today and yes, mom is here but bitter and she chooses to stay in her room. I have cooked a turkey that was a gift and as we speak the dressing (with saffron), vegetables are roasting, sweet potatoes browning, and cranberry sauce ready. We received a pecan pie and that is our special treat!

John is struggling today with his chiari and sprinx......he has a awful headache and has had to lay down a lot.....but I am thankful I have him! We have each other and that is a great gift! We face each day hoping for a treatment that will help and researching all we can. When you are without a job and insurance few want to see you. I know the answer will come.

I have the blessing of homeschooling 2 boys to bring on some income and what a blessing! Yes, it stretches me but it is income.....They have adopted is and I love that!

That brings me to last Sat. night.....the boys family invited us to their family Thanksgiving and I made mom go.....What a loving group of Mennonite people....just like the Aunties and grandma's and we were guests of honor with all the love we needed! This was the first social time we had since we came to Virginia. Do you know what that meant to us? One of the Son in Laws was the cook at VMRC when Mom and dad lived there. Fred was good for her. The only sad thing was she forgot what dad had when he had polio and dimly seemed to remember the hospital stay. She did not think he was in the hospital 5 weeks. She does not want to go out again but she may just have too. I saw how much I missed fellowship.

Mom came out and ate with us because I refused to take her a tray. She went back quickly and had little to say. She would not allow me to remind her of the things I mentioned here....she said that is all dead to her now....if only she could enjoy the life she has. She told us she seldom has enjoyed gatherings....I long for them! How I miss daddy!

Here are a few prayer requests....
1. Wisdom to know how to handle mom with John getting worse.
2. That disability will come through.
3. That I am able to stretch the Food Stamps as that is our only food money to use.
4. That we may find help for John....someone has to be able to help.
5. We can some how make the rent this month.
6. That I can deal with the pain I feel from being away from my kids. I need that support.

I awoke with this some on my mind today....maybe you can sing it with me....I remember Aunt Emily singing this.

HE GIVETH MORE GRACE
Annie J. Flint
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Yes, He gives and He gives and gives again! That makes life worth living!
Happy Thanksgiving!

WE ARE NOT AS STRONG AS WE THINK WE ARE and Dad

2009-08-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

Rich Mullins wrote a song called ,

"We Are Not As Strong As We Think We Are"

Well, it took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

~~
And they say that one day Joshua
Made the sun stand still in the sky
But I can't even keep these thoughts Of you
from passing by
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are
~~

We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are

And the Master said their faith was
Gonna make them mountains move
But me, I tremble like a hill on a fault line
Just at the thought of how I lost you
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

CHORUS

And if you make me laugh well I know
I could make you like me
Cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun
But we can't do that I know that it is frightening
What I don't know is why we can't hold on
We can't hold on

CHORUS
When you love you walk on the water
Just don't stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin' awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are.
***********************************
Life is like that for me right now......I look strong.....I laugh.....I trust but inside I am not as strong as you think I am.

I see needs meet for each day.....I see John's sleep improve......I watch nature but I do not feel as strong as you think I am.

This week was the anniversary of dad's death and it hit me hard. You know I did rely on his cheerfulness, his strength and his wisdom. I did not always like it but he was walking with the Lord and it lined up with his beliefs.

Pastor Joel Hunter from Northland in Orlando preached today ( we watch it every Sunday morning and wish we were there) and his subject was hypocrites.....
He said we all fit in three areas:
We believe
We are non believers
Or we are make believers.

He fears that number 1 and 3 are not too far apart.....
But with dad that was not true. He believed and he lived it to the fullest!

With a hypocrite it is all about themselves and with a believer it is all about God. Dadused to say this....Aunt Emily taught him this....and me too.

J....Jesus First
O...others next
Y....yourself last.

How true and he lived that. He was one JOY filled man!

He said in closing that the results of being a hypocrite is we do not have intimacy that we desire with God.
We can never love fully or be loved fully.
This spills into our personal lives too. Here is a fact he gave.....Kids learn from what we say but become what they see. I have failed here many times....that I know. You see I know the "Book". I read it over and over but where I fail is I do not always live it.....I may try but I fail. That does not make me a hypocrite but a work in progress......Dad had to learn lessons too but what I saw taught me a lot. He talked too but most of my learning was by his actions....let me share a few.

~He served wherever and when ever the church asked him too.
~He was always content and dealt with mom never being content.....but he never yelled at her but prayed and accepted she would not change.....how do I know that? He wrote to me about it. It was a huge hurt for him but his example was greater than his pain!
~he loved the Mennonite Church and was a loyal Anabaptist. That never wavered!
~He loved his family and so wanted me to have brothers and sisters but not mom and that was another hurt to him. So he helped many a teen when we were in Harrisburg, Pa at the mission, he taught Bible School at Steelton and Harrisburg missions and mentored many. He was an example to so many and after his death I heard from one of those young men from Harrisburg....he says he was a pastor because dad gave him his first Bible and stayed by his side.

I think dad may say to me today if he was here that he was not as strong as I thought he was.
Oh how I miss him! I need his wisdom, compassion and guidance for I feel so weak.

They closed today with this song......it is my desire....

Reign In Us
Starfield

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus:]
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus]
We cry out
For your love to refine us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us blameless until you return
********************************************

We took mom out last night but she was negative about everything. She lives in bitterness.
I told her the day after dad died a year ago and she said she knew it was soon but forgot the day. I tend to think she knew.

Today she slept until 12:30 and asked me to leave her alone. So I will. She said she wants to talk to nobody today. So I will care for her and be quiet. It is wearing on me bad. When she does talk she puts on this cheer but as soon as she is off she will tell me how her life never was what she wanted and how others live perfect....I think not.

John has 2 more weeks before he can have a full report on his health....no meds yet and he needs them to interview. So we wait. That is so hard. His sleep is better and he does feel some energy at times.

Monday we find out of the job he interviewed at 3 times is his. Pray with us this works out if it is in God's plan. We find it hard to ask for help....both of us feel like failures when we must. That weakens me so.

We will hear from a team to guide us this week....pray we are teachable. Being exhausted makes me weak in this area too.

Love each of you~!

I NEVER KNEW

2009-07-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

I took this picture this morning outside the front door.

It has been a long time since I updated this bog. It has been the darkest time for me. But I am learning a lot.

I never knew my patience could be so tested.....but I never once lost my temper.

I never knew that cooking what mom asks for could be so trying....but I have made that extra meal 3 times a day with a smile on my face.

I never knew what bitterness can do.....but I have made sure I never allow it in my life.

I never knew how much one can miss their kids .....but I remember their hugs and laughter and treasure them.

I never knew what lonely really felt like....but I have used my time to learn and draw closer to God.

I never knew I would care for 2 people at once.....but I have learned about each illness and am adjusting.

I never knew how hard it is to see your husband cannot work right now....but I have learned to power of love not judgement.

I never knew what sleep apnea can do and has done.... but I have understanding now.

I never knew what desperation can do to a body.....but I have learned the power of 5 minute "mind vacations" can do for you.

I never knew how hard it would be to ask family for help.....but I have felt the joy and gratitude for the help that came.

I never knew how hard it would be to go and chat with a stranger about our needs....but the relief when he treated me like a human and not a charity case.

I never knew the gratitude I would feel for a hospital program.....but they came through with the CPAC for John without cost.

I never knew the weariness of sleeping light in order to see if John was still breathing.....but each time he was still with me and I was full of joy!

I never thought a stranger would offer career counseling for John.....but they have.

I never knew how precious one new friend can be.....but I met this Mennonite family and love them!

I never knew how precious bartering for food can be.....but we have fresh potatoes, cherry tomatoes, green beans and a pie for mom because of this.

I never knew the daily joy of seeing deer,fox, skunks, squirrels and other creatures bring.....but they visit us daily.

I never knew praying could exhaust someone so much.....but the power of prayer works!

I never knew the power of what a cousin could say to me on Face Book....but it relaxed me and gave me the faith I needed for that night~ Thank you Joy!~

I never knew the depth of the grace of the Lord until now....but I now have felt that "Deep love of Jesus.....vast, unmeasured, boundless, free...."
http://www.hymntime.com/tch/htm/o/t/othedeep.htm

I never knew the pain of being told no.....but it has taught me I can always give something to someone in need.

I never knew how much I need to relax......but I am learning to live I must....

I never knew what exhausted really is.....but I now see others that are suffering too.

I never knew how much we were loved.....But I know now!!!!!

How about singing with me Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.......

IT HAS BEEN AWHILE

2009-06-14T05:39:00.000-07:00

I have wanted to write for a week but time flies.
Mom has not been good. But more than that she has
really had a hard time accepting she had a UTI (urinary tract
infection) again. She will not drink much.
So she decided to pretend she was fine and was hard to help.
All the while her urine was getting darker and I would gag
when I had to deal with it. Wednesday the home nurse called
the doctor and asked for a nurse to come and take a sample.
He agreed and she had to use a Cather and said she does
not remember getting so little.....Friday they called
to say that the first test showed she had more bacteria
in the sample than before and more tests were being run.
So we are on Cipro again.

Mom has stayed in bed for the last 2 days and ate very little.
On Sat. she was very ugly because I was right and I was
about to give up.......My nerves were shot to say the least.
Yesterday I simply did what I needed to and just left her rest.

She told the nurse she wants to be left alone. She claims to be
content to be in her room. She likes her meals carried to her.
She says she wants little if any company and feels best alone.
The nurse told me at the table she is not going to get any better.
The doctor agrees. My conflict is that just seems like a waste
of her life....she may try to crochet and the word here "try"
is important. She works and works but so many mistakes make her
tear it all out. She gave up on the jigsaw puzzle. She reads
but cannot tell us what she read. She watches very little TV.
It is so hard to see her just give up....she wants to die and go to
daddy......

I am lonely. I have not had the time to meet anyone and so I stay
home. I long to get out but she does not even want to go on a ride.
I have been making felt food for 2 orders and hope to be able to sell
more of that.

John still does not have a job.....he has good interviews but I am
wondering if local people do not try to hire local people. Our neighbor
says that is the case....so I am feeling some desperation in this area.
Mom can hardly move and so we feel stuck.

Pray mom's UTI gets better and it has not made the kidneys worse.
(she has chronic kidney disease)

I have the patience to deal with all of this.

Somehow I can make one friend.....someone to talk to and maybe get
a chance to do something with. John and I cannot get out together.
How I miss the "date nights".

John gets a job. He does have the sleep study done the 25Th of this
month. He qualified for total coverage. We are so thankful for that.

I hesitate to write this but

2009-05-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

I need to be honest. Caregiving has its ups and downs. This is only meant to help someone that may be where I am.

I just talked to mom and she plans in staying in bed all day and wants only chocolate cake for lunch. At this point I am not arguing with her.I pulled up the blinds so she would see how nice it is today.....

I do believe I am over my head!
Like I told you all before....when you do not hear from me I am down.

Mom has become a depressed and very demanding lady. She is not happy and is determined we cannot be either. When she hears us laughing she gets ugly and says there is no need for laughter. When I make her a chocolate cake like she demands that I do not give her enough and she suppose that is because we want to eat it....wrong. John and I have almost cut out desserts. If I am on the phone she says nobody calls her and wishes I would not talk so long. I offer her the phone and she says she will not call anyone because they should be calling her.

If I tell her we are having grilled pork she hates pork and wants me do cook her chipped beef and gravy and biscuits with a vegetable and pudding..... .so I do 2 meals. That is what has ended up....2 meals have to be cooked for each meal. She just decided she does not like chicken and that is what we use a lot. She hates fish because dad liked fish. She detests shrimp and used to love them. Now they all have to be taken to her room on a tray because she wants it that way. So I try to make each tray pretty but it is never right,

Yesterday had me in one bad mood and that seldom happens..... We have a neighbor who is a single mom. She is a professor of journalism at James Madison University. She was a foreign correspondent all over the world before her son was born. I really enjoy her and so far she is my only friend here. So we help with her 10 year son son Conner. It is like having a grandchild. He sometimes gets off the bus here until she gets home like over exam time when her schedule was really crazy. Or like the last few weeks when she goes to interview vets for a huge article she is doing for a Washington magazine. Last week he spent the night. He is a very polite and good boy. He comes in and does his homework and that uses our old laptop.....he is easy to feed and just a delight..... mom hates I have a friend. Nancy comes for coffee some mornings and I love her stories of Bosnia and South America....Germany when she did a lot of research on the Nazi's and the Middle East. I
am just fascinated. We kept Conner last evening and when she got back about 7 she came to visit. We chatted for about an hour and half....laughed a lot because she was sharing food stories. When she left I went to check on mom and she told me she needed to pack her bags and let "that woman and that bot" move in. She does not want them here anymore. She was pure hateful and John came back to rescue me because he put the baby monitor on and heard her. He pointed out her friend stayed 3 hours this week when she came. That she said was different... ...so the rest of the night when I took her her pills, snack, helped her get dressed for bed she would remark she was surprised "she" was not here and that I had time for her. I was ticked but behaved. All I get done is waiting on her. She says its OK to just wet in her "pampers" and so I have to go and get the,,,,she wets on the bed and I change the sheets....we cannot leave her alone because she falls
backwards... ..so I am stuck.

Part of my frustration is our past......she has never liked one friend on mine ever.....she reminds me that she never wanted to adopt me all week and calls Ryan "that boy" too and always in a negative way....she has fits John has not gotten a job and if she knew how bad things are she would have a fit. I have to look for help......Now I know Lewies Bodies does make a person mean and I guess that is what is happening. Just pray I can deal with this....but I am almost over the edge.....

If you read this far than God bless......just pray for us.
Beside that I am so homesick for my kids and grand kids.....

What a Day!

2009-05-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

Really it started yesterday.....we were up about 3 hours....in fact I had just talked to Uncle Harolds and was coming down the stairs when she yelled....she was in a mess with Diarrhea. I helped her clean up because she had company coming at 11 and also the therapist. She was too washed out to do the exercises but the therapist saw the nurse needed to come and called and set that up. If I could have called Dan and Catherine (mom's friends) I would have asked them not to come....but mom did good with them. She has learned that if she keeps talking about the past folks will not see the dementia. She did not want much lunch. The nurse said her vitals were good.
The rest of the day was good but she could not sleep. The TV went off and on all night and I had to turn the monitor off because John and I could not sleep. I heard closet doors and finally when I came down she told me she had not slept all night.She was wild eyed. It sure reminded me of Nana after a night of "sun downers". She could not rest all morning and so we decided we needed to take her a ride....we went up the mountain and than to Harrisonburg to get my meds at Costco. She wanted Chick-fil-A. We ate in the car and came back home. John had a flat tire on the truck and so headed down to fill it....I relaxed and thud! I yelled mom and no answer. There she laid on the bathroom floor telling me she was fine. We had been told not to yank her up alone but get help and so I called John who raced back up the hill....we got her back to bed. She claims all that hurts is the tailbone. All of a sudden she yells again and we had a major mess to clean up. I cleaned her up and the diarrhea....the next time she made it to the bathroom and now again. I have just given her bedtime pills.

As I tucked her in she told me I was a good woman....she said "I never knew you were a good woman" than quiet and "I never knew how good your daddy was until he died". What does one say to that? I feel so sorry for her. I came out here and had a good cry. John reminded me how he loved me and he always knew I was a good woman....he than asked me why she never knew this. My gut says she looked for our faults and that kept her from seeing any good in us. That is sobering.

This needs to be a lesson to each of us to tell our husbands and wives and children how much we love them and point out their strengths.

I am concerned mom may get dehydrated again so tomorrow I will be on high alert. You all can be in prayer for her. Pray for understanding for me. She told me tonight I am kind...far kinder than she was to dad. I told her she was my mom but I saw the sadness in her eyes.

Mom was confused tonight really getting angry when I told her she had a bout of diarrhea yesterday. She did not remember at all. I told her she can ask the nurse and she could assure her I was not making it up....than she said, I know I am mixed up, I can remember years ago and last year but not day to day anymore. Again I saw that sadness. It breaks my heart.

So today was a bittersweet day.....I am glad she sees I have good in me but I feel such a loss she never really saw it before.

A BUSY WEEK-END

2009-04-27T11:23:00.001-07:00

I just had to add these new pictures of "Woody". He is a constant entertainment for us. He really is a funny fellow.

On Friday mom's brother and wife arrived at Harrisonburg and came out to see us. It is always great to see Uncle Harold and Aunt Irene. Mom sure looked forward to the visit. On Sat. morning we met them along with my cousin Beth and her husband Keith (who were her celebrating their oldest son's graduation from college) at IHOP. It really was a lot of fun to be together. I noticed mom was having a hard time eating but she got her pancaked down finally. She enjoyed it so much but instead of more of a ride she asked to come straight home. When she could hardly walk up the ramp and had to sit and rest I was concerned. I knew the two days added excitement and it also was hot.....but soon I knew there could be trouble. She had several bad accidents and than told me she could not urinate. She barely made it back to bed so I called home health care and they said take her to ER. Mom is very proper but told me she did not care to dress again and would have to go in her gown. They took her right in and found she had acute dehydration and gave her an IV and a good dose of Imodium. We brought her home in 3 hours.

The accidents continued through the night and Sunday AM but finally enough Imodium took care of that. She was so weak she stayed in bed all day. But I am at my wits end....I cannot get her to drink. I am doing good to get in 12-16 ounces a day.....She was hard to deal with all day.

I hoped today she would be clearer but she was a mess in her emotions this morning and I almost lost my patience but stayed calm on the outside......I had to go and get my meds in town and so I enjoyed the ride in the beautiful valley here to adjust my emotions. Driving and praising God as I drive helps and than on the way home I talked to Crystal and Nicole and that always is a shot in the arm for me.

The home heath nurse came soon after I came home and gave mom a good talking to but she had to call the doctor because moms heat rate is only 47....so I am waiting for a call back about that. I did get some Gatorade in her and 1/2 of a homemade sub and some jello. But she is back to sleeping and is really weak.

I am having a hard time going back over things again and again.....where she will be buried, how much that will cost, how she wants to go and be with daddy and all the things I have done wrong in the past. I know part of this is the dementia and some is just mom. I refuse to allow her bitterness to ruin my days......I just wish she would change gears for a bit. So prayer for me is needed.

John is frustrated about the job search and so that adds to the stress level for me. I know God is in control but I sure wish he would move mountains for a job for John. Money is very low and expenses are high. So please pray for relief here.

If you have time remember mom with cards and I welcome calls.....days can get long and lonely for me.

Mom is sick again.

2009-04-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

Mom has another UTI and is having a bad day. The wound nurse will be coming to check on the sore on her tailbone. He told me today for mom to have kidney's that function she has to drink 64 ounces a day...she barely drinks 12....so we need prayers. He said the kidneys are in bad shape.

She also is fighting awful depression and so he added Zoloft today.....she cried the last 2 days because she wanted daddy. I am worn out but she needs lots of tender care.

John just left to go and get her meds from Harrisonburg.....maybe she will have a better night.

She was so confused again at times with the doctor.....it may be the toxins again from her kidneys....than the next time she can talk sense.....it is such a off and on thing.

HAPPY EASTER

2009-04-12T09:18:00.001-07:00

He is Risen.....He is Risen Indeed!

These are just a few snapshots of our small Easter wonders.....The daffodils are so beautiful this spring. I so enjoy having them in my flower beds.

Mom is having a bad day again.....so down and so negative. I simply cannot get her out of the "what I wanted out of life" to "this is life how can we enjoy it". Some of it is depression, some the dementia and some her unwillingness to look for the good in the day instead of the bad.

I love mom but so often she teaches me what not to do by her being so negative. This is something dad tried to help her with too. Dad never saw the bad....he looked for the good. He found the good in each person he met and he took it a step more....he prayed that person would grow more in the good. He wanted people to be blessed.

This morning we watched a service form the church we were part of in Florida, It is called Northland A Church Distributed....We do this almost every Sunday as we love the message Dr. Joel Hunter brings from the Word of God and the music is simply wonderful! If you ever are in this part of Florida make sure you visit for a service and check out this site:

http://www.northlandchurch.net/

The message is from John 20:11-17.

He shared about the Questions Mary asked Jesus.....this is what hit me...."When God asks you a question it is not for information but investigation......For us to investigate our own answers.

Why are you weeping?

We complain about the government ,the church and live in fear and than go to church and raise our hands and sing "Our God Reigns" or a song about Him being in control. If He is in control that why do we grumble and complain? Is He or is He not in control and do we believe that. Joel reminded us that these things are sure not a good advertisement for God at all. AMEN! We must be looking forward to what God is doing and what He is planning for us. The bottom line is either you trust God or you don't.

"What Can I give you?"

He had to call her by name for her to know who He is....Does He not call us by name everyday and do we see who He is? He tells her to go and tell he has Risen.....maybe she thought things would be the same when she saw Him but they would never be the same. Because of His death and Resurrection things will never be the same.....The old has passed away and all things are new. We can have a deep and personal relationship with Jesus! But more than that we can also know the power of His Resurrection.

Phil.3:10-11 says it all and I like the Amplified Bible here for these verses.....

"[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]
That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Easter is about our resurrection everyday from our circumstances....Looking to what He has planned for us.

We had a late lunch and mom ate like a trooper! But did cry and was bitter that dad is gone to the point she felt it hard to see John and I still have each other.....I just patted her hand and told her we love her.....How I wish she would feel the power of His resurrection!

It is a beautiful day and I will rejoice in it!

How about you?

MOM AND NATURE

2009-04-11T06:18:00.000-07:00

These pictures John took after mom yelled for us to come back to her room. This Pileated Woodpecker was only 25 feet from her window. What you can't see is that there is a decayed piece of wood and he was getting a lot of good food from it. I think we watched him a good 5 minutes. Nature gives us such pleasure when we take time to just enjoy it.

Mom is eating like a horse.....here is a sample.

Last night I cooked a pork roast and has a casserole of sauerkraut that had sliced apples in it and brown sugar with broth from the roast. I made mashed potatoes too. Mom had 3 helpings.

If I cook what she likes she will eat and at this time eating anything is a plus.

Her joy comes from shuffling stuff from one drawer to another and back again. She is excited to have her stuff again. She does forget where some things are and also what she left in the home she sold in Florida. So we tell her again and again....

She does sleep quite a lot......her strength is just not there. She has been coming out for lunch and supper but I spoil her with breakfast in bed. She has a hospital table and so that makes it easy for her. She has not been able to read at all and cannot work her puzzles. This all frustrates her and we hear outbursts from her room.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store for her....she wanted Honey Buns, good hoop cheese, split pea soup, stuff to make tomato gravy on fried potatoes and ice cream sandwiches. Her new love is white cheese crackers and I get them for her....we hope the salt makes her drink because she will not drink and I worry about more bladder infections and with chronic kidney disease it is a concern.

We will be home for Easter. I have a small ham, sweet potatoes, green beans red beet eggs and a cake. I hope to make it as festive time. I sure will miss our kids and grand kids....

Aunt Gladys gave me a "Caregivers Journal" and this week I have been journaling on "It is a Privilege". Matthew 25:40 gave me a start,

"And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

In the eyes of the world mom's dependence on John and myself makes her "a least one". But she is my mother and she cared for me when I was a "least one". Now it is my privilege to care for her.

1 Timothy 5:8 says,

"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. "

Mom is now a member of our household and this is a mandate for John and I to do our best. It is a strange thing to have mom rely on me.....a reversal of roles.....but one I do want to do for her and for the Lord. Pray for us because we are learning.....

MOM IS HOME

2009-04-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

and resting but exhausted!

Please pray this will be an easy transition for all of us.

She still is on a ton of meds. I took her to Bob Evans for a meal and it was overload but she enjoyed it a lot.....even ate an egg, bacon and a biscuit. A lot for her!

Remember her with cards and calls please.

2637 Hopkins Drive
Massanutten,
Va.
22840

540-908-3097

PRAY:
She will continue to eat.
She has bowel problems and that is tough on her,
She will settle down.....she is pushy right now....
John still needs a job.

She does have pneumonia

2009-04-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

They just called a few minutes ago to tell me the chest results are showing pneumonia. They have decided she needs to stay in skilled nursing until Monday and see how the meds are working and that see when she can come home. All the other tests are not back and so the doctor feels he needs to know just what he is treating. I totally agree this time.

She is not going to be a happy camper. This morning in her demented state she got up and tried to pack to come home. Of course they put her back to bed and saw she still had a fever. When I talked to her she was totally confused waiting for her dad.....Bless her heart.

We are taking in a meal tonight and will deal with her disappointment than.

PRAY:
They find the right meds.
Her fever to go down.
She will allow herself to rest.
She lost more weight this week and is 108 pounds. This is serious.
She will not lose her strength again laying around and she loses it fast!

Quick Update

2009-04-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

They have the fever down to around 100. I just talked to her and she is sounding rough but seems in better spirits. We are going to head in there soon. Again they seem to rely on not a higher fever and she does not run fevers like a normal person and so again I will have to be her advocate.

Pray I keep my cool.

Please pray for mom

2009-03-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

When I got in today I knew we were in trouble......she is coughing again and it is deep. She is bringing up nasty stuff. She had a bit of toast for breakfast...sipped some tomato soup for lunch and I managed to get 1/3 cup smoothie that I had frozen for her and that was exhausted. She ate no supper.

I just got a call....she has a temp. over 101.....they have taken blood and got it to the hospital and in the early AM the mobile x-ray will be there......she was already in bed and will be checked each 1/2 hour.

Mom is tired of fighting.....

Please pray God's will be done.....she was scheduled to come home Sat. but now I wonder....I just have a bad feeling.

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

2009-03-28T05:17:00.000-07:00

Signs of Spring here in Massanutten are everywhere. It has been rainy or cloudy for the last few days and so greens are popping out and the landscape is coming alive. I see tiny ferns just breaking through the ground. My tulips are looking ready to bloom soon. It has been so long since I have had Spring bulbs in my yard.

Mom is back in Oak Lea and is doing much better. She still has memory lapses. For some reason Lancaster is embedded in her mind and she thinks I brought her from there. She talked to Aunt Gladys a bit yesterday and I was pleased. But when she got off the phone she thought they should come see her in Lancaster. I now can tell her where she is and it comes back. The nurses said she had a very bad morning yesterday and was very confused. She wanted to stay in bed and informed them when she lives with her daughter she will not be getting out of bed and would be eating in her room when she wants to. The therapist told her that would not be fair to me. So they warned me she will go back fast if I allow her to do that. I see many challenges ahead. She is very weepy about dad.

The plan is to bring her home to stay today a week. She is distressed it is that long but we have to be sure that UTI is gone. She is walking great except she looks down all the time as she uses the walker. We cannot get her to look up. That may have to do with the Lewies Bodies.

She is not really eating nor drinking much. I got tired of that and made a mango/peach/banana smoothie full of protein powder and took it in. She turned up her nose but I ignored her and put some in a small cup and gave her a spoon and that I began to chatter so she would not have a chance to think about what was in her hand and she ate it. I filled it again and again and again and only at the fourth cup did she stop. She did not know she had that many and Kitty and I (her room mate) just had a good time about it. But smoothies will be a daily item here at home. I learned with Nana (my MIL that lived with us) you can hide nutrition many ways.

Mother has a best friend....Mary Zook and this precious lady has been so faithful visiting mom almost daily and lately taking her spins on the wheelchair. Mary is a strength to me too. Watching them tells me we need to keep our friends close. Friends are a treasure.

Today, even through it is cloudy we will take time for John and I. I still need something upstairs for my crafts and counter for the printer. So I think we will go treasure hunting. I will call mom to remind her I am taking today off from coming in to see her.

PRAY:
Mom’s chest will clear up…..she is coughing a bit.
Mom will do all she needs to do this week in order to come home. When she gets down she gets hard headed and will allow the depression to take over.
I will have the patience and strength I need. My knees are killing me right now.
John will get a job. We are praying about his own business.

Mom's roommate has been taken to the hospital...Miss Kitty

PRAISE:
Mom is on far less drugs.
She can carry on a conversation about memories….that comforts me.

Mom"s mind is better today

2009-03-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Mom seemed a lot more alert today. They have pulled her off Wellbutrin completely. They feel that was what threw her over the top......they also have her off of 3/4 of the lorazepam for anxiety. She is on 2 low dosage a day along with 100 MG of Zoloft and when she is home they want that cut down. But it will take months to do so. She still felt she was in Lancaster and folks from Elizabethtown had been there to see her. She does have dementia they feel but we can work with it. Her short time memory is bad. We will deal with that when she is home. She will stay on Aricept for now but that is hard on the Urinary Track and she still has a cloudy urine. So that may have to be stopped and the memory may get worse. The trouble is they have to take her off of that slowly too.

BUT she is on IV's for bacteria and is a sick lady. She is on Zosyn for several more days. Than she is on even more by mouth. She does have the bacteria for a type of pneumonia and also has severe diarrhea.

So the plan is for her to go to a rehab until this is straightened out and they can walk her more because she has become very weak. I will know tomorrow where she will go. They told me I have done a good job on watching her and they said they will request nothing for her mental state will be allowed to be added unless they talk to John or myself. We that have her primary care doctor to run it past. Mom and dad went to him when they lived in Virginia and mom does remember him.

PRAY:
We get to the Rehab that will allow my input.....

She can begin to eat...she just could not today. I think she ate 1/2 salad and a few strawberries.
She did not attempt to eat supper.

The correct meds can be found and work for she is getting weak.

A job for John

PRAISE:
She was so much more alert today and far less confusion.

I actually enjoyed visiting with her.

She does not need the Mental Health Floor.

Today was a tough day

2009-03-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

Mom has been moved to the Mental Health Unit. They hope to help her come off the large amounts of meds and see just why all the confusion. I visited her at lunch and she was very confused. She told the doctor that she was 97. Than she told us that grandma had been sneaking in to give her meds. They asked her if her mother was alive and she did not know.....that I said remember mom, that grandma died on Black Monday.....and she came right back with November 2......but later she told us her mother was there......Betty Ebersole is giving her meds and snuck her there......than she told the doctor I lived in Pa and drove all night to get to her.....so you see things are not right.......

Her lungs are not clear today and so they have put her back on the IV to get more antibiotics and this will be for several days.

She is not eating. For lunch I got her to eat a few pieces of cantaloupe and tonight she would not eat at all...

We just got back form the evening visit. She was in a fidgety mood and glad to see us.....She told me Louie Ebersole build the building she is in and they are allowing her to be there but she wants to come home to Elizabethtown. She mentioned several ladies that are nurses and drive to care for her each day but they all were from Elizabethtown.

She does make sense often but has there times she lapses into her own world.

One lady that visited mom told me she was back to her old self and I was so happy only to be told by the doctor she was so confused all day. I have been questioned why I have her there and I know this person thinks she is fine. But we know she is not. The doctors told me this was the only way to keep her in for observation and to get her off many of her pills and than to find what she needs. As I said she had good minutes and if you catch her than she may sound OK but as the nurse says it is the short term memory that is so messed up.

I so want my mom home.....I just lost dad and seeing her slipping away is so very hard on me. It hurts.

PRAY:
Mom can rest tonight.

The infection will not go to pneumonia.

Her mind may clear

For wisdom for her doctors.

Job for John.

PRAISE:

John is a rock to me....

Friends that remember a card means the world to me right now.

A sweet aunt that sent a "Caregiver's Journal" to me....and it helps!

Books a friend sent that take me away for a bit.

Love of God.....How rich and Pure and such a comfort to me. I know that with God I can do whatever I have to....I am willing.

Mom is in the Hospital Again

2009-03-13T05:48:00.000-07:00

Mom did not know John and myself this morning and so I took her to the doctor she used to go to......the UTI was terrible and so they gave her a shot......but she got worse and as the doctor was coming back into th room she stated yelling about the rats under my chair....she would not follow and directions and so they sent us to the hospital....

She was put on IV's.....her blood pressure was high.....they looked at the meds and gulped....they said she should have never should have been released.....they called in an internal med doctor and she said mom sounds like pneumonia and I told the rehab she was coming down with that.....she was on meds that made her worse....so they are going to do a sleep study because she has been aspiring in her sleep and I was told the heart values are not working right....they are concerned about the years of constipation......she is mal-nourished and really bad.....there was a list of 15 things she wants to deal with. I really liked her and she listened to all we said. Told us we are doing a great job and wanted us to know she will do all she can.

I am so worn out...my day started at 5 with her yelling about dad and she thought she was chasing him....that will get your heart racing when you are sleeping good....we had the baby monitor on all night.....My back is hurting from trying to hold her up and my mind is simply burned out.....So say prayers for us and when I know more I will post......

MOM IS COMING HOME

2009-03-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

Mom is coming home on Wednesday.Talk about laying down a lot of cash......go get a 3 way potty, transfer bench for the tub, rails for the toilet and a wheelchair....than Depends and pads for the bed.....hat was over $500.00. And no Medi-care would only pay for the walker. I bit my lip and wrote the check. If she understood she would have a fit! But while she worries she does not seem to understand at all.

If you all have your mom and dad and can spend time with them while they are mentally OK make sure you spend time with them. I look at her and only wish we could have been better friends. I was that with dad but mom always kept me at arms length with her bitterness of not having a child of her own. I look at all of those years and wonder if she knows what she missed out on.....I wonder if she knows how hard it was on dad....I wonder what she would have been like if she would have been happy and thankful.....I wonder if she wonders.....The life lesson is this....life is too short to be ever be bitter. Bitterness kills so much and robs one of joy. We have to start each day with a list of what we are thankful for. We embrace what comes and accept the hard changes. In doing these things we find we are drawn closer to the Lord and those we love. Dad showed me how to be grateful and he would so often talk to me about his worries about mom being so bitter. I never heard my dad complain about his polio and his lung trouble. He instead was cheerful and helpful. He gave me a wonderful example. But than I look and see the Aunties that raised him lived that as a whole.

Never allow bitterness to steal the blessings! Mend fences, embrace loved ones, forgive and live a full life. As I look at mom I see no coping skills except bitterness and depression.I ask you all pray as I begin care for mom. It is all I can muster to do this but she adopted a baby that needed a home and I have come to see that I can say thanks by giving her a home. The depression she has is serious and we need prayers there too. I fear he has her on way too many meds! So we will work on that too.

I just had a horrible news...a precious online friend died last night. I was on a group called the Lilies for years and she was one of the early members. I shall miss her very much....may we all treasure each other a bit more.....Pray for Elaine's family.

PRAY:
For the confusion to be less.

That mom gets her balance in check. For now it will be 24 hour care for John and myself. She falls back but they can do no more in therapy.

That my legs can handle this all as well as John's and my health.

Job for John

What a Beautiful Snow!

2009-03-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

This is from the back door this morning. You can see a bit of the ramp John is building for mom.

This is from the front door. I simply love snow!

The Friday visit home for mom went well. I went to go get her around noon and the therapist followed us. They are no longer able to transport folks in their private cars due to insurance issues. John had worked on the ramp after dark and first thing in the morning and had it ready for her when we got home. He just has to finish the side rails. She was really worn out by the time she got into the house. But she wanted to see her room. Much to my delight she liked it.

We found a adjustable single bed on Craig's List with massage in it too and that pleased her. The therapist helped her get up and down in the bed. Than they checked out her bathroom and mom said it was the nicest she has ever had. John did a GREAT job with both rooms.

I had made pot roast, sweet potatoes, Yukon Gold potatoes and carrots. Mom ate! The therapist was shocked. For dessert I had sliced Florida strawberries and added sugar and we had that over vanilla ice cream. That is something mom loves. She ate that all too. As we sat and chatted I saw she was exhausted and asked her if she wanted to lay down. But she said since she "Had" to go back she was ready. We agreed and so I drove her back. On both trips I could engage her in conversation about the mountains, places she saw she and dad had been to, and some memories. That was encouraging to me.

I promised John I would rest Sat. and that I did! I needed to allow my meds to help heal this lingering cough and congestion. I made us sausage/egg biscuits for brunch. John was outside working and I thought he may want to eat lunch and he did so we had soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. We had a late supper and had crab cakes, french fries and a salad.

On Sunday I called mom and she was crying. It had snowed and she told me I had to come in. So John took me in and he went material shopping for his outside projects. Mom was not doing good at all. She was in a nervous tizzy! I think her night was rough and her memory was messed up. he was upset there were boxes in half of our living room when there was not one box there. She declared her room was a corner of the living room and she could not do that. So I quietly reminded her of her trip out here and she cried.

I chatted with the nurse and they feel she is heading for a breakdown. I hope not. She would not drink for the Sat or Sunday. So I called John and told him to bring her a Wendy's burger, FF's and a chocolate milk shake. He said he would. I made her drink a small glass of water which upset her. But it seems they feel the UTI is still there and a bad sigh. Her blood pressure is up again and so the doctor will address that today. The have changed her depression meds to Wellbutrin and added something else. The blood pressure meds have been increased too. The nurse made us a cup of tea and she did not want that either. But when John came with the Wendy's she dug in!

I am not sure just how mom will do. Before she comes home they have to have that blood pressure under control and she has to be able to go to the bathroom alone and her balance must be better. It should be in the next 2 weeks. I think she may be better at home. I hope so.

PRAY:

Mom's blood pressure will go down

The depression will improve

Her emotions will be under control.

A job for John

PRAISE:

She liked the house and her rooms.

We have beautiful snow!

I feel better finally.

UP AND DOWN AGAIN

2009-02-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

Mom is having some really rough days. This is the week she and dad would have been married 66 years and the first anniversary since his death in August. She is really having a hard time expressing her grief. She simply cries a lot. I have not shed tears in front of mom but often am thankful for the 9 mile drive home....than I shed my tears.

She also is very impatient to get out of there. I sure do understand that. Her balance is still bad and they have to see improvement in that for her to come home. Her blood pressure is all over the place and that has to be stable.

This is how yesterday went.....I called her after I ran some errands (looking for a dresser for her and still have not found one) to ask if she had eaten her lunch. She had not and wanted meat loaf. I stopped to get her that and mashed potatoes, green beans, ice cream sandwich and Root Beer.
But she forgot she wanted that and in the mean time asked for ice cream there. She ate about 3 bites and said she was full.

Than she said "let's go". I asked where were we going and she said to the beauty shop. I showed her the note I had on the bulletin board saying she would be going Monday afternoon for a perm.
She informed me it was Monday. When she saw it was not she threw something across the room and went to crying. The nurse came in to giver her pills. Mom stopped and took them. She had told me her blood pressure was 516 and they had fits during the night. I asked the nurse what it had been and it was over 200. That upset mom because she read the machine and it said 516 and she told us we were all against her and cried again. I told the nurse her hair could not be done until Monday but she called and said it was a must mom got it cut and washed now. So they came down for her and will do the perm Monday. As she left I reminded her I would not be in today and she would be here on Friday for a visit.

I cleaned up her room because she had packed to come home. I looked at her journal which has gone from 20+ sentences to hardly 3. She wrote John and I were in Texas on the 2ND of this month. Last week we were in NC according to her and there all week. The last entry said, "I am mixed up...I can't write anymore." That brought me to tears. Of course we were in neither place.

I called her last night to say good night and she said she was coming home for good today. I decided not to say anything back but that I loved her. She cut it all short because the nurse was getting her a mom and water and she was going to wash her walls and floor.

This morning I got a call that they were concerned about her mental state. Increasing meds may make her more problems with her balance.

I am not sure what to think....is the place driving her into this state? Is the Lewy Bodies Dementia simply taking it toll? Or is is a combination of the two? I do not know but I know my heart is broken. How I long to talk to dad.....I find myself wanting to talk to grandma...(her mom) and asking for advice. I find that I miss the 2 of them so much these weeks. Time does heal but it cannot completely heal that hole in your heart that longs to be able to talk with them.

John still has a lot to do for tomorrow. He is making a walkway in the back for her to come into the house. Her room needs one more coat of paint so I can get it set up......so this will be a late night again. Maybe an all night job.....I hope not. I told him this week-end we are going to rest and explore and he agrees that is what he needs.

The one job he wanted has been filled. We were so disappointed but know the Lord has the right job for him. He was over qualified they said.

PRAY:
We can work in a constructive way today.
John has injured his shoulder again and is in pain.
Mom will calm down.
That I will have the wisdom to deal with this, the strength and be able to be firm.

PRAISE:
Nature we both so enjoy here.
Love of friends and family with the cards and calls and yes, the care packages.
We seem to have a sane mind......

MOM IS FEELING SICK

2009-02-21T13:22:00.000-08:00

This is the front of our home. John will have lots of fun with these flowerbeds! He already is planning what to do.

We visited mom yesterday. She was not having a good day at all. Some of the problems are due to an consistant upset stomach. She also had blood pressure problems. Those things seemed to get her "down in the dumps". I encouraged her to lay down and that seemed to help. She did pick up when I dialed Uncle Harold on the cell phone. She napped while I sewed and than Mary Zook came in for a visit. She almost comes daily and mom enjoys her. I guess I was there about 3 hours while John shopped for paint and lumber. He brought Sparky in and as usual mom loved that visit and enjoyed him laying at her feet.

My cousin Dave Shearer and Drew stopped by for a bit before they did some night snow skiing here at the resort. That was a treat for both of us.

Today mom has a cold and her blood pressure is even higher. It is over 220 but was coming down a bit. I felt she needed rest and no visits and so we are working here at the house. We took a drive because it is such a beautiful day.

I just called mom's nurse and her blood pressure is still a bit of a problem. They have increased the meds 2 times and she said it seems to be holding its own. But the doctor wants to see what may be making it go up. I think if they give her anti-anxiety meds again they will see it go back down. She is in a state of mind and thinks they are keeping her there forever. The sore throat is going around there so they will be checking on that because she had not told them about it.

I guess it is time for super....I will be making Tilapia fish fried in panko crumbs and crab cakes, sweet potato fries and a vegetable. I am enjoying cooking again.

PRAY:
Mom dos not get this cold bug
Her blood pressure goes down
She will be able to come and see the house on Friday with the caseworker.
Job for John

PRAISE:
Friends and family and their prayers.
I am feeling better
Nature all around me!

I THINK I WILL MAKE IT!

2009-02-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

I took these 2 pictures from our bedroom window. It is so peaceful to look out and see nature all around us. I always had a dream of having a cabin in the woods....God is so good!

The move was a very hard one. We left here Tuesday. It was a good trip back to Georgia. But we had to get right to work. We gave ourselves 2 days to pack up all our stuff. Our friend there did hire 2 men for us to help pack and load. It was work from sun-up until way into the night. I will tell you this...it was like Heaven to get into our Comfort Sleep Number Bed after over a month in a hotel and that hard bed!

I did find time to have lunch with Crystal. It was so good to see her again. I will miss her so much! The hardest part of this move is leaving the kids all in Georgia. As a mother I want to be close to them and watch the grand kids grow. I dread to think they may forget me.....

We were packed up by Thursday around midnight and John decided he wanted to pull out that night and drive until he was too tired. We were all hitched up to the auto transport by 2AM and left. John decided he was going to drive straight through since the truck was so large and we had the transport. We knew the mountains we had to cross were expecting high winds late Friday.

I confess I did sleep a lot and felt worse and worse. We arrived here in Harrisonburg about 3 in the afternoon and came out to the house to leave the truck and unload the car.

Friday night it was evident I was fighting some ugly bug and on Sat. morning I did not want to budge. I came along to the house but did very little with the fever I had. My cousin Beth has such fine sons and they worked hard to get us unloaded. Drew came back the next day to help John get our 2 huge sofas into the house and they did it! Their help was so appreciated!

It is a peaceful and wonderful house and as soon as we get some serious work done I will post pictures. If I had to be sick than I am glad it is here. I can look out and simply relax.

I have gotten the kitchen unpacked and all the antique dishes in their places. The bedroom is 3/4 done. For me this is so slow. But I cannot get over this cough and I am so wiped out. I know my immune system was down with all the stress. I have mom on my mind, made a major move and know life will not be the same when she comes home.

I have only seen her once this week. John has taken my place. I did not want to get her sick nor did I want to get the stomach flu that is going around the home. We are going in this evening to see her and have a nice supper at Outback. A dear friend send us a gift card and tonight I finally feel like I can enjoy it.

Mom is trying hard and is walking. She wants to get out of there really bad. The confusion is bad at times. Earlier this week she was the best we had seen her since surgery. But yesterday and today on the phone she was agitated and confused. She complains of workman working outside her room in the courtyard all night or children playing out there all night. Of course neither is happening at all. She also felt they were throwing things at the TV screen the last part of the night. I have found it is useless to try to explain those things are not real. She knows she is confused at times and that causes her great pain. Those times I leave and have a good cry.

Friday a week we will have a home visit for them to see if the place is ready for mom. We have to paint her room. John has to build a walkway for her to come around to the back where he can make a ramp for her to come into the house. Her bathroom needs painting and made ready for her also. Today John bought her a adjustable bed. (not an hospital bed) As I am writing this he is buying the paint and lumber for the projects.

PRAY:

Mom continues to try.

Her new UTI will be gone.

Her stomach stays upset and so she does not eat. She did not eat any lunch today except for pudding. The drinking still is not happening.

My fears will cease. As many of you know mom and I have had a rocky road. We love each other but are so different and at times it scares me. But I know this is what am to do and John and I want to give her a home.

A job for John.

PRAISE:

We have a house and it is becoming a home.

Safety in all our travels.

Nature all around us!

Our update

2009-02-09T18:14:00.000-08:00

We now have a home in Massanutten, Virginia. It is 10 miles out of Harrisonburg.
It is in the Massanutten Ski Resort. It is a lovely 3 bedroom brick Cape Cod home.
Mom will have a bath and bedroom downstairs. There is a cute kitchen and dinning room, a big livingroom, and a family room downstairs. Upstairs is 2 large bedrooms and a big bathroom.. I feel I can make the steps for bed and keep it to a mimium during the day.

I can see the mountains when the leaves are off the trees from the living room window.But on the drive down to the main road I sure can see mountain ranges. I love it! Now you all can come and there is lots to do.....golf, winter sking, trails, swimming pools, an indoor water park.....to name a few.
http://www.massresort.com/

I will send pictures when we come back. We are leaving tomorrow for LaGrange. We pick up the truck on Wednesday and so have Tuesday to pack and Thursday and we will leave Friday morning for our new home. It will be a hard few days but we must get uo here and paint and get ready for mom in 3-4 weeks. We can do it with your prayers!

Our new address is:
2637 Hopkins Drive
Massanutten, Va.
22840

I will be checking the mail in LaGrange and we will have the cable on Monday the 16th.
Anybody want to help unload on Sat......Valentines Day?

Drew is going to help unload and his brother.....we are going to pay them what we would have to pay a U-Haul plan of men to help unload...we are so happy about this.

Mom is doing just OK. She has had many confussed times and it is hard for them to work with her at times. She will begin putting all her weight on that hip this Friday. They hope she will respond to that well.

She still is hardly eating....they say she eats 23% of a meal and just does not drink. So pray a miracle will happen. They figure 3-4 weeks before she can come home...we have a lot to do before that.

Again pray for our safety traveling and packing. Right now I am exhausted but know the Lord can give me strength.
Love to all!

Trouble again!

2009-02-06T07:11:00.000-08:00

Mom has another UTI and was really mixed up yesterday. I will talk to the doctor today and update you all on this.

It took us all day to get her to give them a urine sample. She is just not drinking! I had to play hard ball with her yesterday but was crying inside. I told her she will not be able to come home with us (wherever that may be) if she has kidney failure. She than asked could she be with dad. The tears flowed fast for me than.

John had a good interview yesterday at a retirement home . He would like this job so I ask you all to be in prayer for him and the job.

I so need to settle down....this room is getting to me big time.

Yesterday a friend sent me a care package of felt and all those goodies. I was so blessed. I am so low on supplies...but this helped.

Thanks Uncle Harold and Aunt Irene for the mail.....Aunt Irene I still need a picture of you to add to the scrapbook...one of you and Uncle Harold would be great. I have the one of Uncle Bob's on the wall for her and would add the two of you there along with one of her and dad.

I need to run.
Love to all

Pray:
The kidneys are not failing
mom can rest.
Job and home for us to set up ad bring mom to.

Praise:
The beauty around me!
Life
A clear mind...never take this for granted!

Would You Eat This?

2009-02-04T08:08:00.001-08:00

Mom would not...she ate a bit of the crab cake....one of the 5 fries, none of the oatmeal bread with garlic butter and a bite of the pie. She did not touch the drinks. (One is a protein shake and Vit water is the other.)

Wednesday

2009-02-04T07:43:00.000-08:00

This is a scene behind the hotel on a country road. I just love this snow!

Yesterday was a trip.....I walked into the VMRC and the therapist stopped me. Mom fell asleep walking and in all the other exercises so she took mom back to the bed. She said mom had not eaten anything from her tray for breakfast either.

As I passes the nurses station they stopped me to tell me she had not eaten lunch either and something had to be done. So "I pulled up my big girl panties" and marched into her room. I had trouble waking her up too. I decided to get to the point and told her I "WAS" going to get her something to eat and she had no say about it. She tried to tell me no but I had selective hearing. Finally she decided she could eat a bit of a Subway Italian sub....so off I went and had them cut the 6 inch into thirds and stopped at the fridge at VMRC and got her a little can of Ginger Ale.

She took the smallest 1/3 of the sub and I would not let her stop until she had it all down. She fussed. She had one swallow of the drink and declared it too cold. I was happy she ate a bit but as the nurse reminded me that was not much to keep her going. We chatted a bit but she told me over and over about the kids out in the snow all night in the courtyard and they kept throwing snow at her window. She reported the parents for neglect.....and some more silly stuff. I asked the nurse and she said mom "reported" it all night to the nurses. The hall was very quiet and so it is part of the Lewy Bodies.

There have been time I wondered if she was playing me but a long talk with the doctor made me see she is not capable of that. Her tastes have been altered, her hallucinations are real to her and her ability to eat and know what she needs has been altered. I will accept that. He also had me talk to a specialist on this and it lines up.

I just talked to mom and she says she could not focus on walking again and so has to try again this afternoon. This is not good news as the progress she makes in rehab says how long she can stay under medicare.

I still am struggling at all the unknowns to me at this time...like job, home and mom...but my faith has been strengthened.

Aunt Gladys, thanks for the "care package". It is a real treat. Mom wanted the pretzels and a few cheese puffs. John and I needed that love!

PRAY:
***Mom does rehab

***job and home for us

PRAISE:

***I feel better in my emotions

TUESDAY'S THOUGHTS

2009-02-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for the beautiful snow we had yesterday afternoon and up till midnight. I really was having a rough day and this just seemed to blanket me with peace and comfort. I just loved this picture taken outside of our room. Snow can take a bare bush and make a work of art out of it! I think we will take a drive today.

I have to keep my hands busy....so I did this set for my pin cushion group....They are fun to make and fully jointed. It is all out of felt. I try to do what I can with what I have here. I so miss my stash of fabrics, felt,buttons ect!

I really am on overload! I guess it is a good case of "cabin fever" too. I so need to know we have a home to bring mom home to. But how can one do that without a job? We still have to pay rent in LaGrange.....Mom is asking so many times a day when will we have a house? That pushes me in panic mode. I told John last night I feel like I did when I gave birth....you know the room needs to be right for the baby....the same is true with having mom come Home. I have to make sure all she needs is there. She sold her furniture with the mobile home and so we will need that.

I am really in a panic about a job too. It has been so long it seems since life has been normal for us. I know now that some things did not work out so we would have this time here to make mom comfortable. John did have to do the drug test yesterday and so maybe that means we are closer to a job. Please pray with us for the miracle of a job!

Somehow we must pack LaGrange and have a place to bring it to.....that has me in a fit too. I usually an calm about all this but this time I am stressing.

I know it will fall into place but last night and today I feel like a ball of nerves.

As for mom....she was a mess yesterday. I walked out and chatted with the nurse and asked her if mom was just mixed up with me and she replied, "No honey you do not see the worst". I still marvel that she can get on the phone and make sense. Yesterday they were going to put wood in her knee to keep it from turning in. She wanted me to stop them. I could not reason with her and have learned than it is time to kiss her, pray with her and leave.

The truth of the matter is this...I lost dad in August and I am losing mom a day at a time now. It hurts so much. I have no siblings to share this with and it makes me feel so alone. I long for a sister to just share my fears....needing someone to help me know I can do what I have to do. I don't want to stress John too much about all of this and so I internalize it and that is not good.

Money is a big factor and so we cannot place her anywhere but with us. I also have deep feelings that we need to care for our parents when we can. She loves Sparky and ants us to bring him in at night. She strokes that dog and sometimes I see tears slipping form her eyes. I know what she is thinking...."you miss grandpa too, don't you Sparky". Sometimes she does say that. I am sharing this because Sparky is so gentle with her and she responds to him. One reason I know she would do better at home.

Well, this has been rambling but the best I can do today.....

PRAY:

Mom can rest in peace....not so agitated

Mom's knee will be able to hold her up...it turns in and is a problem when she puts her weight on that hip and leg.

Pray for a job, house and wisdom in moving again.

SUNDAY

2009-02-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

It is so hard to update right now…
Mom has a good day and I am pleased but the next she is so mixed up. Like yesterday… I called her 10AM to see if she wanted me to bring anything. She was hot under the collar because it was 10 at night and I had not been there all day. I explained to her it was morning but she had it set in her mind it was not. I went on in and she was still mixed up.
She also was slurring and fell off to sleep in a moment.

I called her again at 2 and asked what she would eat. She said it was late in the night and to eat them would be wrong. So again I went in…the same story. The nurses said all day they had to tell her it was day and the curtains were open and the sun was shining.

I called again at 8 and gave up even reasoning with her….she said it was than 8AM and her breakfast was late. She claimed they had not brought meals all day.

Today was a bit better except that someone was on her roof all night throwing chunks of something at her window. They said she called them about this for a good part of the night. Than she felt there was a party in the hall and they were laughing at her. I asked how many were out there and she said at least a dozen. Than she will answer the phone and talk sense to whoever calls. It baffles them and me too.

Tonight there were voices in me and she was quite upset…I tried to be funny and said sometimes I feel like I hear voices and she got upset…. so I told her I was teasing and than she said she was mad at me. I left that slide…. Let’s see she scrubbed the floor of her room today and the walls. Something’s never change because she is a cleaning machine.

I took her V8 juice tonight and she like it but said it was nasty. Lorraine, I may need to join the Murphy girls…One thing she loved was I found her Bridge mix (chocolate covered peanuts, raisins ect. and she was one happy camper. Ruby, I told her that was from you and Carl. I explained you sent a gift and we were using it for special times. She said thanks.

As for eating she takes 2 bites of things on her plate if any and than wants no more. They feel the doctor will be worried tomorrow.

John is applying at the Massanutten Ski Resort tomorrow
http://www.massresort.com/

We went there last night to see it and were amazed. We watched the skiers on the artificial slopes for a long time. They need a maintenance tech at the resort and he would love that! So keep praying. Thn we took a long drive in the country. I love this area!

Maybe I will have more to report tomorrow.

HUMOR IS WHAT WE NEEDED

2009-01-31T06:11:00.000-08:00

Humor is what I got!

I have to admit I am used to seeing dogs tied up outside but not cats I do not care to see dogs chained up but this is over the top to me. I would have loved to take more pictures but John told me to hurry up he did not want to get shot.

This is how this happened... We were looking for a house that was to be rented. The ad said a bit out in the country...listen, it was way out there! The churches in this area had outhouses and the larger one had the rest rooms in a block building outside. The countryside was beautiful! The creek running bu the road was called "Naked Creek". The ice and snow was still at places and was so untouched by man. We were on the way in when I saw this....I giggled and than thought I did not see that. It must have been dogs and just one cat was on top of the box...I told John who was looking the other way and could tell he thought I slipped a cog! The house was way up the side of a mountain off a dirt road that was so scary to drive. We passed signs that were handmade that said things like "We shoot trespassers" or "Turn around here at own risk" or

"your life is in my hands if you trespass" . After these warnings I knew I did not want to live there. Let's just say the house was interesting on the outside. THE VIEW WAS GREAT.

But it looked like it would fall off the side of the mountain. So we headed down. As we came up on the "cat yard" I asked John to slow down. He did and I snapped this picture. These cats were on leashes and were sitting on their boxes or in their boxes. This would give PETA a real cause! These cats were what we called "barn cats" on the farm. Now let me say this....cats are not made to be tied up!

By the time I took the picture John was in stitches...he laughed so hard I thought he best pull off the road but than why? The road was not traveled much at all. When I downloaded it on my computer he had a fit again and thought maybe this person was potty training them..see the outhouse on the picture? Your guess is as good as mine!

We did not find a house but we had a fun afternoon and God knew we needed that!

ANOTHER CURVE HAS UP CONCERNED

2009-01-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

Mom was waiting for me.
They have left the tray from breakfast and lunch on her table for me....She had not eaten ONE bite.She took 2 sips, if that, of one protein shake and non of the other. I had a fit!

They offered her soup, a sandwich and she said no.Than the doctor came in.....his eyes said it all. I am not sure where our Vit D levels are to be but he says he worries when it is 20 in a woman mom's age. Hers is 8. He says he has to give her mega dose each day for 10 days and than a dose once a week. How she can take that I do not know.

Than he was also upset she was not eating. I said I was upset at the weight loss of 13-14 pounds. He said no, before the flu she was down 16 pounds. Now it is more he is sure. So he is increasing the marijuana pill....so we will see.He took me in the hall and told me he is worried when he looks at the whole picture. The good thing is that she is trying in therapy and so they can keep her. The protein is not any better and not the iron either. She Has to eat!

I am feeling funny in my stomach now....I do not want this bug!

MOM IS DOING BETTER

2009-01-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

I called the nurse today because the roads still had ice and it has been a long times since I drove on icy roads....she is much better and they had her up.

I plan to go soon.

Love,
Donna G

YESTERDAY and now the FLU

2009-01-27T13:25:00.001-08:00

This picture is about how I feel! I am so torn between what needs to be done. As I sat in the car and saw this split I remembered God does have a sense of humor.... He knows how I feel before I can express it and sometimes He does put it in my path clearly.....

We met with 6 of the ladies that work with mom. I want to boil down the hour meeting to these few things.
The goal for all of us is to have her be able to dress herself. Maybe use the bathroom...at least walk to the bathroom with her walker with me present. To feed herself which is going fair. They are having her journal because she can get words down on paper when alone. Her memory loss seems to be with words and their meanings. She is confused by dressing herself (it takes 15 minutes to do the top alone). She cannot understand the other new things they introduce her to. They feel this will take 3-4 weeks. By that we need to have a house and John a job. This is a hard place to be. We have to pack up in LaGrange too.

Today we have snow and so John felt he needed to take me to the Wal-Mart for some shoes for mom. She cannot tie shoes at all. She also needed socks. We went to VMRC to give them to her.
She has something going on.... throwing up and diarrhea. So the nurse said to poke my head in and say hi. She than told me this adds some problems for mom. She cannot lose any more weight. I will here from the doctor tomorrow.

She also has been throwing up thick phlegm.... That scares me too. She said it is best if I call mom tonight but stay away. I agree as John also has a sore throat and aches all over.
This is indeed a roller coaster ride!

PRAY:
Mom recovers from this flu (?)

Mom tries harder. They say she just digs in her feet and stops. She tells them I will do all for so they need not train her. Ouch!

John feels better.

The interview for today was changed to Friday at 2:00. Maybe this will be a job!

I settle down inside. I feel like a person without a home.

PRAISE:
I LOVE THE SNOW!!!!

Update on Sat.

2009-01-25T06:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was rough....

I went in about lunch hoping to get mom to eat. But that was not to be. She had about 1/5 piece of toast with strawberry jam and drank a few sips of broth for me. The rest was left alone.

I could tell she was really down and tried to joke a bit but that upset her and she blurted out….”Just let me die.” What does one say to that? I have tried all I now to try to give her a push into wanting to get well. So I knew it was time to talk with her about this. She says she just wants to be with daddy. She hates being in bed. She has no strong desire to even try to walk because it is not going very good for her and she knows the future will be with a walker or cane. That she will not accept she told me. She wanted to know how long it would take her to die if she does not eat…She reminded me no feeding tubes and
IV feedings. She cried and I cried. Do you all know God collects all our tears in a bottle?

I looked at the photograph album I made for her along with the cards and that did not spark a bit of interest. I sat about 2 hours with her and she wanted more meds and when they came I left. The nurse that has been the best with mom had tears in her eyes as I came out of the room. She just lost her husband after a stay at the rehab for 3 years fighting cancer. She hugged me and told me they have seen the look in moms’ eyes that says,” I am done”. It is there.

John too me a long drive….we ended up in Staunton.
http://www.visitstaunton.com/history.htm

We think we would lie to go back and explore this town…my love for history just makes me want to soak up all I can. We stopped in Verona to eat at a Mexican Restaurant. It sure was a clean and wonderful place to have a cozy meal. By 7 we were back at the home to see mom. She was sleeping soundly and I could not rouse her so I simply sat and prayed. As I kissed her and turned off the light she did awaken a bit and I told her I had written a note to her and she could see it in the morning.

I think it is fair to say I am mad at her but at the same time I understand. Part of this is selfish on my part. I do not want to lose my last parent now. Dad is only gone 6 months.
I feel so alone here. It is a hard thing to know you are the only child and you will bear this grief alone. John sure is here for me and he has been a real support to me. I long for friends and family to be here but I do not expect that at all. I dream of a cup of coffee or meal with a friend… anything to break the pain. Maybe that is not realistic.

I had a fair night of sleep but was aware all night this may not end up as I had hoped.
I wrestled with my emotions all night and know I can only do one day at a time. I know the Lord is with me through this. I understand that there are some issues I am dealing with.

***A huge life change this year. Dad died, John was given his pink slip, a move and now this. I feel like a person with “no place to call home.” This I do know…that where John is and I am than that is home. Stuff, belongings and a building do not make a home. I believe love does and so I can say that this extended care hotel is home.
Some have suggested because of all this maybe we are not in God’s will. Believe me we have prayed about this. Had John gotten a job and just started we may be faced with a harder situation. I take each step at a time. I try to learn from each step and pray I can bless someone now. I ask God what we need to do now. Often these days all I know is “Wait and rest in me” comes back to me when I speak to my Heavenly Father.

Yes, we have been without a job before…we have been without a home before but we have always waited and tried to hear from God. Could we have missed the mark? I am sure we could have but than when I take a piece of paper and make a test tube shape and fill in the timeline of the last 5 years I see God. Try it with your life. I do see weak areas and times I know my faith seemed iffy but fr the most I see lots of adventure.

I know that God knew it was time to take dad home to him. I know that did put me in a tailspin. But I also know God understand that. I was not always there for John and things happened. That is life!

John is at a crossroad. He longs to do more that maintenance. He is struggling knowing he can do much more. But what and how you change careers at 45 escapes him. The best I can do for him is to love him, support him and pray for the break he so longs for. I pray for a mentor to come to him that can help him now….

I have rambled far too long here.

PRAYER:
***Mom is at peace.
***Monday at 1:30 helps John and I see the whole picture.
***I accept what is to be.
***John finds someone to help him.
***We work as a team in all we do.

THANKS to Uncle Ben and Dia for giving me love and support when I needed that!

Gratitude Journal

2009-01-24T07:55:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for:
Life
My second hot cup of coffee.
Friends and familt
My Anabaptist heritage.
************************
Several things have happened to me since dad’s death that have been exciting and in a sense I have been on a treasure hunt so to speak. Reading dad’s notes he saved when he gave talks at Mennonite Churches over the years really started this. I saw my dad stayed true to his Anabaptist beliefs but was also progressive at times. I decided it was time to really search the net for articles and chat with people about the Mennonites and Amish. I have been out of the Mennonite Community for well over 40 years. I love history and so decided to dig in so to speak. I will not get deep in this all but I will say I found out that my childhood and teens years did shape in me a strong core of beliefs.

I learned so much from my 3 Aunties as we called them, Fannie, Elizabeth and Emily.
They raised my dad and his brother. Going to their home was the same as going to Grandma’s house. They loved God above all and taught me to love my church. From
Aunt Emily I learned not to judge people.

Dad was a great example of both servant hood to all people and a great example that a daily walk with God meant time spent in the Bible first and the words of any author second. He would read a book and take out truths when they lined up with God’s Word.
He knew the Word and so he was never a man that neither was confused nor wish washy. He lived a balanced life. We worked with folks in Harrisburg, Pa. in Hamilton Street Mennonite Church, he worked MDS, and he shared what we had with those with less.
After my marriage he and mom went to Honduras and he treasured each minute of that service to the Mennonite Church. He than came back to the states and gave years to Lakewood Retreat…a Mennonite camp above Tampa. He believed in family camping as well as kids going to camp. He also has been active in Camp Hebron in Pa.

All involved taught me that peacemaking is a key to life…. we must ”live peaceable with all men”. My world has always been global for missionaries that served and came home for a time were always welcome at our house. I loved to hear them share! Mt grandma Shearer had a love for missionaries and read many a book to me about them. She sewed for the Children of missionaries and wrote letters to them. As a child I was a part of this process and I loved it. We rolled bandages for the lepers in Africa, made MCC bundles for various areas. This to me was so exciting!

Now here in Virginia I have found a treasure trove of history of the Anabaptists. There is a bookstore here called “Book Savers”. The books are cheap and I have found a treasure trove! I loved Christmas Carol Kauffman as a child and went to see if any were there. The only one was one I have never read called, “Dannie of Cedar Cliffs.”. It is the story of Dannie Roth and wow….am I learning! I am reading “Readings from Mennonite Writings New and Old” By J. Craig Haas. I think one written in 1524 is the oldest I have read so far. (Conrad Grebel). It is designed to read one a day for the year but I am reading and researching much more than that. (Bt the way it cost me 1.00)

I have read the story called “Honey Bread and Milk” by Joyce Gingerich “This account of Amos Gingerich and Nannie Yoder Gingerich gives an intimate glimpse into the lives of a family that followed God call during the rapid change in Mennonite and Amish communities.”—Franklin L. Yoder,
Adjunct Professor of History, University of Iowa.

On my stack is one called “Stories our Mothers Told” by Herb Swartz. It says it is about the “son on a immigrant mother, and the daughter of a missionary mother….I have the book called “Tobias of the Amish” by Ervin R. Stutzman.

I just finished “Quiet Shouts” By Louise Stoltzfus. “Stories of Lancaster Mennonite Women Leaders” I love that I knew 3 in the book. I read “ Eyes at the Window” By Evie Yoder Miller. It is based on fact but is a novel. The history in it was great and I looked a lot up.

I read “Valley of my Heart, A devastating war, a peaceful people and one family’s quest for truth” The notes and the Bibliography are a roadmap of books I am looking for.
I will close for now but I feel I am on a journey and I really am excited about this. I may be 60 but I love to learn and see I am drawn back to my roots! God is good

It is Lewy Body Dementia

2009-01-23T20:09:00.000-08:00

Like I said that was not written in stone…that was ruled out but by doing so and some others input we do have a name for what is wrong with mom. I am thankful it was not what they said but in reality this is not much better…

Lewy Body Dementia
http://www.lbda.org/index.cfm

As we went over point by point here at the hotel in preparation for the time with the doctor today John and I saw a lot we had said “that is depression” or “that is just mom”.
But it was not either. Make no mistake…she is deeply depressed. They went as high as they could with an 86 year old to see if that touched the depression…it did not. That took him on a search for the cause. She is grieving and that is evident but the trained grief counselors said there was more that grief. She is not making progress with the therapy. And is barely able to take a few steps. So on Monday at 1:30 we will meet with all that are working with her. We will have to try to figure out what is best for her.

It is evident John and I will have to make a move to Virginia. The blow of another long move would be too much for her. But they all feel she has given up. Can we keep her with us. We hope so but if she cannot walk than that adds a problem. Also this type of dementia may be too hard for me to handle. She is moderate in the Dementia. We have to find a house. We have to find care. We have to have a job to do those things. So much is ahead of us and tonight I am tempted to throw in the towel. But you all know me and know I will not be doing this at all. I am worn out and weary.

My cousin Don has a son that has studied this and written papers. My plan is to contact him for some guidance as to the progression and hard facts. I feel God has given us a wonderful resource in Matthew. I read about him tonight and Don, I must say he is indeed a chip off the old block! You and Liz have done a great job.

Another thing I have to consider is John’s sleeping disorder and the need to have those hours every night. Can we do this?

I am kind of rambling here I know but I am honestly writing as I conside these things. This weekend we will chat about these things and seek the guidance from the Heavenly Father. I ask each of you to pray for us. Than I guess D-Day will be Monday in some ways.

I ask you all to give us advice if God leads you to. We want to know what friends and family see and what they suggest. John and I appreciate counsel. We will listen and do what seems the right thing.

Having taken care of a MIL with the “Big A” I know what a hard job it is. I did it than with no real knowledge of what was ahead and took it as it came. Now I know and there is dread in my heart. I feel guilty about that.

Her protein is still very low and she is not eating nor drinking. Her living will says no tube feeding and no IV’s to keep her alive. So that is an issue to deal with to… as well as another transfusion…. Dear me, there are a lot of decisions.
Maybe tomorrow I can think through all this better….

PRAY:
***For mom as we tried to kindly tell her some of the issues.
***For clear direction of what to do.
***For our minds to be open to what they tell us Monday.
***A job and home. This hotel is getting old and I need my stuff....

Praise for a kind doctor that loves the elderly. That has a mom with Lewy Body Dementia and so he is well aware of what I am up against.

THIS IS WHERE WE SEEM TO BE HEADING

2009-01-22T10:14:00.000-08:00

This is not written in stone......This is an overview of what has happened and what we see.

Since the surgery she has displayed quite a few things that did not make sense. It was agreed by the hospital doctors and now at Oak Lea that she is depressed. She was on Zoloft when she came....put on by her doctor in Sarasota. It was a standred beginning dose. She took it sometimes but mom never takes meds because that means she has to drink water and that "just makes her weary" Because of that she has again a serious UTI.Her protein level is as low as "an African child that is mal nourished" the doctor told us and her iron 1 point from a transfussion (ashe had one). But she will not eat. They gave her protien drink but she hates them and says they are finished but there is 1/2 or 2/3 full.She seems to forget to eat. She talks to people that are not there. She was super anxious and so they put her on .5MG Lorazepam 2 x's a day. That took off the edge but....Than she had muscle spasms and it was on the side of the surgery and so they put her on Baclofen 3X's a day....(10 MG). Than because she is not eating the meds make her sick so they have her on Promrthazine every 4 hours (12.5MG). Than she is on iron, BP meds, Acetaminophen as needed, Oyst-Cal 500+ D. Her results for this last urine test say"Risk of Chronic Kidney Disease" . The doctor says because we cannot get her to drink. Dad was the one that stayed after her about drinking and after he was gone I would ask her in our daily chats and some days she had 1 cup of coffee and that was it and so I would fuss. She quit eating unless she went out. She did not clean or care for herself and seldom went to church. I knew she was forgetting things and was scared to drive ect but figured it was depression.

She has had mood swings,Jerky movements which have gotten worse and on both sides.Her legs jerk in her sleep and when she is awake and she cannot stop them. Incontinence is now all the time but for over a year it has been bad.....to the point you smelled it. Her swallowing is hard and they have her in speech therapy. She cannot finish sentences at times when with them and often wth me. When she does talk at times it is much slower. Her hands tremble when she writes and uses it much.
I blamed some of this on too many meds and asked for a conference. He took 45 minutes with me and said she is not thriving at all. John and I felt there was some dementia. Because of keeping John's mom we are aware of dementia.... ...But today her threw m a curve......Creutzfe ldt-Jakob Disease.
http://www.cjdfound ation.org/ pdfs/aboutcjd. pdf
His mother has it and it took a long time to get to the fact that is what it this. He feels and knows it is a dementia. So they brought mom back from therapy and she said what were we talking about.....he told her she and I need to talk. The therapist said mom took a few steps with the walker but was confused. She was totally incontient and that interferred with working. She is in depends all the time but shegets anxious about what happened. So they are going to do some kind of new therapy for that. He does not expect it to work but knows what Medicare asks for. For her appetite she is being put on a form of marijuana in pill form to see if that helps....now laugh...a mennonite lady on this....John and I sure got a chuckle out of it.

Time will tell but is there anything I need to ask or suggest?

Oh, mom said, tell me what you talked about...I know....I have dementia and have had it for over a year. I do dumb things....and that was all she wanted to say. I told her yes, we think maybe she has a form. She said sell my car......or you drive it. More than not she thinks we can go to LaGrange and get her stuff and bring it back.....
Ok ,I rambled enough...I am at a loss and any suggestions you have send them to me.I am taking tody off....he says he can see the stain on me and says 3 times a day to be there are just too much......I know he is right.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL FOR TODAY

2009-01-21T07:31:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for:

The sun is shinning

Sparky, (our Jack Russell). He knew I was upset last night and just stayed on my laap for the longest
time.

Inner Strength
*********************************************
I read Psalm 73:26 this morning.
“My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.”

I like how the Amplified Bible says it:
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever. (AMP)

I like that “but God is the Rock and firm strength of my heart.” That word firm makes it so strong

When we were on the west coast and John and I were first married we lived in the Cannon Beach, Oregon
area. I loved the Ecola State Park.
http://www.cannon-beach.net/recreation/cbecola.html

One of the times we went there with Ryan was just at the time the tides were out. So we went ay down the beach.
Ryan wanted to climb one of the huge rocks and I said why not? So he and I climbed up one of the rocks by
Haystack Rock. Now this is a funny feeling to do. If you look at the rock and climb up you are fine. But I will
never forget looking down and it seemed like I was on shifting sand and so was the rock. The waves made it feel that way.
But when we got to the top and you sat there and looked at the vastness of the ocean and the sky above I felt
the firm foundation of that rock. I remember Ryan, at the age of almost 4 lifted his arms up and yelled, “Praise
God!” That was not his usual outburst but I understand what made him do it. I made my way down with
John’s help but Ryan wanted to stay there. John got the best picture of him way up there. Maybe when I am home (wherever
that is), I will post that picture.

That was the time I felt a firm foundation…..I sure did not feel it when we were in Astoria and climbed the Astoria Column.
http://www.astoria-usa.com/astoria_column.shtml

I hated that climb and felt so unsafe even though I knew the foundation was strong by the looks of it. As I thought just now of
The 2 places I see I am so much more alive and trusting in nature. Somehow because God planted that rock I knew I was safe.
But that column to me seemed so shaky. God is my rock! He is an awesome rock and like Haystack Rock and the smaller ones,
He is the STRONG FIRM strength in my wilderness right now. I do feel like I am in a wilderness…a “no man’s land” so to speak.
As I look back over the last months I see how hard it has been….Dad died in August, John lost his job, no one seems to be
Hiring…how will we make it?….401k is gone…..now this….it seems like my heart is faint. I wonder how I am to go on,
how can I deal with the dark nights I so feel.
I have cried from my inner most being, wondering why God, why now, why must I feel so alone, I hate being alone.
I am an only child and too often felt the pangs of loneliness. I wanted a sibling to laugh with, play with and
share a bedroom with. I do not like being alone. But than I read this verse and see God is my Rock, My firm
foundation, My strength, my fortress. He is unmovable, the anchor of my soul, and my comforter. He Is! Remember
He said it best: I am that I am”.

I can and will get through this too!

There is a song my day loved….I see him singing it with the conviction his anchor holds because God is his anchor! His faith was
so strong….Will you sing this hymn with me. One side note…you need to hear this in 4 part harmony with no piano or organ, as the
Mennonites used to do it! How beautiful it was!

MY ANCHOR HOLDS
http://www.hymntime.com/tch/htm/m/y/myanchor.htm

Though the angry surges roll
On my tempest driven soul,
I am peaceful, for I know,
Wildly though the winds may blow,
I’ve an anchor safe and sure,
That can evermore endure.

Refrain

And it holds, my anchor holds:
Blow your wildest, then, O gale,
On my bark so small and frail;
By His grace I shall not fail,
For my anchor holds, my anchor holds.

Mighty tides about me sweep,
Perils lurk within the deep,
Angry clouds o’ershade the sky,
And the tempest rises high;
Still I stand the tempest’s shock,
For my anchor grips the rock.

Refrain

I can feel the anchor fast
As I meet each sudden blast,
And the cable, though unseen,
Bears the heavy strain between;
Through the storm I safely ride,
Till the turning of the tide.

Refrain

Troubles almost ’whelm the soul;
Griefs like billows o’er me roll;
Tempters seek to lure astray;
Storms obscure the light of day:
But in Christ I can be bold,
I’ve an anchor that shall hold.

Refrain

I almost lost my cool today!

2009-01-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

I hate this picture but had to put it here because I am upset that this is all she does except for an hour in the morning. She did not even flinch when I took this flash picture. She mumbles some of the time....talking to dad, her mother and whoever else she remembers.

I asked for her meds last night and was ignored....as long as I wanted her test results which they told me they could not find. I called this AM and asked for them and they said they would write them down but when I went in there was none. So I asked again and they said they would. As I left several hours later I asked and they did not do it. I called the social worker and asked er to get them for me and why. She hesitated and than said she would. I asked if they would please have it in moms room in an envelope with my name on it. It was not there tonight. I than asked the nurse again and she said she would get it but an hour later she ignored me.

What do I do? I am even tempered but I am about to pop!

We went in again tonight and she was sleeping with her cottage cheese and peaches in front of her. I had to call her several times to get her to open her eyes.

I got her to eat the chocolate pudding but she would not touch the protein shake. I am worried.

She went to sleep again and John woke her up. Than she wanted Sparky so we brought him in and he laid with her and slept and so did she. I woke her up again and prayed with her and kissed her goodnight.....it hurts so bad! Does she not look over medicated? They say no.

Crystal, this is for you!

2009-01-20T17:31:00.001-08:00

Mom made them take off the spread and has to have the blanket on that you gave her. She takes it to therapy too and tells everyone it is from her oldest grand-daughter. She said she was smiling from ear to ear but the smile never came today.

She sends you all her love.

Sunday and Monday

2009-01-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

Sunday was a very hard day for mom. They started her on Cipro for the UTI
and she had stomach troubles almost right away. They gave her that with 16
other pills at one time. I told her I would be throwing up too! Than they added
phenergan so she was mostly out of it. Again she wanted to die and it broke my heart
I saw failure to thrive in front of me. Our elderely deserve so much more!

I am very concerned by all these pills.
How can one tell if she is slipping mentally or is it the meds…..I asked for a
List of what she is taking and so far they have not done so. I feel today is D-day
for that.

The reason is yesterday I called in because we were having snow. How I
loved that! She said they had added another pill but she did not know why
and said it had something to do about her nose. I headed right in and they
said she was bringing up phlegm and so started her on Flonase. I know that is good
but she never had a problem and I think one more med is just too much.

Mom was better yesterday afternoon but for some reason they have a speech therapist
Coming in….why? She wants mom to journal. Now that would be fine too but she does
Not remember what happened 5 minutes before. Her writing is awful and she is shaking.
I am having a problem with this…..to me it seems they are trying to get all they can for
Medicare..

She took some steps with the walker in therapy and they were pleased. But as soon as
She gets back she is taking pills and than cannot stay awake long. Last night she was
exhausted and so when she closed her eyes she would talk to dad or about the farm.
At one point she wanted Donna Jean (me and what she called me as a child) to stop
Daddy from making popcorn because she just does not want it…. so I tell her to open
Her eyes and she seems to slowly come back to the now. I chatted with her nurse and shed for
The protein and iron levels and she could not find them. That upset me but I stayed cool.
I want to get all of these things and post them in hopes someone can tell me if any interact.
The nurse asked me if she had peanut butter in her room and I said yes and so I was asked
To go and get in out because of the scare with peanut butter.. I did and mom was watching “South Park”. I
Said “Mom I thought you wanted CNN’, she looked at me and said, “this is and it is a new show.”
I took the channel changer and put it on CNN and she was pleased. I kissed her good night again
And said a prayer.

PRAYER:
***The nurses will give me the list of meds. I really need to see what it all is.
***She will eat…she still is just eating a few bites.
***Therapy will move forward.
***She will regain strength. She still is so weak.

PRAISES:
***I saw snow!
***I saw some fire in mom’s eyes when she was mad at the speech therapist. That is fight I saw.
***Prayers of all our loved ones and friends.***Cards that cheer her up so much. Keep them coming.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL for Sunday

2009-01-18T07:50:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for:

Doctors, surgeons, nurses and all the ones that work to care for the sick.

Music, how it soothes the soul and opens our minds.

The arts…poets, composers, artists, authors for without these folks we would be dull.

History
*************************************
I love history and always have. It began as a child when I heard my great Aunts, the
Aunties talk about where we came from and all those folks we were related to and how.
First cousins, aunt and Uncles I understood but this business of cousins twice removed
Make me scratch my head! I loved to go to the Witness Tree in Donegal Township
Close to Mount Joy. I could close my eyes and see what happened there. I was awed
At the Capitol and White House. And cried the first time I saw the Lincoln Memorial.
When we went to Boston the “old North Church” and the poem “Paul Revere’s Ride
Became so alive to me. I love that poem! I have read more about history than most
People I guess and some evenings I spent just going to a site of a country and read
their history. I have read the Mennonite History from men long gone and from new authors
like Donald Kraybill and Louise Stoltzfus who wrote a book about Amish women.

I remember the struggle of the black Americans. We went to Hamilton Street in Harrisburg,
Pa. in the middle of the time of riots and hate. I saw hate in faces on the streets and I could
Not understand at all. I was brought up with the belief that none of us our better that another
And the color of our skin was not a factor. I saw my mom and dad visit many a person in
The projects of Harrisburg and often I stayed with a wonderful African American woman
That opened my eyes to Mahalia Jackson and Ethel Walters on her old record player.
She told me stories about slaves and the Underground Railroad that had been passed down
to her. I was young but I really heard her and took the feelings of her and her family to heart.
I knew that much change would have to come to our country for we all are created equal. My dad
Was a wonderful example of this to me…he brought many a young person from Harrisburg to
our home and farm. Elizabethtown at that time was void of African Americans (many stories
went around as to why and I still am not sure). Dad was asked questions but he stayed firm all
were welcome at our home.

I did a school paper on James Meridith, on the book “Uncle Tom’s Cabin, One on Harriet
Tubman, George Washington Carver, and memorized the poem “The Creation” by
James Weldon Johnson and read anything I could find about Lincoln. Little did I know
I would move to Florida and see for myself what segregation was all about. I cried
When a boy from the youth group told me a Black was not a human at all. Than a year
After that he had to come and tell me that in college after an African American saved his life,
That he saw what I said was true. They are indeed human.

I still have a want to read about recent African American’s. Martin Luther King is a man I
Really respect and living in Atlanta for several years I really became aware of what all he really
did for all people. I love to read Maya Angelou and listen to her. My favorite artist is Robert Butler,and
I learned so much from him on the race issue. He does not meet prejudice because he does not
Accept it. I had to really listen to him to learn that my prejudice against those who are prejudice
Is indeed prejudice in itself. Think about that. He helped me see I can never change a persons mind if I
Meet him in the frame of mind I had…no patience for those that form opinions on the color of skin.

I am excited about the election of the first African American. I have watched this election with great
Respect for our President Elect. I may not agree with him on some important issues but I respect him
as a man. I see history in the making. So this is about a change and not politics. I hurt when I see folks
not even giving him a chance or not teaching their children they are living in a America that the slaves and
many after him never thought would come. From the time many were not allowed in a certain college or sit
on a seat in the bus, or enter through a front door of a home of a white person, or vote,or not able eat in a dinning
room or use a restroom or drink from a fountain labeled “White”. This is about the change in many a heart tin the US.
It is about pastors opening the doors to all races, it is about folks in the South allowing a person
Of color walk into their front doors knowing the KKK may burn a cross in their yard. That took character and strong
belief that all of us are indeed created equal. I know people who took these chances and changed their
corner of the world. I respect these folks. I love these folks and am glad to call many of them my friends.

May I challenge many of you to put aside who you voted for and embrace the history that is being made. Some say our
President Elect is an Idol of sorts but I say to you all that many of us do not view him like that…we look into the pages
Of history in America and we say “Thank you God for answering our prayers. We see a positive step in the accepting of’
all people and we thank you for working in the hearts of all the people that had deep prejudice and helping them see you indeed made all of us equal.”

My prayer is that we see America keep on accepting all people not looking at the color of people’s skin but
Rejoicing that our Heaven Father made us all. So I will celebrate the history of this election and the 2009 Inauguration
of this President and what it means to our country and the world. But know I will always pray for Him as the Bible tells us to.
Nowhere does it tell us to pray only for whom we voted for but for the leaders of our land. I will pray for his
Safety for I know there are those out there that did not want to see this change and are full of hate. I will pray forThem too because with hate in our heart we cannot be joyful as the Lord directs us to be. I am filled with Joy!

PS from today

2009-01-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

The nurse called me this evening to tell me mom has a pretty bad ITU and so they have to start
a antibiotic for 10 days.....poor lady she is taking 12 kinds now.....

I called her to make sure she knew they were adding pills and she cried. They had not told her what they had just brought to her. She said she was so exhausted and tired she hoped no more company came. I said a prayer with her and will see her around noon.

JUST GOT BACK FROM MOM...

2009-01-17T13:10:00.001-08:00

I did not get to spend the day here today as I had hoped.
The nurses called saying mom was being difficult and could I come.
I waited a bit and called mom who was crying saying they did not like her
And she wanted out. I told her John was getting dressed and we would come
And see her if she calmed down. She said she would. So we headed that way.
It was so cold and the car did not seem to warm up at all and soon got hot.
We had added anti freeze but John was a bit concerned. After 2 stops we
made it to the home. They stopped me asking where I was going and I told
them and was allowed to go….the other wing is having a stomach virus &
visitors are asked to not visit. After I hit her hall I heard her crying. She really
cried when she saw me. She wanted Daddy and said it was unfair God had taken him.
What do you say to that? I brought the picture of Zoe to the bed and she did manage
A smile. Than I showed her the picture of her and dad and she held it. We have
It framed. Uncle Harold sent it and it is the rose they took for Dad at All Saints Day
And a picture of her and dad in the background.

Than a spasm hit her hard. I lightly rubbed it and than told her I needed to see
Her nurse. She told me they all hate her today. I liked her nurse who was filling
in for the day. She got moms chart and we went over it. She asked me a few questions
about mom and when she realized dad died in August she said it all made sense to
her. Mom had told her dad was gone a long time. I think to her laying there it seems
like a long time. She gave her 2 pain pills and an anti-anxiety one and I finally got her
to drink a protein shake. That was the first she ate all day. Than I gave her a handful of
chocolate covered raisins and she asked for more. The mail cake and a CD from
Lorraine Murphy. I asked for a CD player and as soon as that was on she
Relaxed. In the fog she said “Arthur, hear how that angel Lorraine sings? To think
She picked asparagus for us ……” I held her hand. Than asked her to look at me.
She did and we opened the pictures from Uncle Harold’s…that was a good 10
minutes as we looked at them and remembered. A friend from Florida called (Lucille
Allen that was from Harrisonburg and if I remember right the farm that was their families land
this retirement community is on) She talked a bit and than cried and had to hang up. More music
and she settled down. By that time the pills were kicking in. John came in and she wanted
a hug and kiss and than asked me to bring the CD to the hotel because she did not want it taken.
But I had to promise to take it back.

The car is Ok since we added more antifreeze. I had cheese, summer bologna on crackers
Thanks to Donna Conner who sent us a wonderful box from Hickory Farms. John called
It a special survival box and it is! Thanks. These things brighten our stay here and since we
Have to be hear a month more it is special.

I plan to stitch and relax the rest of the day.

Pray:
***these muscle spasms lessen.
***she will relax and rest
*** she will feel the love we all give her. I know we are not Dad….but we try.

PRAISE:
*** for the special CD Lorraine sent…it is funny to be away from all of our CD’s.
*** the pictures that brightened her day. I will find a scrapbook this week to put hem in.***Time with John and Sparky for me.

Friday's Update...such a roller coaster!

2009-01-17T08:03:00.000-08:00

Life is a roller coaster….at least mom’s recovery is.

When I went in at lunch yesterday she was in a fog and I soon saw it was the pain.
But she would focus long enough to tell me what was giving her such a fit. So I
Sat and watched. She yelped and I saw the foot draw towards her and I knew
From experience just what was happening…. muscle spasms. I had an awful time
with them after my knee replacement. Before I could do anything she had rung the
nurses bell. I turned it off and went and ask them to come back and when did they
last give her a pain pill. They said 8AM and she was due one. Every 4-5 minutes
she had a spasm and I could see them. After 30 minutes and no help I went to the
nurses desk again. She was talking ugly and that is hard for me to handle. She told me
something snapped so just let her die among a lot worse…they told me go get the
physical therapist. All the while the doctor was sitting there. The therapist said she
would be there in a minute and did the nurse know I came to her. I told her she told
me to. About 20 minutes later she came and told mom if you say something popped
we will have to transport you for tests. That made mom mad. I told the lady that
this was every 4-5 minutes so she stayed and sure enough one hit again. She said
they were severe and she would tell the doctor…about time. So we waited. She wanted
to get out of there and was in such awful pain. Thirty minutes passed and the doctor finally
came. She was in the middle of a severe one and he went from “now what” to real
concern. He tried to massage but that was way to painful. He had heat brought in
but she yelped so bad he had them take it away. We talked about muscle relaxers
and he said they hate to use them with elderly folks because they get confused and can fall.
I asked if a low dose help. He said he had to use them. So he had 2 pain pills brought,
One for anxiety and ordered a muscle relaxer as soon as they could get it. Than the social
Worker called for me. She said mom wanted to go to assisted living because her friends were
Telling her there were rooms available. Did I know she could not afford it. I told her I sure did
Because $3000.00 a month were out of the question for mom. She than gave an application
for the government run part but said there is a 1-2 year waiting list. I could write a
book about institutions and especially church based ones not making it impossible for a
parent of our having to pay an arm and leg to stay there. Remember I kept my MIL (nana)
and Uncle Joe her brother and we gave the excellent care and it did not take this awful
amount of money. Folks we have to find a way to care for our parents!

When I got back to the room Mom’s good friend Mary Zook was there. She looked at me
So intently (the nurse in her comes out) and said you are exhausted to which I replied I
Felt I could hardly walk. She told me to take a dau off. Mom roused and said “No”. If she
Is not her they don’t pay attention to me. Mary walked me out and said please stay out of here
A day. I will see. I am fighting an awful chest cold.

I came back to the room and hit the bed after taking some more HBP Coricdin. After
A pizza I took a hot bath of Epson salts and they just read. This morning I do feel a bit better.

Today is a new day and I will rejoice in it! The weather is cold…..it was 4 (wind chill was –6)
when we went to bed. But it is clear and we may take a drive this afternoon….over the
mountain to Franklin, WV. It is a beautiful drive up the mountain.

Pray:
***The muscle spasms stop and she can return to therapy. (He said none until he could see her
Monday at noon)
*** She may learn to relax and not be so hateful with her words.
***Healing of the bones
***She can take the Fosmax they started her on today.

PRAISES:
***Friends and family to pray for us.
***The ability to work with my hands. I would go nuts if I could not stitch.
***John
***The love for us by our 3 kids. I just love my Crystal, Nicole and Ryan, their
partners Robert, Doug and Amanda and my precious Skyler, Adam, Will and Zoe!
Thanks kids for your love.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL

2009-01-16T06:55:00.000-08:00

Cold crisp air
A wonderful quiet extended Suites (Candlewood Suites)
A loving husband who keeps me going and cooks the meals so I am free to be with mom.
The Everlasting arms of God!
*****************
“The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms” (Deut. 33:27).

This morning I read this verse and saw that no matter how overwhelmed I am He is there to catch me.

I looked up the Hebrew meaning and found this: the idea of beaten down, the bottom.
It is the uttermost limit and “underneath” everything. I also saw this: The “eternal God” is the Timeless One.
He is beyond our agendas, calendars, and plans for the future.
By the way I use the free e-Sword program to study on the computer.
http://www.e-sword.net/

Wow, I thought….I know he is timeless but he is beyond my plans and agendas. I think we like to be in charge of these areas. We read self-help books, take tests for what our career should be, and make careful plans for our future. I think all these are good but it is also a good reminder when we fail or feel helpless He is there.

A few days ago I wrote this: I have never been deeper in despair than I am right now, dad’s death, John’s loss of a job, no jobs to be found, Than this all.. Now I see again God is underneath me to catch me. He is even lower than that,
“are the everlasting arms of the eternal God.” When you feel beaten down to the bottom, He is still there. I wrote this
verse on a scrap of paper, cut it out and taped it on the front of my wallet. I want to see this a lot!

The “everlasting arms of God” are just that….always there for us…sometimes we say” when you are at the end of your
Rope, tie a knot and hang on” I like this picture better….when you are at the end of your rope let go and fall into
the everlasting arms of God. Now what is safer than that? It is a picture of a child in their daddy’s arms.

I also found this at this site:
http://www.searchgodsword.org/se/sj/view.cgi?sermon=B397

"The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are everlasting arms" (Deut.33:27). An eagle is teaching its young how to fly. The ceremony begins with the destruction of the nest. The old eagle tears it up and throws the pieces over the cliff. Then she takes the little eaglet on her broad back and, circling, carries him high into the sun. She tilts her wings and slides him off into space. Fluttering, screeching, screaming, he drifts down. The old eagle circles around him. Long before he reaches the sharp crags and rocks below, she glides under him and catches him on her broad wings. Two or three times she repeats this as if to say, "See, you cannot fall, for underneath are my everlasting wings." We change the picture only slightly and make it say, "Underneath are the everlasting arms of God, our Father." There are times in life when life is too much for us, and we cannot keep our spirits up, and we are wounded and sick of heart. And we need desperately to experience the loving embrace of the everlasting arms of God. --Angell, C.R., "Iron Shoes" Best Sermons 1947 (Adapted).

Have a great day and remember the Arms of our Heavenly Father are there to catch you!

SHE IS HEALING SLOWLY

2009-01-15T19:00:00.001-08:00

Mom asked me to take this picture...Nicole she tells everyone Zoe gave her this set and she loves it. She wanted to wear it all day at the home but I told her we needed to take it off. The smile she says is for you, Doug and Zoe.

This is a 2-day update again. Yesterday I was upset and worn out I simply could not write.

Mom was so tired yesterday she could not hold her head up. She did not eat nor drink her
Protein shakes. No matter what I tried she would not even try to eat. The think she may have a UTI
And so were ‘going to get around to taking urine”. I informed them they needed to do it now as
mom can have a hard time with infections. I think these folks are not used to having a daughter there
most of the day. So many seem to get no visits. I asked if they would please measure her
intake and output but they would not agree to that at all. So I will have to be there at meals and see
and keep asking. In her defense I would not eat most of what they bring. Yesterday it was a slice of ham that
was dried out, a heap of thickened squash, plain noodles, and room temp ice tea and juice.
She ate a bite of each of them and quit and would not drink the protein shake either. They picked up
The tray and told her she did good….Mom looked at me and told me see, I don’t have to eat. I was not
A happy camper.

Last night she ate 3 bites of a chicken salad sandwich, ¼ of a red beet egg and that was it and again she refused to
Drink the shake. She could not stay awake and talked out of her head as soon as she closed her eyes. I tucked
Her in and came home very sad.

This morning we were at the surgeon’s office at 9AM. No mom. I finally went in and asked and they said they
were running an hour late. The office was not very happy about it. So we had to be worked in when she did come.
She was brighter this morning at first but than faded fast. The “shattered” hip as he put it is healing slowly but he
Is pleased. The problem is with the muscle. He had to cut across several to set the one pin and so the pain and
Twitching comes from that. He took her off the muscle relaxers for 2 reasons. He said she will be sure to fall again
with the side effects of those at her age and secondly he wants the muscles to relax on their own. She can have an
extra pain pill when she will be in bed for 4 hours. But when he told he we could not move her for 4 weeks she cried like
a baby. She wants out of that place. She does not want to do therapy and she wanted to go and be with dad. He is a
young and compassionate man and just held her for a minute and patted her. That quieted her down. But she did not
know if she would try. That she told him she wants to stay in Virginia and we want to go back home and take her
and she asked him if he had work and an apartment or house for us. They she cried all over…..what pressure
on John on myself…..we are a bit stressed about this. What do we do? Where do we begin? Please pray
for us. I am stressed for John.

I brought John back to the hotel and went to help her settle back in. The nurse thought maybe I would have
Taken a day off….no way. She got lunch and it was spaghetti with just a bit of sauce mixed in, corn, oatmeal bread
With garlic spread on it and peach something….again she would not eat. I went for the other nurse and she came back
In and listened to what I was concerned about and she said it was right. I am the only advocate for my mom. She told her
She must take the shakes and got her a strawberry one and we coaxed her to drink it. I sat with her 2 hours and she
Begged me to stay in Virginia. I came home and crashed. John took me for a “between” meal at Golden Corral and
It was the first really good meal we ate out.

At 5 I headed back and her surgeon called….he asked me to go to the store and suggested several things. He said he
Was very concerned she will not heal if she keeps this up. I am to sneak a picture of a meal and send it to him. He says
He is trying to come up with a program for rehabs to use in food for patients as old as mom that will help them heal. Amen
To that! So I got her chocolate covered raisins with dark chocolate like he suggested, rice cakes (small ones), a bit of
Fresh fruit, tapioca pudding in single servings and Andes mints. He says the sweets may kick her into an appetite.
I asked her what peanut butter she wanted and told her he suggested when she did not like a meat that she ask for a good
Wheat bread and spread peanut butter on it and add some chocolate covered raisins on it or slices of banana. She
Wants Jiffy and was excited about that. She ate one small handful of chocolate covered raisins and asked for more.
She had several rice cakes with apple cinnamon and had a mint. The nurse I love came in and was so proud of her!
So they both had a mint…she said I hit the nail on the head and I told her the surgeon called me this evening and
Suggested these things when I told him what mom does like. Tomorrow he is calling the dietician and asking her to
See mom. They had promise 3 days ago to do that. Supper was nasty and so I went to Park Gables and bought
loaded potato soup that they were served tonight and mom was happy and ate it all. She was wore out when I left.
She dreads tomorrow because the hip therapy begins 3 times a day. She is not happy about that at all. He is also
Calling them tomorrow.

Today was basically a good day with her. We got a big cut in the rate for a month more and so this will be home. I
Miss home and the kids….I am so alone her. So I am having a hard time with this but she made me promise we will
Not leave her here alone. That we did promise. She did suggest we may want to come to Pa. for 2 days while we are this
Close. I think we would like to do that. I long to do that.

Prayer:
***Mom will adjust to working more with therapy. This afternoon the nurse told me she told them what was wrong with
Them to make an almost 87-year-old woman do anything she did not want to do. They left her in bed. That will not work!

***She will eat better because she cannot heal unless her protein and iron levels go up.

***She will be willing to do what is best for all of us.

***That I may not stress. John needs to work and all this time scares me.

***That we will be on top of what she needs and help her get it.

***Contentment for all of us.

PRAISE:

She is healing and we are spending more time together now than we ever have.
She has told me she loves me and for many years I did not hear that from her….just dad. I rejoiceThat I hear these precious words.

A Better Update

2009-01-13T17:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all the prayers. You know prayer changes things.

This morning John and I ran errands and got some things set up.
Than I stayed with mom and John returned to our room. She had been
Exhausted and so was very confused this afternoon. I noticed it was only
When she closed her eyes. When she asked for dad I told her to open her eyes and look at me,
When she did she seemed to come back to what was real. This happened about 7 times
In the hour but finally she fell into a more relaxed sleep.

This evening she was alert when we got there. She had company and so was very stimulated.
Nicole called me and I handed the phone to mom and it was a good talk and she was clear.
But when she closed her eyes she knew Zoe was in the hall and wanted me to get her. Than Aunt Rachel
Called and she again became alert and chatted. But said that had exhausted her. So we sat and she
Went in and out. At one point they were playing Rook in the hall and daddy was being too loud. So I had her
Open her eyes and she focused a bit but not the whole way….I decided it was time to tuck her in and checked
Her leg and again the nurses had not put the thing between her knees to keep the one “fixed” to keep from
Turning in. The therapists and doctor are most anxious for the Thursday morning appointment with the surgeon.
They feel the pins may not be holding. They also told me the bone was shattered not fractured. I hope that is not the case. The therapist told me to have the nurses
Put the thing where it needs to go so that they get used to doing it. So I went and talked with them. She is to get
A protein shake before bed and they had forgotten that too. So I asked them to please go and get her one.
I believe the shakes are making a difference. I praise God for the good times we had today.

This morning I opened my devotional book called “Share my Pleasant Stones’ by Euginia Price and was blessed.
Let me share a bit with you…

The verse was Song of Solomon 2:4
“He brought me to the banqueting house, and His banner over me was love”.
This verse is kind of deep she suggests.
“Perhaps you’ve forgotten with the passing of years, what it was like the day the Lord first “brought” (you) to the
Banqueting house. Perhaps you’ve forgotten that for the first time in your life you were satisfied after you had eaten
the bread He gave you there.”

That says to me that I took that Bread of Life in an eager way and I drank of the Water of Life was my thirst is quenched.
I believe my heart sang, as Eugenia suggests, “His banner over me is love.” I also was willing to do anything the Lord asked me to do
And believed because He said it than that settled it and I accepted it. But it seems we all go through a time when we pull
Away from Jesus. I think we somehow think we become so smart and so busy we do not think we need to spend time in His Word
And we do not stop to pray like we did. I sure have had these times and than a test comes and I call “Jesus 911” and expect
Him to clean up my messes. When we kept nana I was almost homebound and I began to do my gratitude journal just to make it
Through the day. I learned I needed to be in His Word daily and I needed to stop reading all the “how to” books and ask the Lord
How to handle the day before me. I saw that He made me and He knew just what I needed to do and all I had to do was ask him
And than wait before Him for the answer. I do not mean He spoke in a loud voice to me but it was the still small voice I knew….HIS.
You see God made me and in reality He knew what the correct answer was. Self help books are OK but we can never replace the
Bible for a man’s idea. There is no formula that works for all of us because He made us all different.

Today this verse brought me back to my quiet time with the Lord. I had been so stressed that I allowed my emotions to guide
Me through the day. So before we went out I spent time with the Lord. The errands fell in place, the visit went well with mom and it was the
Lord that laid it on my heart to have her open her eyes and bring her out of wherever she was. I came home and took my first good nap.
John cooked and I ate a great meal and was ready to see mom again. Tonight I am rejoicing for the healing that we will see with mom. She is in His
Hands. I will rest more so I can deal with her in a way that does not kill me. Yes, I know there still are bad days but I also know
“His banner over me is love!”

PRAY:
For less pain for mom and that that leg will stop jerking.
That she may allow us to get protein in her so she will become stronger.
That she may heal.
That they can fix what is happening in that knee and hip so she can walk again.
For a job for John
Patience for me to just ride this storm out.

Praise God:
For the better minutes she had today.
For the cards that come that she has me read to her several times a day.
Thanks Lorraine for the picture…she has it propped up by her bed.
And also for the “BIG love” from you to us.

Yesterday was tough and requests!

2009-01-13T06:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was tough on mom and sure wore me out. But these days I get on overload
really easy!

It started out with the knowledge we needed advice how to proceed with this all.
Will mom come home with me, do we have to move here for awhile, how do we
Take care of all her needs. I knew the staff at Parkview Mennonite Church offered
To help and I headed to the church there. It was nice to catch up with Joan Brubaker Horst. (She is
Secretary there and also the daughter of my grandma’s sister.) Barbra Lehman the assistant
Minister was there and we chatted. She knew mom and dad when they lived here and so was able to
Pick up where we are now. She also has visited mom in the hospital. We talked about the fact mom
Is telling all of us she wants to give up and has indeed there. We talked about John not having a job
And the fact he has not found one in LaGrange. We chatted about mom’s finances, which are not so good.
She wants to bring Phil Kniss(we both admire and respect Phil) into our future talks so that John and I are covered by decisions we make.
That will happen after Thursday when we see the surgeon. Her gentls spirit helped me strengthen my will
And at that time I did not know how much I would need that.

Than the social worker wanted to see me at one. So that gave me time to spend a few hours with mom.
As I went by the nurse’s desk I saw Dr. Shenk and asked him to check the swelling in mom’s ankle. I
Also ask for the heart doctor’s report. He came right back and gave us the results of the heart tests.
Think on a range of mild, medium and bad as I share this. He told mom in this manner…
The walls are thickening and that is a high medium. For her age of almost 87 that is not so bad,
The valves are causing the mummers they hear and they are leaking and he would rate that a low medium.
The heart is pumping strongly and that is good.

Now for the blood work.
Mom has not been eating and has not since dad’s death. He told her that he protein level was about the
Worst he has seen and he would tell her it is as bad as the children that are starving in Africa. He said it
Is alarming and so she will have to have protein shakes and have to make herself eat. She responed by
Saying she just wants to die. We tried to talk to her but I could see she was ignoring us. Her iron level
(and she is taking iron) is one point away from doing another blood transfusion. She wanted to know if she could deny
that if it was needed. Her kidneys are functions well and her lungs are going to be watched closely.

Than he looked at the swelling in the ankle and tried to touch her inner thigh on the side that was broken and she
Yelled…..so off to the hospital in a transport she went to check for blood clots. I had not eaten that morning
So I headed back for John and when I came into the motel room he had a sausage biscuit fixed for me (and he makes the best ones)
and a cup of fresh coffee. We headed for the hospital as they asked us to do because she was not wanting to talk.
She does not have a blood clot but they are concerned about the swelling. We see the surgeon tomorrow.

Another thing we addressed with Dr. Shenk was the knee and leg are turning in and I wondered might it be the pins
Are not holding and he nodded yes….so that will be addressed tomorrow. This was the surgeons worst fear for mom. I
Simply could not handle that thought. If that happens she may be bed ridden.

Than the social worked…. Mom has been approved for 6-8 weeks more in rehab. The answer to her going to Georgia
Before 2 weeks more is out. Medicare will pay 80% and today we go to MMA to see if they will cover the other 20%.
Since I have power of attorney I can do this. We also have to check where mom has state residency. She basically
Is a woman without a home and Medicare will have to set the state residency. She sold a mobile home in Florida so she
May still be a resident there. Will we move back there with her I was asked…..will we? She never paid rent in Virginia so will
The state of Virginia pick up if she needs Medicaid. Right mow this was an accident and so this is covered but where does
she need to be? Than factor in Georgia….She and dad did live there 4 years so will they accept her with that? I have to set up
appointments to find all of that out. The social worker suggested I allow the church to help me there because it is more
important for me to be with mom and try to get her to want to live. This is where you all come in…please send cards. When they
come I make her share memories with me about each of you….Beth and Mary Lynn she is asking about you. Since she saw you that Sunday
we moved she wants me to tell her stories about the times we spent with grandma growing up and your visits. Mary Lynn, she
remembers laying me beside you in the sewing room the night grandpa died and how wonderful your mom handled telling us
the next morning he had died.I sure remember that! Beth she wants to talk about the twins and how your dad and Aunt Irene
helped and how much Irene is a part of their lives. She wished she had a picture of them. So the social worker heard her
talking and asked would I put together a scrapbook of all of the family. So will you all help me by sending pictures so I can do this.

Uncle Bobby, she wants a picture of you and says she misses talking to you. Aunt Gladys she thinks you are quilting and says you
Do beautiful work she needs a project to quilt around…..really she cannot do this yet but we may get her to. Jeanne, she wants the picture
You sent at Christmas and I have no idea where hers is. She wants to see the farm and grandma’s house. She wants to come and than die.
But a picture of both will help. I can keep her awake with pictures.

Nicole and Crystal I need pictures of your kids…..she asks for them. Skyler, she loves you and has asked when you are coming. Yesterday
She asked if you started school but I soon got her back with me to tell her what a beautiful lady you are. She said I need to see her ready for the
Prom…..a picture will do.

Ladies, from my loops….send cards so I can tell her stories about you all. If you have a picture send it. Label all the names, all of you. A good exercise
They say will be them asking her to tell them the names on the photos and they need each picture labeled.

PRAY:
Mom’s pins are not slipping.
We can see what is making the swelling and tenderness.
She will want to live.
We will find the answers we need to set her up.
The Chaplin Shirley Yoder will be able to reach her….mom likes her but sets up walls. I love this lady!
We know where we need to find a job…that the path will be clear to John.
I am give out and I need energy!
I will not feel so alone. And I will quit worrying about how we will make it.

Mom’s address: Rachel Kraybill %Oak Lea Nursing Home1475 Virginia Ave.Room 132Harrisonburg,Virginia22802-2433

Sunday Night

2009-01-11T20:17:00.000-08:00

I have found it hard to write updates. I tend to be optimistic generally. But this week has really
Stretched me. I find myself going low and trying to rise above that. I find myself wanting to
Chat with dad and ask him what I need to do and than I remember he is no longer here. That
Hit home this afternoon. Mom had just been put back into bed and had drifted off and cried out
Donna when are they going to let Arthur come in?” I hesitated hoping she would keep her eyes closed.
But she looked at me and repeated it again. Tears came to my eyes as I told her dad was not coming
But he sure loved her and was with her in her heart and memories. She cried and shut her eyes again.
When she looked up a good while later I said, “Mom, you are not eating, you are not really working
With the nurses... are you giving up?” Her reply was, “Yes, I believe I am.” So I tried the reverse psychology
Crystal suggested and told her she would miss seeing Adam graduate, Will mature and Zoe grow much less
The one she so treasures, Skyler graduate from college. She said they have to live good lives and I will
see them in Heaven. That I all I can do. I saw it was foolish to try anything else but “Mom, I need you,
I am not ready to lose the only parent I have left.” She smiled and said she loved me but was not going to
live dependent on anybody else.

After several hours of reality and drifting off she had quite a bit of pain and I would see her leg draw up and jerk
And she would cry out in pain. I also saw the ankle was so swollen again and called the nurse. She checked
Out the ankle and there was a good pulse but when I told her I had mother in the hospital ER twice in Atlanta with
This she said they will have to look further and promised the doctor will check in on her tomorrow AM. I also
Told her the double heart mummer was a concern before the surgery and they had called in the heart doctor she
Asked me to walk to the nurses station to see if the results were there. They were not and she noted the doctor needed to
Call and get his results. She brought her pain pills and muscle relaxant and I asked her could I turn off the lights and
Allow her to sleep. She said she needed that and I prayed with her and left.

I was so upset I knew I needed counsel and remembered that Willie (William) was there and as my pastor at Camp Hebron
Was always a real help to me. I also went to Reading, Pa. to a Mennonite Servant hood summer as a teen to work with the
mission where he was a pastor. Than when mom and dad moved here 10 years ago I got to spend time with him and his wife
and where he led the Men’s Chorus from the retirement home here. Dad had a wonderful voice and loved this group.
Willie loved dad too. So he welcomed me to their apartment having no idea mom was here and had broken her hip. He
Listened and with his wife they had compassion and some good advice. We prayed together and I left in a better frame of mind.

I chatted with Nicole on the way back to John and than fell apart in his arms. This husband of mine is a man with a heart
Of love and compassion. Having lost his parents he knows what I am feeling. I tended his mom with dementia, The Big “A”.
We called it that when talking to her doctors in front of her because of her fear of this awful disease. I had to be his place of comfort
During that time and he is very conscious of my ups and downs. He sat me down with a glass of wine and cooked supper.
I have relaxed enough after watching “Extreme Home Makeover” and a good Discovery Channel special on the ocean.

I picked up a new book for $.50 at the Mennonite thrift store called “Do not Lose Heart” by Dave and Jan Dravecky. I never
Have heard of this book or the author but have found comfort in the pages. Hebrews 12:3 was the text I read today.
“Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

I want to quote a few things….pages 24:-25
“Martin Luther, the great Reformer, would say this even more forecefully,’Our suffering is not worthy the name of suffering’
he wrote, ‘When I consider my crosses, tribulations, and temptations, I shame myself almost to death, thinking what are they
in comparison of the of the sufferings of my blessed Saviour Christ Jesus’.
Several sentences don the author says, “When suffering invades their lives, many complain, ‘God doesn’t understand!’ But He does.
He understands it far better than we do. Our Savior suffered vastly more than we will ever begin to grasp- and he did it for our
Sake.”….
“Last, I am helped to endure my trials when I consider how Jesus endured his own. “…who for the joy set before him endured the cross.”
(Hebrews 12:2). Jesus looked ahead to what his sufferings would accomplish, and great joy gripped his soul. He endured for the joy of
completing the Father’s will for him.”

We suffer in many ways. It may be as mom with a death of a spouse after 65 years of marriage. It may be from the pain of broken
Bones. It may be for some of us the broken dreams of our life. It could be the death of a child or an illness like cancer. For me at this time
It is seeing my mom suffer and trying to do anything I can to help. It is listening to so many who have so many ideas how I need to handle
It but are not here to see what I am doing. It is trying to trust doctors and health care providers and trying to keep the very limited resources
She has safe. It is reading documents and trusting what they say they mean knowing changes come so often in the medical insurance
World. But when I read those verses in Hebrews I see my Jesus suffered much more. The fact he gathers me into his loving arms and says
“I understand because I too suffered and paid the price so you may have life”. But with that you and I all see he gives us the strength and peace to face
tomorrow and we can sing that great song with confidence…..”Because He lives I can face tomorrow…” (Bill Gaither)

I can and I will face tomorrow with the knowledge He knows and He loves me and his strength gives me strength.

Pray:
***Mom will have a will to live.
***If she does not I have the confidence I did all I could for her.
*** The doctors will see what is causing the swelling in the ankle.
***That she will eat.
***That we can meet tomorrow with the ones Willie suggested we do meet with.
***That John can find a job. But here Willie pointed out something that made me giggle. Had John had a job
right now he may well have lost it anyway. He told me to be thankful I do not have to face this without John atmy side. I am thankful!

Friday Update

2009-01-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

This sure is a roller coaster...they have had to give mom double nerve pills and now doubled the anti anxiety meds.
She will not relax for them at all. She does sleep but they told me just a bit ago that when she is awake she
Is upset at not knowing what is happening to her, where she will live, will she ever be the same, why is she so
Mixed up and she told them she was depressed and mixed up before dad died. She says she can hide it
Well. That is sure the truth depending on who calls her. I am taken back to caring for John’s mom and I see the same thing.
She could pull it together for a visit or call but not on the whole.

She chatted very good with Uncle Harold’s today but when John and I got there she was all confused again. Since I had talked to
Uncle Harold after the call I could tell her some of the conversation and she wanted me to write it down. I notice she likes
To read the cards and notes I make. We have a small notebook and she keeps the visitors down there. When I go to see her I
Review them with her.

Tonight a lady came with a dear friend Mary Zook and brought mom a prayer shawl for the ladies of Parkview Mennonite
Church. It is knitted and has shades of purple in it and it looks nice. She was pleased with that. I took the pink grapefruit she
and I picked before leaving Florida and she is sharing them with friends. Today at Goodwill I spent 1.00 on a new “My Utmost for His Highest”
and I read one to her and that calmed her also.

This will be a slow week for me..the 15th seems so far away and than we may not have all the answers. Pray for us. I miss home.

On a lighter side I was at a old bookstore and found one of Christmas Carol Kauffman’s book I have never read. It is “Danny Of Cedar Cliffs”.
I have read all the rest and am hunting for them. Grandma read some of them to me as a kid. She read “Lucy Winchester”, “Hidden Rainbow”,
“Light from Heaven” to mention a few.

Today we took a road trip out into the country around Dayton and went to the Dayton Farmers Market. We did not spend a dime but it
Was good to get out…the huge farms and quaint communities I just love, not to mention the mountains. I relaxed. Than we went back to see
Mom and see if I could encourage her to eat.as she is not eating much. Today I took some strawberry Danish Pudding that I made to her
And added some wonderful fresh strawberries and she ate that. I am going to make a soup tomorrow and see if that will work for her.

John just made appetizers for our supper so I am going to join him.

Pray:
****1. she will eat.
*** 2. She will learn to relax
***3. She will look at the bright side.
***4. Mend in spite of the brittle bones
***5. A job for John***6. Wisdom to know where we need to be and mom also.

Wed evening and shock!

2009-01-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

God prepares our hearts from one day to the next, no really one minute at a time if we just listen.
This morning I shared about trusting God and that it is hard at times for me to do that. Than I shared we must
Do these things in order….Trust Him, Delight in Him, Commit to Him and than rest in Him. How little
I knew these words would stick with me on the way home from rehab this afternoon.

Mom was a bit mixed up again but she also was upset that she has to do arm therapy and she wanted
to come home with me. I humored her with stories and she relaxed. As I was ready to go they stopped me at the
Nurses station and said the doctor needed to see me. So I waited. He questioned me about some things I thought he
Would and than hit me with, “How long has she been showing symptoms of forgetting and dementia.” I knew when I
Talked to her over the phone she would have notes and than had trouble telling me what she wanted to. I thought it
Was depression. Mom has always suffered with forms of depression and nerve problems. But she refuses to carry
Through using the meds and dad was the worst getting herbs for her and she hated those worse. I felt she needed meds for
Anxiety since the fall and he agreed. But he says the evaluations they are doing shows it is more than depression.
I told him I cared for my MIL for 2-1/2 years with the “Big A” and so he was blunt with me. I appreciated that.

Looking back I see she would prepare herself for a visit with Uncle Harold and Aunt Irene or a friend. She did isolate
herself and seemed to think people up here would treat her better than in Sarasota. That was not true. She just would
not follow through calling folks. He said that was a early part of dementia. This could be just old age or it could be more.
He decided to double her Zoloft and add an anti-anxiety drug. We will see if that helps her and if she will cooperate more.
He told me this is why the hospital and several at the home were asking me to get Power of Attorney. I know for the
Purpose of changing her Medicare plan and changing an address again with SS I will need that. She seems open to it.
This is not something I wanted to do but he insisted I follow through.

I cried as I drove home. I dealt with this with Nana and I know the road ahead will not be easy. To me these symptoms
Seem to come and go. Than again I remember when Nana broke her hip the dementia really was something we had to deal with.
I do not want my mom to lose her dignity. To me any form of dementia is an awful illness and all dignity seems to be something
that goes quick.. I know as an only child I have a lot on my plate…decisions John and I have to make. I know from experience
we will make mistakes but the truth is we will do the best we can.

That brings me to the love I have for this man that loves me above all else except for God. His faith is strong where mine can be weak.
He is loving and helpful and will do anything to help me unwind. Tonight he made us supper and served me. Now he is ready to run a
bath for me. God has given me a man that is strong when he needs to be. I am thankful for that!

Tomorrow I will spend more time with mom and will ask the Lord to help me be watchful and see what is real and what may be depression.
She has faced a death, put the trailer up and than told us…. sold it for less than they paid for it 6 months earlier, said she was coming to live in
LaGrange and the next thing I knew she had rented an apartment here. The doctor told me that all couldn’t continue…she cannot run away
from herself, her loss and her needing assistance in living day to day. I know that is true.

Thank you all for your love and prayers. Just when we needed it today a stranger to me handed us $40.00. What a blessing to us. Our need was met.

Prayer Points:
***1. That I continue to trust God to show John and I what to do.
***2. The doctor gets all the evaluation done and we have a clear picture.
***3. We can move her home and take the steps we need to for her to be comfortable.
***4. Mom has peace and will try harder to work at getting around.
***5. There is a clear picture the 15Th when we see the surgeon.***6. That John will find a job wherever the Lord leads…maybe we need to go home to Pa. Who knows?

Wednesday AM...my gratitude journal

2009-01-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

I write a gratitude journal each morning. I started this when Uncle Joe and Nana came toLive with us. It helped me face each day with a spirit of being thankful. I will share some while we are in Virginia.
I am thankful for:

1. rain we still are having here. Each drop reminds me of the importance of it for the earth welive in. We are to care for the earth and I take that very serious.

2.Friends and family…The calls and emails help me feel you all are with John and I. It is easyto feel so alone in a place you never lived. I wish friends would be close for visits or to go out for a biteto eat.

3.Trust…what a gift we have in this word.

******
The older I get the more I see that life is a profound exercise in trust in the Heavenly Father. We Need to trust His Word…we need to trust His Holy Spirit and the way He leads us…I tried to sum this up In my thoughts during the night…It really means I will obey Him even when I cannot see the beginning from the end. I like to plan and so this conflicts with “me” and “my plans” as opposed to Him and His will for my life. I tell Friends I am a slow learner….I am learning to do what Corrie Ten Boon says in a book title of one of her books.

“Don’t Wrestle, Just Nestle”.

That is a loving picture of us crawling into the lap of our heavenly Father in the middle of any storm we face. (By the way do any of you have this book and would be willing for me to buy it? Ihad her whole library of books but that was all taken away in the chapter of our life called “Gone with the Mold”.)

I love this quote of hers too….it addresses trust in a real way.

“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

I read Psalm 37 again today and will share a few of my many notes in the margin of my Bible. The first seven verses always bless me.

Verse 3 tell us to “Trust in the Lord…”

Verse 4 tells us to “Delight in theLord”.

The fifth verse says “Commit your way to the Lord”.

And verse 7 tells us to “Rest or Be still beforeThe Lord”.

What I see here is important to each day of our life. I can say as a Christian I trust in the Lord. We do find it easier to say than live most times of trouble. But as a whole I am prone to believe if the Lord says it than that settles it.

We have delight in the Lord. To delight in the Lord can mean we praise the Lord.Our former pastor Joel Hunter suggested it could mean we obey the Lord. Remember David says this:“I will delight to do your will, O my God”. He also suggested we delight in the Lord by sharing with those we meet and how He works in our lives and helping them see the need for Him.

“Commit your way to the Lord”…ouch. To me that means if I commit a situation to Him than I am really telling Him to take control of that situation and that I will follow His leading. I get off of my knees and start thanking Him for whatever happens. Now that is so easy to write but oh so hard to do.I so often take a burden to Him and than when the answer does not come quickly I take it away from Him and do my thing. Than it becomes a real mess and so I use my Lord as a 911 call…Lord, You have got to take care of this mess for I am sinking in despair. He is faithful to love me and help me.

Than in verse 7 He says we are to “rest in the Lord” or “be still before the Lord” and one more word…Wait…I understand be still. I have learned spending time with the Lord is not reading a few verses, than saying “God bless me and my family” and “the missionaries far and near” Amen….I read and I journal my feelings on those verses and I do wait to see what he impresses on my heart for that day. BUT the next words gets me so often…”wait patiently”. Patience is sure easy to say but hard to achieve sometimes. The times I do wait I see how it strengthens my heart. Remember God made us and there is no other book written that will speak to any problem you face more than the Bible. When I raised my kids I read so many books on how to do It but my Grandma told me on the phone one day I needed to go in my “prayer closet” and ask the Lord what did my child need. I did that and what I leaned is this….we ask a doctor what we need to do when a child is sick and we listen and do that and this is good. That why do we not go to the Lord and ask Him how we can help our child learn, obey, calm down or whatever the problem is? He made our child and He wants us to ask Him. He knows what is best for the child we are talking to him about. It usually means I had to search my heart and see what needs to be Changed in my life so I can help my child. I think I am trying to say it means we get off our knees and we roll up our sleeves and we start helping answer that need. He gave us the common sense to seek help from others.

Now I will close with this…These 4 things must come in the order he puts them in Psalm 37. Trust the Lord, Delight in the Lord, commit to the Lord, and rest in the Lord.
My late father in law said this:
"All men are restless (shiftless) until they follow these steps and than he can rest in the Lord."

What are you thankful for today?
I am heading to the rehab to see my mom and so this evening will update you all on her progress.

TUESDAY

2009-01-05T17:25:00.001-08:00

Today I awoke to a rainy and dreary day in Virginia. There has been talk about it being ice tonight. I did
get to see some ice cycles forming on the trees. To me that is one of the most beautiful sights of winter. I
know ice causes a multitude of problems for communities but I still love to see it. It was the winter we had Nana
(John’s mother) that I last saw a ice storm. John’s sister was still alive and we really had a lot of fun. The picture
at the top of this entry is our house at that time. I love that picture!

Nature speaks to me in so many ways. It always has. If you study birds you will see the character traits I
Believe our Heavenly Father wants us to have. The way they care for the young and than how they help the
babies come to the feeders to eat but they teach them to be careful. I remember Uncle Joe’s hawk that came and
would sit outside his bedroom every morning and Uncle Joe called him “his hawk”. When Uncle Joe would
come out for the day the hawk would be gone. He left the day Uncle Joe died and I watched for him for the
longest time. One day he came and sat outside the side of our bedroom and came each morning. Than it
seemed like he was my hawk. It reminded me of all the things that gentle mad taught me. The pair of geese
that came and had babies and raised them on our lawn was a great lesson. I could feed the parents but it was
quite a long time before they allowed the babies to come where I threw the corn. The could chase you something
awful when they wanted more distance between you and their young. Isn’t that the way we are to be when danger
is lurking close to our children? My grandma is a case and point to danger and kids. Really I should not even
mention kids and grandma in the same sentence….you see grandma took offence when someone called her children or
us grandchildren “kids”. Her reply is that was not correct because she was not a goat and therefore we were not kids.
She even wrote to “Back to the Bible Radio Program” to correct them and they thanked her. My response was not so
Kind. I thought it was funny. But she was against TV for any reason. It was still the days of antennas on the roof and she
called the whole thing “The devil (TV) sitting in the living room with his tail(the antenna) sitting on the roof.”. Again I
fount that funny and loved her saying it but she saw danger in the TV. I do believe she would have a fit today if she
knew what came through to our children. She had long-range sight I would say but I believe we can govern what comes
on in our homes that our children watch. Her feeling was it would harden their hearts to evil and they would allow sin to
creep in.

Now I have chased enough rabbits…we spent time with mom this afternoon. Her therapy sessions are in the morning and
they encouraged us to allow them to have this time. I know the value in that having just gone through therapy. She needs to
concentrate on what they need her to do. When I am there she wants to chat and not work. When I did talk to her over the
phone she was crying and did not want to be there. I assumed they must have worked on the hip but that was not the case
at all. They had worked on her arms to develop more strength. She wanted to sleep and that upset her. At one point in
the conversation she wanted to go to be with dad. I think part of that is to be expected but mom before this was telling me
this over and over. I cannot imagine how it would feel to not have a husband by your side you had there for 65 years. I
know how I miss him. But I cannot let her go there. I did ask they give her something for anxiety because she is hyper focused
on some things. The doctor has not been there to see her yet and that does not make me happy. Her leg is very large and they
say they need to fit her with an elastic stocking but it was too swelled today to get the measurements. She is not being given a water
pill and she is to take them. I plan on calling early and being there when the doctor comes tomorrow.

By the time we got in today she was settled down some but started to cry and I had to be the parent and tell her she had to
“quit the pity parties for herself”. I told her my home heath care provider would tell me to “Put on my big girl panties and grow
up”. She thought that was funny. From there I did get her to lighten up until she knew she would be there until the 15Th and than we
would see her surgeon and make plans. She only wanted to be there a few days. I called her tonight and she was exhausted
so I suggested we come in tomorrow after lunch and she was fine with that. I am still exhausted and needed this time to deal with issues
in my mind and heart.

I never thought I could handle my mom in our home. But faced with the little she has left and the fact we would be so far apart
I see I will need to do this. So I am asking the Lord to do a work in me that will open my heart to love her even more.
I need to push the past out and embrace now. So this is the first way you can pray today….

1. I put out of my heart her feelings she still has when upset, that she only adopted me for dad and embrace the “now”. She has wasted enough time on bitterness in her
life and I refuse to allow that to creep into my life. The last time I saw grandma she shared this with me: “With bitterness it is not the initial
price, but the upkeep that is so expensive”. Based on Eph. 4:31. Grandma also dealt with bitterness.

2. Mom will work to get better. Her attitude is not the best to me. When others call she puts on a good act.

3. That John will find work soon. We will stay here if he could find work. We would stay in this area if a good job was to be his.

4. That mom will accept she has to come and live with us for the time being. Others are pulling her to stay here
her surgeon says she must be with us because she will need help for a long time and with the brittle bones this could
happen again. If she stayed here I would just worry and the trips from Georgia to here are just too costly.

Until tomorrow…..

Dec. 27 though today

2009-01-05T17:25:00.000-08:00

After my father’s death in August my mother has wanted to move to Virginia. She sold her mobile home in Sarasota.
my husband and I felt she was moving too fast and she would really tell us after she made major decisions. Of
Course I wanted her to be happy and so we finally agreed. That takes up to the beginning of this story….

On December 27Th we left for Sarasota with a U-Haul and transport for her car. We loaded up the following day after
Have a wonderful meal at my Uncle Harold’s. I love being with my cousins and the extended family. They all came back
To moms and helped load the U-Haul. We left Sarasota on Jan. 29Th and arrived back at our home that evening. The following
Day we had my kids all together so mother could enjoy them. That afternoon we attended the wrestling matches of my oldest
Grandson Adam. Mom enjoyed it but began complaining about her hips and because she has a problem we just thought it was
her nerves there giving her trouble. The following morning (the 31St) we left for Harrisonburg, Virginia. It was a smooth drive until
we came to the mountains and John fought high winds the whole way….we arrived just after dark and it was cold and windy.
There was a bit of upset with the apartment owners and mom was really quite upset. We asked her to stay inside but she just
slipped out to go to the truck. I was sitting in the mud room where I had been placed with the dog and I saw her fall down
outside the door. There was a step down but she thinks her hip fractured while standing up and the fall on the edge of the step
caused it to be a compound fracture. It was below freezing and soon became clear she had broken something and John felt
it was her hip. (We had gone through this with his mother before her death.) We called 911 and it took 15 minutes for them to come
and we added blankets to keep her from freezing. It was hard to believe we had only been there less than an hour and were on
our way to the emergency room following the ambulance. They had x-rays and results in less than an hour and we also saw she had
very thin bones. He felt that would keep her from having a hip replacement and so set up surgery for the next morning at 10 AM to
put in pins. It took 3 pins and she came through very good for her age.

Mom has had a hard time accepting this fall. She has never been in the hospital except for the lump taken from her breast
That was cancer. She asks why God did this to her…she wants to go and be with daddy. When someone calls she switches to a
More settled emotion. I am aware some of this is her age, the morphine speaking and some is just how mom is.

Today we moved her to the Virginia Mennonite Retirement Community. It is part of the community mam and dad lived several years ago.
How I wish they had stayed here. But hindsight is always best. Today was tough with the ambulance ride and settling in. She did not want
to do anything they asked but we urged her to and she tried. We went out after supper and she was in better spirits but very tired. We
only stayed a bit. I will be there with her each afternoon and John and I will visit together each evening. The mornings are for the rehab and the
doctors visits. We are required to meet her Jan 15Th at the surgeons so we know her progress and when we can take her home to Georgia.
That means we have to live in this extended stay motel until than. Of course she is worried about the money and so we are cooking
what we can here and being frugal. I wish we could supplement it but we cannot without work and now we will be here that much
longer.

I know the Lord has His reasons for this all and so we accept it and are asking Him to teach us what we need to learn. I am still missing
Dad so much and honestly am having a hard time dealing with this. Dad was my rock but mom and I never bonded and so I am
Searching deep inside of me just why I find her so hard for me to deal with mom. I love her with all of my heart. I have dealt with
The bitterness I saw beginning. I set boundaries in our relationship and it began to become some better. Now I will have to care for her for quite awhile.
I can do that through the Strength the Lord gives me. I want to do this. I know in reality I can do little that will please her but I am going to try.

Here is what you van pray about today….
The pain level will stay low so she will be willing to try.

That her depression and anxiety will be controlled. Her grief process has hardly began in losing her husband of 65 years.

That John and I will be patient and kind in all circumstances.

That John may find a job. We have our computers and so he will be looking. We are willing to move anywhere there is work.
But we have mom and one move is all we can do. She will have to rehab where we are. We are willing to stay in the area here is
This is where the Lord wants us to be.

I am so worn out from the travels and now running around here. My replacement is having a lot of pain. So I must relax some too.

I will update this blog each day. I will share my feelings and maybe this may help some of you that may face this down the road. I am
Finding it is very hard to be the parent to your parent and take charge.

Here is her address. I would love if you all shower her with cards. It will help her a lot.

Rachel Kraybill %
Oak Lea Nursing Home
1475 Virginia Ave.
Room 132
Harrisonburg,
Virginia
22802-2433

Her phone number is:
540-432-7243
John and I both have cell numbers and if you want them contact us.